Mothering and mental illness.

I think this thread is very important: for mums and kids.

Even if a diagnosis or label is the same eg PND it does not mean that everyone will experience it the same way. I have not much been involved in social media. It took me a while to "get connected" and I found Linkup professional conversations very interesting for a year. Then I found this site.

Cos I work with mums and kids but also had a lot of horrible experiences with .. mums in my kids school playgrounds .. I kinda get where you are coming from.

I have also had some very healing relationships with the parents of my students. They are transitory and I practise a letting go .. eg .. as graduate or move to a better suburb and grammar school etc .. yet nevertheless ... "my parents" have validated me and my teaching in ways few ever did .. beyond money issues.

One was the sister of a local psychiatrist ... and she was having issues with this sister ... yeah shrinks have family issues too. They also may be in denial and overly controlling about them.

We have to ask how mature the psychaitrist is .. how many years of parenting if any .. and how many children did they juggle and with how much purchused support ... ie nannies? When they make such presumptuous statements to their patients. We have to put the doctor's statements in the perspective of their total knowledge base.

I know a lot of Chinese families .. and with the one child limit .. some adults told me they are becoming wary that the little chinese emperor has become a common syndrome that the children are spolit .. It is not a parents responsibility to keep a child in eternal bliss. Just teach them how to become responsible enough to sustain sufficient bliss for them to develop an adequate existence. No I am not racist, but some things refer to some ethnicities more than others.

I am struggling to find viable support myself @Sehnsucht .. but I think it can be a good idea ... to trawl the net ... even search for private practitionerrs outside your area that you may never see .. but by getting an idea of current best practise ... we can use the ideas and language to set up better therapuetic relationships with the practitioners .. we do see and can afford to get to.

Oh @Appleblossom, so true, it's no discredit to the talent and medical understanding of psychs, but as you say, maybe being the prominent parent (be it mother or father) is something that needs understanding seperate to all that, before bringing together.

So maybe one of my first questions will be if the psych I'm seeing is a parent :).

I agree, about widening your net. It's great that I managed what I have for these past ten years, and I feel it was exactly what I had to do, but I have such responsibility now. To others as much as myself. So I would hate to have a break and not have sufficient and practical supports in place. Having to be on this medication (oh my goodness it is such bliss to be headache free!!) has been a timely kick up the backside. I've been considering it since falling pregnant (but was turned away from that idea by an obstetrician that fancied herself a psychiatrist.... I did what I felt was right, telling the nurses etc my history so that extra eyes could be on me, and perhaps some assistance offered to hubby if needed. Instead I was asked why I didn't want to go see their psych as soon as possible, asked to give a history, asked why I couldn't give details of dates "what, are you telling me you have blank parts of your memory? *in the most incredulous tone ever, sending me to tears*'. I wanted to slap her and say, did you even at least google schizoaffective quickly while at your computer just now? Do you know what PSYCHOSIS means? ARE YOU A PSYCHIATRIST, OR AN OBSTETRICIAN?' Essentially, she made a stupid statement and somehow threw blame onto me, you should read my case file for that pregnancy. She literally wrote I was 'in denial' about my state, where I could clearly see it. My palm is hits my face each time I recall it).

It is no doubt going to be a bumpy road, just hope I have the energy for it. What are the advocacy groups available within Victoria at the moment? Last I was in the loop, the govt was scrapping the program as it was?

Morning @Sehnsucht

You have raised some really interesting points and asked some great questions.

One of our moderators @2or3thingsIknow is from PANDA and might have some good tips. I'm sure she or someone else from @PANDA will pop in and help out. You could also ring them directly on 1300 726 306

Nik

@2or3thingsIknow, just bumping you in this again.

While not strictly PND or Post natal psychosis related, I think resources relating to the help they receive might be relevant? Most stress/struggles in my life now centres on being a mum and that juggle, and practitioners that are skilled in understanding the realities of mothering would feel a safer source of help for me than just anybody. A huge fear for me is that my struggles get blown way out of proportion. Conversely, without touching base with someone I have a near constant fear that should I lose touch of reality or my emotional responses, there is nothing currently in place.

Also, I'm curious as to how practitioners manage the balance of validating mum's stress while ensuring a child's developmental needs are met? Is it at all considered that offering someone to come by and provide a weekly or daily (or as appropriate) break for mum would be better than asking a mum with resentment to stick with the screaming bundle that is the source of those thoughts and feelings? Flight seems better than fight in moments where you might feel overwhelmed?
On days where I am mindful enough, choosing flight over my initial extreme response of fight, and taking 5, is far better than a 1hr power battle with me screaming and in all honesty, being scary and horrible.

There is no urgency, I am sitting on my referrals, and coping at this present time. I just want to immerse myself in some extra understanding and hopefully daily routine adjustments/skill developments, that could assist me in becoming more the mother I aim to be than the one I default to at times. So I am bumping a day later, but I understand you may well be busy and have yet to read the post or visit the boards. I will check back over the next few weeks.

Does anyone else have any experience or advice?
Thanks!

@Former-Member,

I wish you so well in adjusting to changes in parenting, especially in acknowledging downfalls. Here's to learning from our mistakes, and shaping our present and future with better relationships :).

