Need to talk to hubby

Hi sadgirl

Someone else might be able to give you more structure than this, but I hope my suggestion can get the ball rolling.

It is never easy to be on the receiving end of a dump of "the bad stuff" in a relationship. It might just be my personal philosophy, but I believe men and women are different at some fundamental level in terms of communication and emotional processing - you know, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" kind of thing. To prevent this from becoming a dump session, maybe consider a type of approach that gives you both a framework to understand what is happening between you at the moment, and so you can set up a to-do list of what you would like to see changed, and how to do that.

For example, perhaps offer a point of appreciation ("I appreciate that you ..."), followed by a point of room for improvement ("I would like to see us alter this ..."). Maybe write points for improvement on cards, and have a box to put them in for now, and another box to move them to when you both feel you have moved that point forward. It could also work with a pin-up board.

The points of appreciation are important, because they can tend to get very lost when you encounter Empty Nest Syndrome and need to be found again.

I hope this helps. All the best.

Hi @BlueBay

It sounds like you have both been very busy in your married lives nurturing others up to now and never had the opportunity, time and space to really get to know each other. Now with the children grown up it's just the two of you with no distractions - it's a new adjustment, needs have changed. And if communication has been lacking over the years you may be feeling like strangers emotionally.

Going away together is a great start to get to know and enjoy each other better rekindling those reasons why you married each other in the first place. Communication is key to growing closer together and this will provide a relaxed atmosphere to do so - I feel it's a good idea that you will be initiating communication in order to nurture your marriage.

It is important to be open and honest in how you are feeling with your husband, but I also believe for the success of a relationship it is as equally important to ask him how he is feeling about himself and life as well. And how he is feeling about the both of you now - who can know where we will be in 25 years or if we will be here at all. Otherwise if he feels his needs/feelings are not valued as well he may see it as an attack/dump on him and get his back up and block communication which could make the situation tense.

Instead of stating that the communication is not good in your marriage and that the relationship is going sideways, perhaps initiate gently the conversation with "I think we really need to talk as I feel we are drifting apart and I would like to get closer to you again - how are you feeling about us?. And perhaps then go on to explain to him "what scares you about intimacy" as opposed to your not being interested in intimacy (he would interpret that as "you are not interested in him, rejection of him which would incur hurt; which to my understanding of what you have posted in the past, rejection of your husband is not the case. It's more how you feel about yourself. Have I understood this correctly?).

Thats my two bobs worth. I really hope it goes well for you dear Sadgirl and that it's the first step to a happier relationship, a happier you and a brighter future xx

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member

I really appreciate both of your comments. I will sit down later on today and read your posts again. It is one of the most difficult things to do - I am not good at communicating my inner thoughts. And I guess fear is in there as well. I think i will talk to him while we are away, just the two of us with no distractions.

Both your recommendations of what to say is great, i will take on board what you both have said.

Thank you so much. i will let you know how it goes in a few weeks time.

Wish me luck!!

Good luck ! 💌

I suck at talking about important things. I freeze up, forget words, have panic attacks, cry, scream at my husband, there have been a few times (I seriously am ashamed to say this) that I have become so overwrought I have physically lashed out.

A few weeks ago, we had a disagreement. It was stupid, it was over the way he phrased a statement as a question and the tone of voice he used to do it in.

He left for work, and I got so angry and frustrated that I ended up writing him an 8 page letter of things that piss me off, impress me, things I would like us to do better as a couple, how my thought process works (it is very different than his thought process due to my mental health issues).

One thing I tried to make sure I DIDN'T do in the letter was phrase things "When you do / say / don't do (xyz abc) it makes ME FEEL like (xyz abc) because that is laying blame. DO NOT lay blame because both of you end up feeling like dogpoop.

Try and phrase it as "When you do / say / don't do (xyz abc) I THINK (xyz abc) and my reaction to that thought is (xyz abc).

In a therapy group course I just completed, they explained to us that a feeling can only be described as a single word - ie; happy, sad, angry, worthless, impatient - and that thinking is described in sentences - ie; it makes me think that I am not good enough / a waste of space / you don't like me as I am - etc.

And they also said that (generalisation) people with mental health issues have a tendency to phrase thoughts as feelings, which lays blame on other people for those things - which makes us feel worse and it also confuses us.

Well said Sarz 😊

I think we can all benefit from that.

Hi @BlueBay, I remember from a conversation a few weeks ago where you spoke about your husbands behaviour (going off) and how scared and fragile you were after that. I am so happy you have spoken about ways forward with your support team, that is such a good thing to have done for yourself and your marriage.

