So-aloneCasual Contributor
What is wrong with me?
Hi there...
I apologise in advance if I offend or upset anyone with this as I have not been diagnosed with BPD or any mental illness at all and I am certainly not a fan of self diagnosing via a Google search, however... I came across this site while doing a search and so much of this seems so relatable.
A long story, but as a child I was raised in foster care by one amazing family in NZ, and although I had contact with my mother and often was placed back into her care, she never really had the ability to be a mother. I watched her go through an abusive relationship with my step father.. I told her about the sexual abuse that was happening when I was home only to be told that that is what dads do to show love so it was a very confusing life for me.
As I have grown up I have had three long term relationships and a few other short term ones and every single time I push my partner away... Whether it is from excessive drinking, extreme paranoia of an affair happening, or just out right anger over simple things... I often feel like I am unloveable and unattractive so I end up pushing my partner away.. Sometimes I feel on top of the world and like I'm a good person and that my partner does not love me like I deserve so I get angry... Then there are times when I feel so low that I drink to numb everything and I become verbally abusive... I can see these things happening and on the inside I am yelling at myself to stop and try to gain control but there is some demon inside me that does this to everyone I care about and love... Then when I have pushed them so far that I can see I'm hurting them... I leave them.. I'm always the first to leave because I never want to be the one that people walk away from. I have always dated partners who are quite over weight and are a bit older than me in the hopes that they may see me as good enough for their standards and that I would be attractive enough that they won't need to cheat on me...
Why do I do this to myself and everyone else? I have very few friends out of fear that I would do the same to them.
Oddly enough, I've never actually "felt" suicidal as such but for as long as I can remember I've always had ideas randomly pop into my head of how I can do it, or even fantasies you could say of when and where I could do it... These thoughts and ideas have never scared me.l and I've never felt compelled to follow through with anything... But I've always felt a comfort in knowing that if things get really bad, I can end it easily enough... When my brain is going on a rampage and the girl inside me has lost control again, these thoughts help calm me down!
I want to be able to have a healthy, trusting relationship.. I'm turning 32 this year, no children and never been married.. I've been engaged twice...
I want to be able to have complete control over my emotional state, my thoughts and who I am... What is wrong with me?
I apologise in advance if I offend or upset anyone with this as I have not been diagnosed with BPD or any mental illness at all and I am certainly not a fan of self diagnosing via a Google search, however... I came across this site while doing a search and so much of this seems so relatable.
A long story, but as a child I was raised in foster care by one amazing family in NZ, and although I had contact with my mother and often was placed back into her care, she never really had the ability to be a mother. I watched her go through an abusive relationship with my step father.. I told her about the sexual abuse that was happening when I was home only to be told that that is what dads do to show love so it was a very confusing life for me.
As I have grown up I have had three long term relationships and a few other short term ones and every single time I push my partner away... Whether it is from excessive drinking, extreme paranoia of an affair happening, or just out right anger over simple things... I often feel like I am unloveable and unattractive so I end up pushing my partner away.. Sometimes I feel on top of the world and like I'm a good person and that my partner does not love me like I deserve so I get angry... Then there are times when I feel so low that I drink to numb everything and I become verbally abusive... I can see these things happening and on the inside I am yelling at myself to stop and try to gain control but there is some demon inside me that does this to everyone I care about and love... Then when I have pushed them so far that I can see I'm hurting them... I leave them.. I'm always the first to leave because I never want to be the one that people walk away from. I have always dated partners who are quite over weight and are a bit older than me in the hopes that they may see me as good enough for their standards and that I would be attractive enough that they won't need to cheat on me...
Why do I do this to myself and everyone else? I have very few friends out of fear that I would do the same to them.
Oddly enough, I've never actually "felt" suicidal as such but for as long as I can remember I've always had ideas randomly pop into my head of how I can do it, or even fantasies you could say of when and where I could do it... These thoughts and ideas have never scared me.l and I've never felt compelled to follow through with anything... But I've always felt a comfort in knowing that if things get really bad, I can end it easily enough... When my brain is going on a rampage and the girl inside me has lost control again, these thoughts help calm me down!
I want to be able to have a healthy, trusting relationship.. I'm turning 32 this year, no children and never been married.. I've been engaged twice...
I want to be able to have complete control over my emotional state, my thoughts and who I am... What is wrong with me?