We don't realise that expectation to deny so much is there until kids, and it becomes a frustrating and overwhelming approach to parenting. And even then it would be so easy to not be able to identify that that is where the problem is, unless you read the right materials.

Emotional coaching and meeting children's emotional needs is not as innate as many want to believe! I've read that fight and flight responses when met with a situation that overwhelms us in parenting, often physically leave us feeling our own children are an enemy. It's a physical reaction that is difficult to rise above! I'm currently trying to stop in my tracks and repeat a mantra "this is no real threat. this is no real threat. there are no tigers here" when I lose sight. Yay for neural plasticity, I feel less angry at hurdles in just a few months of this 🙂

My job of the last decade has involved working with kids, so I have learnt a lot about development (expectations) and dicipline along the way. However I have had to rewrite my definition of dicipline, and learn a lot about emotional coaching than I thought I needed to. My partner and I have read some ace parenting books that filled the hole we were missing when I was at one stage left out of depth with my child's defiance.

My instincts have been great at telling me when my approach isn't best, but knowing what the alternative might be, I have ended up having less intuition for that then I presumed I did! I know what I don't want to do (time outs, yelling, punishments that aren't natural consequences), but knowing just how to approach things peacefully and productively has been aided by lots, lots, lots of reading. I am grateful for google!

There's a great saying:

I was the perfect parent,
Then I had my own child,
The end.

🙂

I agree

Fight or Flight moments in parenting are often turning points... and how we manage them ... and how many of those moments we may have... and ... how socially recognised those moments are.

Eg I know many people who were in WWII .. where it was clearer for them who were the friends and who were the enemies.

Sometimes when there is no social awareness of the level that a family can become a battlefield .. there is not enough appreciation of the struggles involved.

@Former-Member

I did the opposite to you ... I locked the kid in the house and took myself off for walks. I knew he would be safe there and so did he. But I couldnt do that when there were 3 kids cos I couldnt trust them to behave with each other .. sad but true. I ended up setting it up so that there were 3 different households for the darlings to work through their issues. (Not many have that option.) It wasnt really their fault as the father was over indulgent and allowed things to get out of hand discipline wise .. very early on .. then I had a lot of grief to deal with ..

@Sehnsucht I had an obstetrician who had a good rep but really didnt help me .. just cost a lot of money... and made nasty comments, that took me aback and were quite a shock. Went for the Royal Womens birth centre the next time and they were great .. but I was never well again physically let alone emotionally .. though life is getting a lot better for me lately .. it has been a long while.

My earlier post was also due to two memories I had of dealing with my mother. So not just from my own point of view.

1) We had a family meeting at a psych hospital regarding my sister. My mother was so outraged at how the doctor treated her ... that it caused me a lot of extra struggle .. calming my mother down .. getting her to attend another counselling session was hell ... and trying to understand what the young doctor was getting at etc etc. My sister died within a couple of years .. that young doctor may have enjoyed or not confronting my mother (who was overburdened anyway). It achieved squat. Family therapy really needs to be employed a lot more. I think that the system is improving ... but still has a long way to go.

2) The other incident was about 15 years later ... when mother was teaching a psychiatrist to play the piano and then her mother started ... and then mum went overseas ... I took over the studio and taught them for a few months. That pdoc was nice ... didnt know anything about our family history and we got to see the rivalry in her family between mother and adult daughter. It was a friendly rivalry as that family had a lot of resources and so little aggressions could be ameliorated "nicely". That pdoc also never had children of her own ... so though she had a lovely broadminded accepting attitude .. she actually had no experience mothering only doctoring ...

I do think that economic and power injustices do play a role in the way MI can play out.

hi @Sehnsucht

Apologies for the late reply, I somehow missed the tag!

How have you been travelling since you last posted? As @NikNik mentioned, I work with PANDA and the tension between the stereotype of the mother role and stigma around MI is part of our daily support work and discussion. The analogy you use about 'fitting your own oxygen mask first, then tending to your child' is one we use often when talking to mums (and dads) who are struggling to implement self-care while caring for a young child. It is such a powerful visual reminder of the imporance of looking after our own mental (as well as physical and emotional) wellbeing in order to be able to nuture and support our children to the best of our abilities.

I share the disappointment you express in relation to your friend's psychologist responding negatively when she mentioned need to put baby down and regroup for a moment. From what you have said, this sounds like a perfect example of a mum noticing when she is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and choosing to safely put her baby down and take a moment to herself. This is the same kind of emotional regulation we work so hard to teach our young (and not so young) children and it sounds as though this is exactly what your friend was doing.

Well done on organising referrals from your GP to support your own psychological wellbeing. It sounds as though you have had some unsatisfactory experiences with health professionals in the past, so it's great that you have come to the forum seeking some advice and support around finding the 'right' psychologist/psychiatirst. From what you say in your post, it sounds as though finding someone with a special interest/knowledge in perinatal mental health might be a good place to start. As well as offering telephone counselling support, PANDA also offer an excellent referral service and would be able to give you contact details for practioners in your area who speciaiise in perinatal mental health.

Please stay in touch and let us all know how you are going.

Warm wishes,

2or3thingsiknow