Sometimes we just want to be 'heard' I understand that and goodness knows my partner of 25 years knows that too! I came across this brill little picture yesterday and shared it with my partner... and they laughed and said yep! (I am definately the little red guy here in the picture sometimes!).



So MUCH goes on in my head that never makes it to the outside, I often want my partner to be a mind reader - they should "KNOW" what is up with me, how can they NOT know I feel this or that etc? Aren't they paying attention, they mustn't really love ME if they don't know I am upset/distracted/struggling!!! When I have never actually told them? Just done mimes and tehatrical pieces hpoing they will guess th charade.

I notice more these days that everyone struggles and we all fall into a pattern of coping and when things have been fraught, or just stressful and busy (for the past 20 years) - we can grow apart just paddling our own little wobbly canoes doing the best we can to survive.

There are two people here though, them and us... and our shared life.

But deciding to tell them 'HOW I FEEL" has not always been the best of strategies, because they too are people, doing their best (or failing to do their best!). Or deciding to tell them how I would prefer them to be has had unintended consequenses too because it is criticism of how they have been and maybe they too have just been doing the best they can...

It is important to open up communication and move closer together and sometimes a spring clean is needed, but sometimes, being loving, seeing our own 'faults" (When I am stressed for instance I am too judegemental, I am very picky and controlling, nothing my partner does is 'right" Like ythis scenario... "You never do the shopping!" They come home with some groceries the follwoing day after work. with smile "Okay, Darling, I have done some shopping!" , as I dive into the bags "WHAT IS THIS?" I say with a snarl, we never GET THIS!

God I'm a horror, I can see their face fall and their shell grow thicker. Oh damn, I have just garunteed no more shopping ever. and no amount of sorry at that point can take back the implied critisim, you never shop and when you do its wrong anyway.

So we all have our ways of making things harder - and I have found that the most useful and wonderful thing happens when I start to look at my parter anew and start to praise them, and make them an extra cup of coffee or ask them about their day and really listen. (that is like a silent apology for all the times I might have been a right bitch and know it) AND it is done with love and open hearted intention to just be a nice person to the one I really DO love.

Sometimes our shut down buttoned up struggly difficult lives have a bad effect on the people we love and who do love us, thatis not our fault, we did not choose our mental ill health but neither did our partners, so sometimes backing up a bit and creating something new together is better than hauling over the old in the hopes of making it better.

Congratualtions for getting through 30 years of initmate and close relationship that is awesome, if a little thin and worn right now and 30 years is not to be sneezed at! This up coming 30th anniversary trip away might just be the perfect place to rekindle love and spark - not necessarily with all deep and meaningful conversations, nor intimacy if that is not something you can do (I can;t and haven't for over 10 years either). Relax a bit and take a trip down good memory lane... "rememeber when..." have conversations that can get you laughing together... "remember when you... came to the door for the first time to meet my parents? OMG! You had odd socks on by mistake". With purpose and focus... over the time away together revisit all the wonderful times, good memories. Maybe the good memories have gotten buried for both of you under parenting and MIL and like everyone else at our age and stage - the business of teeth clenched, grit determination living.

There are quite a few things on the web that talk about how to have 'conversations' with husbands (which indicates to me - more wives want to have "conversations" than husbands! But maybe - although it will be important to be 'heard' at some stage, clearing the air and moving towards some healing around things that hurt, maybe for both of you just lighteneing up and having some fun and sparkliness and creating a trusting space might be what is just the ticket.

Our number one rule in our relationship is "Always be on each other's side, even when the other one isn't being on their own or our side".

Just a very different perspective, and maybe ther eis something in this that helps a little...

Hi @MoonGal

What you wrote makes so much sense. I have thought more about it a bit more today and think that I will go away with hubby and spend the five days aways having a good time together. When we go away we tend to go for lots of walks down the beach, coffee down the street, play cards and sometimes even play tennis. I think I want to enjoy our anniversary and not have to have a discussion on deep and personal stuff.

I have just come back from a session with my regular therapist who i have seen for almost 5 years. He knows me very well and said to me 'just go and enjoy your time together'; enjoy your anniversary of 30 years of marriage. communicate but don't have any expectations on your husband. That is my problem, i expect him to be different but he isn't different, he is who he is and won't change now. So I need to drop my expectations of him.

I am like you - sometimes i just want to be heard. And what you wrote is so much me as well. Thank you for writing this; it will help me think a bit more.

I will let you all know how it goes.