The Fast Turnaround, Dizzy one day, Deathly the next

@MoonGal Hope you are having a better day today 🙂 I know what the roller coaster feels like. Remember to use that tool kit!

@eth - bounced into mixed state - currently hypomanic and have the dry awfuls. Brain racing at 10,000 miles and hour, gut churning, but do have a sense of humour. Ah the joys of living with bipolar. I had a series of flashbacks and memories yesterday about childhood trauma lived, and that spiralled me down. I am trying hard to get my equilibrium.

@MoonGal at times like that I do lots of mindful breathing practice and try to find a peaceful, creative activity to focus my mind on like adult colouring books, zentangles (which you can google, there are lots of free templates to down load or you can do your own), mandalas or I also enjoy getting into planning recipes, making shopping lists and cooking. If I cook too much I freeze some and then it's there for if I crash down at some point. Do you have a good support team - psych people or GP? It might be time for a chat with them about your meds if you are on something, it could need adjusting. Is your silver dial working for you? I know how hard memory flashbacks can be and I also have bipolar 1 so have been through a lot of what you describe. Hope this helps. Happy to chat too 🙂

My 'support team' consists of my darling dog and partner....

I bought a colouring book and coloured and loved it until my wrists and fingers complained it took a week for them to recover (arthritic/immflamatory) so colouring went out the window.

Okay, making a plan because you led me to it thank you. Stop looking at facebook posts. Shut the computer. Have a warm shower, walk doggit with partner down the street and buy a decaf soy coffee and little something to eat. Go to foreshore, watch seagulls and sea. Come home, pick up dog poop and do a load of washing (not necessaitly in that order) read a book (Julliette Marrilier's Bridei chrnicles), have a nap, watch another episode or two of Downton Abbey.

Silver Dial, set to 'O'. Thaks @eth - it is hard to remember what to do when I am in this state.

@MoonGal I want to give lots of likes to your post!!! Good luck with putting your plan into action

@eth.

Part one - skipped the shower, had walk coffee and donut. Tick!
Part two - Dog poo patrol while partner cleaned back gutter. Tick!
PArt three - Washing and reading - about to commence.

Thanks so much for your support & timely reminder.

Big Silver Dial - setting now at about 5... on its way to "0"

@MoonGal that was quick - not that I'm surprised. Reading is something else I do a lot of at times. I really use my local library and sometimes buy books in op shops. How was the walk?

Hi @eth

Part three (4 hours later): Washing and reading and napping - Done. Tick!

Thanks so much for your support & timely reminder.

Big Silver Dial - setting now at about 2... don't know that I can get it down to "0" today...

I love my local library it is my portal into other worlds (stories), where I don't have to be me.

I am trying a new thing in my 'toolkit' that has just eveolved over the past few weeks. In bed, laying down after reading, trying to quieten my mind...

The Albatross

As I breathe in I imagine 'my' wings going up
As I breathe out I imagine 'my' wings going down.

As I breathe, "I" fly

Thank you for beng there for me today - yes the "that was quick" hahaaha - that is my life I don;t 'muck around' everything is supercharged.

Love The Albatross @MoonGal. Glad to hear you were able to nap.

Here I am again, it is 5.00 am I have been up since 3 am. It took two hours to 'get a grip'. I am definately not right - have been in a mixed state for weeks. I think it is the new anti-depressant meds. I have said "I am elevated' maybe I have been more elevated than I thought I was.

God, mixed states are bloody awful. That zingy, antzy, shakey inside , rapid thought, rapid depressed thoughts. Sounds like an oxymoron. But really - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Oh well, maybe would... LOL.
I don't ever seem tohave a 'normal time' it is just all sh*t - I can be humourous, kind, and feel like a homicidal maniac all in a split second (nix the homicidal maniac - its just a figure of speech - I do not have homicidal ideation) I just get rage bursts, they are so quick but I ameliorate them on the outside so they just look like 'irritation'.

I get uber defensive too - Look, I did this! TA DA says I. "Oh, it's not really quite right though is it" says partner. Me - Snarling like a leopard, I pull the 'thing I made" or whatever in tight to myself and say "I didn't ask for your opinion you were just supposed to like it". (Even though by showing it off I HAD put it out there for an opinion -- Living with me is hell. Poor partner...)

I am full on advicey one minute - sharey, too sharey - I confess and lay my life and feelings bare, and tell too much, that can be scary.

If only the world would do what I want it to do everything would be alright'. haha

Moongal for President of the world. I have some insight and think that with that bit of insight I have insight, but really I am kidding myself. I have so much insight I am the most insightful being int he world. Gee, I impress myself sometimes.

I have never been hospitalised for being nuts, have been hospitalised for suicide attempt but that was waaay back when I was 21. Have been hospitalised for alchol and drug rehab (which was all just the BIG COVER UP for being nuts really.

And I AM a mixed packet of nuts. The label reads... May contain... PTSD nut, Anxiety nut, Bipolar nut, OCD nut (OCD is the thinking kind not the repetitive action kind).

Somehow I manage to 'pass' as just eccentric, (I hope) but really don't have any friends in the real world. Oh, there you go - there is a feeling, well up self pity tears, go away.

So here it is 5.22 am on a a saturday, I have a massage at 8.30, i have one every fortnight, have done for the past 15 years. My massage therapist is an important person in my life. She likes me. Thats rare in a person, and beside I pay her for her time. We talk about anything and everything. One of the few people in my life I can be completely ME with. (Which is easy when you are face down on a table and don't have to look the person in the eye.)

I hate being like this. It is good to say that. I hate being unreliable, inconsitent, brilliant one minute, vacant the next, I hate living with chronic pain, and chronic brain and I just wish to Dog it would all go away so I could just be relieved of all this. Is that self pity? Or is it just good sometimes to say it? Now I am crying.

Now I'm not. Wheee. Hang on the roller coaster is in overdrive.

Oh well, when it comes down to it, It is what it is and I have coped more or less for 40 odd years of this, guess I will feel a bit better sometime, when the meds kick in in 20 minutes or so - then I can get on with my real life, making vector artwork, working on the website I am designing, off for a massage, walking my gorgeous doggit...
Vegan donut to add a few more bloody pounds.