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Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Flashback of Abuse

So I just went to look at a rental property & it was in an area where I spent a lot of time living in different rentals when my now adult son was growing up - before my daughter was even thought of.

I had so much anxiety & panic driving through that area that I didn't even make it to the house.

so much abuse was put upon me by so many people during the years living in that area - physical, mental, emotional& sexual - in every way I was abused by every single person I had ever trusted , relied on or loved from my own mother& step father to my sons father& his entire family ,to "friends" & boyfriends- I just had flashbacks of every form of abuse that has occurred to me through the years driving through those streets.

I definantly cannot live in that area - problem is that is the cheapest area w the most rentals closest to where I live& my agoraphobia won't allow me to go further away- I am actually shocked I managed to get there from here all by myself - but knew I had to so freaking forced myself having a meltdown the entire way - also because the traffic was peak hour & very busy roads & that was so anxiety provoking for me.

I feel literally trapped in this house- so I geuss my only option is to wait for a house to be offered to me- as I cannot afford to rent anything around this area- I can't even afford the house I am in-

but who knows how long that will take? As I keep being told there is no way of knowing when a house will become available - you just have to wait & see.

i am on the verge of selling my dog @& throwing out all of our possessions so I can move into a one bedroom flat bcos that is all I can afford-

but I don't even know how I would go about doing that- I have no life skills & feel I am unravelling more & more each day- I don't understand what is happening to me- but I feel like I can't cope or function in the outside world & I am permanently trapped in this house-

i just don't know what to do anymore- I feel I am deteriorating & loosing the very few sets of skills that I did have to function & cope at a very fast rate.

is this a breakdown I am having?

A psychosis? - IV never had it before so I don't know- all I know is I don't feel good & I can't see a way out. I am completely alone with no one to help or rely on & that is really scary -

i just want a safe place for my daughter & I to live longterm that I can afford- why is that so difficult for me to come by? 😭

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In response to: Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

I should add that whilst I was looking for the house & having the anxiety etc.. My daughter was at a play date with her new school friend- I was alone

In response to: Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

I honestly did not expect to have such a severe reaction to driving through an area where I spent a lot of time in & was very much abused!- but I suppose it makes sense if i think about it now in hindsight- I have heard about ppl blocking out abuse- but I never really thought about it - until I was smacked in the face today- I also happened to drive past the Vets clinic, which is ALSO in that same area-that had to put my dog down - my dog was put down shortly after my mothers death & my daughters fathers death- my dog was like a part of me- our energies were so intertwined that when he died- it felt like I was literally loosing a limb- he was my best friend for 11years & was always there for me everytime I was sad or depressed. So I believe driving past this Vets had a MASSIVE impact on how I was feeling when I wrote this post😭🐶 I don't think I will drive through that area again now I know how it has impacted me- I have been meditating this afternoon whilst my daughter was still playing at her friends & feel a lot better now -housing situation hasn't changed though- but at least meditation helps💖

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

BryanaCampSenior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

hi @Serenity1 I'm glad you felt so much better after meditating, that's a great skill to have. Your dog sounds lovely, I have a cat who is my little buddy. It's good you were able to protect your daughter as you went about quite a traumatic morning. It sounds very wise to avoid those triggery areas as best you can.

From what I've heard it is hard to get public housing and the waiting lists are very long. Do you have a support worker or a housing worker who is helping you with your housing application or your rental search? There should be someone who can help you in a housing services organisation. Maybe you could ask the Mods here for a few referals or link to your local services? In any case, looking at rentals is very hard work at the best of times so you're doing really well to do that. It is great you have a yard for your doggy and daughter so hopefully you will be able to maintain that, you may just need a bit of help.

