Chaos theory and loosing touch with relativity

I have Adult ADHD I never new there was such a thing till last year Im 46 and have struggled all my life to fit in and due what is expected. I am often unemployed and struggle in the work place with peers. I have a very large novel like book of fines I owe state revenue. Seems like everything I do I break. I have spent most of my life lock inside my own prison, I isolate to not disapoint. But disapointment come knocking when im months behind in rent again, and fine myself not been able to rent again due to been black listed.

Trying to peice simple things that invole filling out forms can feel like trrying to solve a rubics cube blindfolded for me at times, and i create huge walls to climb over, and avoid doing simple task as there is no order or prioritys in my mind.

The worst thing about my disorder is I appear normal on the outside I wish I had a speach impediment or a wheelchair or something so people knew how broken I am. I can appear very inteligent understand how quantum reality works, but cant manage the red letter that arrive in mhy mail box and daily expectation of society.

Most recently I shifted back near my family, and it was good for a few years, I feared coming back as I knew I would break it and I did.

It started out ok, I met a women, but the relationship soon became full of conflict,disorder was not helping not having impulse control I can fly off the handle in all sorts of directions. After decades of been wrong and to blame for everething because Its usually me,I had deveopled an alter ego to protect myself from been hurt . I lived in denighal and use deflection for been the cause of the problems that arrise mostly near my facinity of my interpersonal affairs. We ended having a child, i was over joyed I always wanted to have children but my relationships never lasted and where few and far between. But the relationship broke down, and she left after I had a flair up and I havent seen my bay since been nearly a year. Her son Who I had alot to do with for a couple of years, drowned in the river recently. My family dloesnt speak to me any more due to my inappropiate behaviours and I have recently been unemployed lost my licence and owe over $4000 rent, and am driving some elses car that I have been trying to pay off, I live in a slighly remote with no transport.

I feel there is just going to be more of the same, and am getting a bit long in the tooth for a turn around, I am on medication which helps, but I cant see a way out of this I will have to shift out of this house getting on benifits, find another place to live and it all seems to difficult. I just cant do the failure thing no more, Sorry this is such a pitty story just where im at .

Peace Kram