Trigger warning - child sexual abuse, shame

Hello All,

first of all I want to say that if you're also a victim/survivor I am sorry you had to go through this. I feel very alone as there are no support groups, where I can understand my feelings of shame, sensations are 'normal', that I'm not disgusting... I have a great therapist and psychiatrist and I do research on the internet, but some questions, even if they have been answered and I understand them intellectually, I do not understand the answers in my heart/body and I hope that by reaching out and knowing I am not alone, I will start to break the cycle of shame.

I was sexually abused for a few years before puberty, by several abusers, including a family member. I've never reported the crimes or disclosed to my family.

I am making progress in therapy, but it is a very rough road and self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts are a big issue, so often the focus has to be on keeping me safe, continuing to learn and implement new ways to cope. I often get stuck in therapy, sometimes for years. Currently I am stuck on the following and I would really like to know: Did you ever get stuck on this? How did you try or managed to accept it and move forward?

1) Some of my abusers were underage themselves when it happened. There is a lot about the power difference between an abuser and the abused. I intellectually understand that sexual abuse is a crime even if committed by a minor. Stuck in my head are sentences 'they were just kids themselves', 'doctors play' (certainly not!)... and I don't know how to move past that.

2) I loved one of my abusers. I know that children cannot give consent and that child abuse is a crime, but I struggle with the fact that I loved my abuser, and probably still do, and that I did not report the crime, nor am emotionally unable to disclose the abuse and name especially this abuser even to this day. I am also confused what to do about 'the happy memories' that coexisted with the abuse.

3) Shame of physical sensations. Shame in general is a huge issue. This one in particular is one that I find little information about on the internet, but I have discussed in detail with my therapist. I think this is the biggest issue I have at the moment (and for years), to accept that I had physical sensations and that they continue in my adult life. My body reacted and reacts, but it does not mean it gives me pleasure or that I consented. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself when I think about this or when it happens, and it is very hard to write about it.

I have learnt that shame loses its power when a story is shared and I don't know where else to share it. I know shame from the abuse is the most powerful emotion driving my unhelpful coping strategies and keeping me stuck in a victim state.

I am overwhelmed now and will try to do a self-care activity and rest. It is a very hard topic for all of us. Please understand that I might not be checking the forums daily so I can keep myself safe. That does not mean, that I don't read or appreciate your answers. Thank you all and please look after yourselves.