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

Hi @BryanaCamp yes I am glad I did not have my daughter with me at the time- I had no idea I would have such a strong reaction- but like I said it probably makes complete sense- I just didn't think about it beforehand.
If I did have my daughter I would have just turned around & gone home if I started feeling like that-
But because I didn't have her j pushed through those initial feelings- driving around the whole suburb -( I am not v. Good with directions lol)-in the search for this one rental house inspection I was looking for-& seeing a lot of places of very bad memories in the process - it was not a nice feeling at all.
I don't think I was having a breakdown or anything like that - I think I was just very triggered & re-traumatised. Suddenly remembering so much abuse at once was a bit much for me & then having to deal with back to back peak hour traffic on the way back was horrible- I am not used to driving in traffic like that & avoid it at all costs.
Yes I will defo avoid that area- that's for sure!i think I had been avoiding that area subconsciously anyway- it's just that a house came up that I thought might suit us & a significant amount of time had passed-
Meditation is a big help for me when I am feeling such heightened anxiety - infact I am going to meditate right now & am planning to do it everyday- lol that's the plan anyway!
Yes my dog was amazing! It's nice you have a cat buddy- aren't animals the best!- (better than some humans)
I have been given the number for a support worker- but put off ringing them because the list of items they help with- I don't really need help with- I need help with someone attending viewings with me due to agoraphobia -& they said they don't do that- so I did not think there was much point- but I might ring them anyway & see what they say- I don't think they will b able to help me is the impression I got-& why I was feeling/am feeling so trapped!
Thanks so much for your reply & support!- I really appreciate it💖

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

Ali11Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

We can see how going back to that area triggered you @Serenity1 and it looks like you handled it well by going home and doing some meditation. Are you able to get housing assistance? It may be worthwhile investigating all options for assistance.

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

BryanaCampSenior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

hi @Serenity1 I admire your ability to meditate. I have a strong trauma background like you but am not able to meditate unfortunately, I get agitated so rely pretty much on medication. I hope you're feeling better today after your diificult day & your daughter & dog are well.

Yes, I think it would be good to call the housing service, at least see if there is a wait time to meet a housing worker? I think it would be valuable to meet with a housing worker just to get some support with the huge task of finding housing, they might have some fresh ideas or strategies or provide a bit of emotional support & be a nice person. They could probably help you fill out a housing application to help make it accentuate you needs & urgency as they know how the system works.

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

@BryanaCamp hi - I only can manage guided meditations at the moment- but have found a really good guy online & when I have finished with his meditations it is like my whole frequency has shifted- he's amazing & he's spiritual too which I relate too- it doesn't last though that's why I plan to do it every day- but you have to be so strict because if you miss one day- you just fall out of routine & when I have my daughter it is hard to do it lol. I get agitated also & can't breathe/ hyperventilate- but if I stick with it it 💯 makes me feel so much better-
I did this guy's meditation for two days in a row & the third day I woke up HAPPY 😳🤔!!! For no reason at all- I couldn't believe it & kept trying to figure out why I was happy- nothing had changed except I did those meditation for at least an hour each day-so I'm sure that is it- of course now it's the weekend & I can't because I have my daughter- so I'll fall out of pattern again 😁:face_with_rolling_eyes:
I will try & ring the housing support worker next week- you are absolutely right in your advice- I feel I am not really able to think straight at the moment & that is another Reason why I am putting it off- my anxiety gets the better of me & I ALWAYS feel I say & do the wrong thing & piss ppl off - I know that is from being abused longterm-then I get overwhelmed & can't make the calls-& there is others I need to also- but I will this week- Thankyou for your support! 💖

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

Serenity1Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

@Ali11 Thankyou- yes I will try & get housing assistance- I need someone to come with me to viewings & they don't do that- which is why I have put off contacting them- also because my anxiety has been so heightened & it's hard for me to engage with ppl when I feel like that bcos I can't think straight- but I will try & call them this week- thanks so much! 💖

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

Ali11Senior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

Sounds like you're on the right path @Serenity1, one day at a time with the anxiety and hopefully the call re housing goes well How are you doing tonight? Who is the guided meditation guy you've been listening to? That could make for an interesting and helpful thread for people on here, if you maybe posted some of the links you've found were good for someone new to meditation

In response to: Re: Flashback of Abuse

BryanaCampSenior Contributor

Re: Flashback of Abuse

well done @Serenity1 that's a fantastic result to get from guided mediation! I hope you have a nice weekend with your daughter

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