I've completely destroyed my life

Hey there @epoh343 first up thank you for posting and sharing your story within the forums. This is a very welcoming and non-judgemental community and you will most definitely find you are not alone with this challenge, so thank you - we do hear you

Well done on seeking counselling, and well done for enabling some savings so that you do have some leeway regarding time to get on top of this issue. You're also incredibly self-aware, it takes a lot of insight to possess such self-awareness - even if we don't have all the answers yet. Is it possible that the job hops continue to happen due to a conflict between what you think you should be doing and what you truly want to do? Sometimes we come up against this "imposter syndrome" feeling when we don't actually know what we truly want to do. I could be off, but worth noting it as something to consider. In terms of counselling, what do you think is missing from the process? I have heard of a few people with mental health challenges finding a lot of helpful strategies alongside job/career coaches. Would you be up for something like this?

Speak soon, and again welcome 🙂 Also as you are new I would recommend checking out our Community Guidelines here.

Thanks for your response @Former-Member. The main problem I have is that I lack any real talents or interests. I've been asked many times what I'm interested in and cannot go beyond superficial things like movies, music or video games or sport. Every time I try something new I always lose interest. I'm doubtful a career coach can help me

I spent too much time studying a degree that I never ended up using and only have been seriously working full time for the past 4 years. I held down one serious job for 2.5 years and then another role for 6 months. Every other role I've had since has been for a few weeks because of overwhelming anxiety causing me to quit.

While I'm fully aware that making these terrible decisions only results in my personal circumstances becoming increasingly more difficult, I cannot stop this terrible pattern. I feel like I have burned all my bridges and am staring down the barrel of a life of misery and despair because of my bad choices.

I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to end my life because I just don't see a future for myself. I'm so deeply ashamed of who I've become. I now spend my days researching on the most painless ways to end my life. Family and and friends had such high hopes for me and I've let everyone down by amounting to nothing. Again, I know reading about suicide isn't a wise thing to do given my circumstances yet I cannot help but do so given my how I feel about myself.

Dear @epoh343,

It's really brave of you to come to the forums to talk about this. It sounds like your high anxiety has been such a struggle for you in finding new jobs. I can hear you are feeling so certain that things will not be okay to the point where you are researching ways to end your life. That's really hard. I'm sending you an email to check in about your safety so please keep an eye on your inbox.

I hope you get lots of support in the forums but I would also really encourage you to think about getting professional mental health support in place. It sounds like you don't have a lot of confidence in therapy because you reverted back to old patterns last time, but it takes time and hard work for people to change patterns they have had for a while.

Take care,

Tortoiseshell

Hi @epoh343 ,

welcome to the forum 👋🏻😊

I can relate to much of what you have written. Everyone in my world is successful except for me. It’s not like I wasn’t given great opportunities. I’ve always been told that I don’t reach my potential. Apparently most people see potential in me but me. I have been where you are and what you are contemplating too. I haven’t managed to work for a very long time (more than two decades). I am hugely worried about things like people seeing my potential and then not living up to it.

Just recently I have begun to see things a little differently. I have a psychiatrist who I see fortnightly and we are working through addressing this stuff. It’s the first time someone is unpacking why this is the case in a way that I feel is helpful. For me part of the reason is possibly ADHD (without the H 😳). I fit more the daydreamy ADHD kind. I am just in the process of working through this now. Regardless of what diagnosis the anxiety I feel to perform is self defeating. It is something I’m going to work on as well.

I know you may may not be the same as me but finding someone who listens and gets you is really helpful. I stopped the looking online thing a while ago. It doesn’t help at all and can be really harmful (from someone who tried). I hope you can maybe use your online searches to find someone who can help you work through this. The helpline at SANE is amazing place to start. They can suggest the kind of places to get some real support and help you move past this stage. I have mostly moved past it but it sometimes still gets me feeling really low and worthless. Having the support I have is giving me hope that I can find a fulfilling life.

I wish you all the best.