Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hi @BlueBay

I know that childhood abuse causes people to feel bad about themselves in a way that must be hard to get over - I think it's quite possible that people who haven't had that experience would find it hard to imagine but having people open up her as they have is beginning to make a more realistic picture - I hear you

And the way some of our mothers have treated us too is reprehensible - I can see my own mother's reason for being a vindictive and sometime violent person but to me it's not excuse - and my mother abused my brother and me physically, emotionally, psychologically and verbally. I sometimes wonder if she enjoyed it but mostly I think the world was out of control and she wasn't able to cope with the war and two chidren and my father being in an essential industry during the war and worked extremely long hours and was rarely home.

So he didn't know about the abuse - in fact - I don't think people believe little children who tell. Not back then anyway

So my mother treated us in a similar way and then as you know my son and I were rejected during the darkest years of our lives - although I have come to terms with most of that I still wonder how anyone could treat their children and grandchildren like that

I fought my mother and had a lot of spirit - this made things harder for me than if I had accepted it as normal I think. When she hit me I hit and kicked back - and yelled at the injustices I felt - and still wonder - I was an academic child - an achiever - good at sport - a musician and chorister. Wasn't this enough - but if I got a 9 out of 10 I hadn't done well enough, if I got a 10 out of 10 why didn't I get it all the time. And I fought her verbally at every chance but as I grew older this didn't fall within my own idea of acceptable behaviour and things just go worse

So when it comes to your mother, control and rejection - I have had something of the same. Still I still see myself as okay now -

So I ask myself what's the difference? I have been told that I am a strong person but I have asked if that's true or if I got strong because I fought back.

There's no winners under such circumstances - I see that now - but in the long run I have forgiven my mother - she had a hard life but as I said - reasons not excuses. She suffered more than me in the long run.

From these circumstances I understand more because I have had my own mother-stuff - but hate her - no - nor hate myself. I'm the better person

Dec

thank you @Ali11 , @Razzle , @Appleblossom , @Owlunar for your support

yes when mum and i left when I was 11

from the age of 11 to 16 we moved around living with 3 different sets of aunties and uncles ( family ), my uncles were wonderful but it still does not answer the questions about my father

aged 16 we moved to look after grandma until she passed away

and then my aunty and her 4 children turned up and lived with us for 4 years allin a little house

at 17 I tried to reconnect with my father which resulted in him physical hurting me

Hi @Shaz51

You had it rough moving around like that and being in the same town as your father and having him hide from you as he did

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier - with the crisis in my family I have missed somethings - just hoping it will get patched up as I go - I have time right now though - and want to get my mind onto anything but the crisis because there is nothing I can do about it right now anyway

There are many kinds of assault - sexual assault is just one of them - my father never raised a hand to me but my mother more than made up for it - so I hear what your are saying about your father - and then having him hurt you when you tried to reconnect with him - I think - beginning to understand - why people people blame themselves for their parents' bad behaviour but the child is not at fault - the so-called grown-ups are those at fault - how children react is easy to explain - they are children

No wonder your Mum is so independent and such a battler and now - so tired - both of you have had a rough life

Support - yes - that is good to have - good to give - actually I started this to find out what people feel and why they choose their path - and also asking if they can change how they feel

Dec

@Shaz51 there is an odd difference in our experiences. Glad your uncles were good. Did you have any idea of your father's story? Why he was so violent? Was it just alcohol? I had to tack my dad's story together through research and memories.

When I reflect I see the love my father managed to give me, despite his diagnosis of Sz and death when I was 11. If I focus on the degree of neglect I turn myself wild, so I focus on the positive. I am more disappointed in my uncles. They were all on the side of mother's family. I loved them and interacted pleasantly and was friendly with them. I was never rude, as a child, teen or adult, but my husband at the time, said that they treated me like a poor relative and did not have respect, and sadly it was true. SO now with a few more years under my belt and few more models of how other families do pull together, I am less impressed. Most of them were successful, but did not seem to have much sense of conscience about supporting a widow and kids. My mother was apparently very difficult. I slept over less than 10 nights in a total for 60 years spread over 8 uncles. Not a big burden. There were a few charity items, and I was very grateful, but they gave very little in the broader scheme of things. They laughed in my face, when I was a young mum with little children around me. It has taken a long time for me to finally face up to it. They all probably have different reasons ... only one acknowledges relationship on facebook....

Sorry if I go on about it.

@SkyView7 Thankyou for sharing your story. I’m interested to know how you felt when you moved to WA, did you feel like you were able to leave your problems behind you? There have been so many times I have wanted to just leave and start a new life somewhere else - where no one knows

me, but then a big part of me feels like wherever I go my troubles go with me.

Do you have much contact now with the rest of your family? I had been lucky that I have always been close to my family most of my life, it has only been in the last couple of years that I’ve had a falling out with a sister in law which makes it difficult to have a relationship with my brother.

Im sorry to hear the relationship with your mother was a tough one.

@SkyView7 It sounds like you have lead a very interesting life, living in 30 different places. I am married and have children (now adult children) so packing up and taking off wouldn’t be as simple as I’d like it to be. My mother lives close, I am also her carer. She has dementia and is currently battling a few health issues and relies on me a lot at the moment, which makes me feel stuck where I am. I also lost a child in a car accident 13 years ago (he was 9 at the time) and I don’t want to be far from where I feel closest to him - which is the farm I’m on and the town where he is buried. The longer I’m here the less confident I am of taking off.

Im so glad you still have a relationship with your siblings, it’s nice to have a support network around you, even if it’s from afar. Apart from the one brother previously mentioned, I also have 2

more brothers, but I don’t feel like I can talk to them about my struggles. They didn’t know what was happening to me at the time of the incidents, and I have never confided in them since, and probably never will.

@SkyView7

I am thank you for your story too. It resonated in a few different ways.

I am sorry your mother's desire to dominate was higher than her desire to care. I had a mother like that. The lay understanding and use of the word genes is often so inaccurate, but I think you called it as it is, because of the manner she personalised it.

I could also relate a bit about my ex hubby. He came from a happy beautiful family, but was diagnosed with schizophrenia. To me it did not make sense, as I still believe most mental illness occurs due to triggering trauma. He went as far as possible away from his family and for a while we were united in our understanding due to our shared interest in mental illness and specifically, schizophrenia.

In his family it was the level of competitiveness that outweighed understanding, and childhood physical illneess that accumulated and somehow lead to the Sz diagnosis.

I did biol early on and was always interested in genetics, though pretty vague.aboiut cuurent state of the science. However the knowledge about Sz being genetic is much more nuanced these days.

I hope the forum provides you with some sense of connectedness.