The last time

This will be the last time I try to post here again. If it gets removed, it gets removed, and I refuse to come back. It has been a couple months since I last posted here, and this post will largely discuss why I left, as well as my ongoing battle with "mental health services" and services overall when it comes to my mental illness. As well as my ongoing struggle to keep existing full stop.

In this field, the mental health field, ironically where we are demanded to talk and be open, censorship is a huge problem. This censorship is one of the reasons I left and a large reason why I don't engage with mental health professionals. Not that I have any options left treatment wise.

The other is being undermined and patronised or demonised because of the complex trauma I have been through. People undermine what I have to say and the efforts I make to fix problems myself. This, to me, seemed quite prevalent during my time here when I was discussing my NDIS problems. I received a whole lot of "if you just do that" in "this way" then the problem will resolve. In my case, I had already done those things and it did absolutely nothing.

Certain mental health topics come with being treated like a criminal or being patronised. I'm sure you all know which ones I am referring to. Censorship also applies here, can't talk about them openly without negative consequences that will bring more trauma to my life. People are unwilling to accept that there other ways to deal with these topics and that the way they are addressed should be individual and specific to the person. I'm tired of this censorship and being forced to fit into this ridiculous box, and I am tired of having to keep my mouth shut so I don't risk more trauma being brought into my life. No one should have to take that risk and it is unfair that professionals and providers expect us to do this, especially when they know that trauma is a risk factor itself and causes mental health to get worse, not "better".

I am tired of having my life treated as if it is a game and a joke. I am tired of bending to other people's will and having to reap the repercussions of their actions and ignorance myself. I am tired of being told to talk, only to be told to shut up and that I'm not allowed to talk about that. Or no, you can't talk about it like that, its too negative and too depressing. I am tired of having professionals and providers, especially ones who moderate mental health forums, try to dress up what I have experienced, my truth, just so it looks nicer and more attractive.

I am tired of being ignored because I don't fit into the expected presentation. I am tired of being blamed when I get worse because they refuse to treat me because I don't. I am tired of being expected to reach out to services that have failed me and ruined my life.

I am tired of being told to stay alive. For me, that means I have to force myself to exist in a society and a world that hates me and treats me like less, where frankly, a lot of it couldn't care less if I die tomorrow. A world where I am deprived of human rights and the only solution to that lies in the hands of the people who deprive me in the first place. Often times it means I have to risk my safety and wellbeing because of how trans people are viewed and treated.

And what do you know, I'm not allowed to say anything specific about that. Even in places where you would think talking about such things is essential, I have to be very careful so it isn't misconstrued and blown out of proportion, or just plain missed altogether. Most of the time the response is just something generic that I have heard too many times before, that makes no difference whatsoever. There have been other times where people didn't even believe me because I didn't present the way they wanted. They couldn't have cared less about why, that such things were normalised in my life so I speak about them as if they are normal. I know they're not but I don't choose to be desensitised towards them. That's just part of what happened. I am tired of being blamed and shamed for it.

Is there any acknowledgement towards how negatively that impacts me? Any respect for me? No, there is none whatsoever. For me, continuing to stay alive means tolerating a forced existence of inauthenticity. I don't get to be who I am. I don't get to have human rights or a say over my own health and my own body. Most trans people don't. I wake up every day, I only get to see part of me whilst the rest is still trapped. I could fix it, but I can't because I'm not allowed to. That much isn't up to me, even though, like I said, it is my health, my body, my life.

I am tired of having to put up with that. I don't see how anyone who has to, yet alone deal with all the other problems brought on by society and the law I have to put up with, and sit around waiting helplessly for them to go away, would want to live. But I'm not allowed to say that and I'm not allowed to talk about my personal struggle with that. If I do, I will get carted off in an ambulance or police car and be forced to talk to people who have themselves told me they don't care and to f off because I am nothing but a burden and waste of resources.

But I can't say that either. That is construed as discouraging help seeking. As are many other things I would say. So just so its clear, if doing that actually does help you, do it. I have no right to discourage people from seeking help. That however should not mean I can't be honest and open about what I need, and what does not help me. It is probably hard to accept, but for me reaching out to crisis teams does not help because that symptom does not reside from a mental health condition, and being carted off to an environment where discrimination is almost inevitable, where several traumas occurred and where I would be forced to stop taking my hormone treatment is not beneficial to me in any way whatsoever.

So I don't talk about much of anything that I struggle with anymore. I am on my own, and frankly, I would rather be that than twisted in that mess. People always tell me I am "so strong and resilient" for forcing myself to do this to myself.

Mate, sorry, but that is not strength or resilience. It is the effect of being conditioned. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about as far as that goes, unfortunately. I despise it because it is unfair and unjust and it reminds me of my childhood that I cannot talk about.

So, may I ask a question? I know I am far from the only person who gets hit hard by censorship requirements and being forced to exist in silence and inauthenticity. How do you cope with this problem?