dont give yourself out it does not help the ones you love

I have tried so hard for 17 years to be a good mother to my son with sz, I now no I cant help him as I have lost myself and my family doing so. I have gone to many meetings feel so guilty and ended up in hospital yesterday wanting to ended it all. I have became so full of self pity and blame and taken so much abuse from my son telling me i am the mental one that i ended up believing it.All i have done for all thoes years is feed him with money to take drugs and achole believing he did not. His anger with the world would be taken out on me, i could not understand why he did not love me and how he could hurt the one who cared so much for him, I now have to let him go as I have failed him and myself.and what a weak way out I was going to take.I could not see no light at the end of the tunnel for him or my self but worst of all I did not think of my 4 other children or there sorrow. I hope that by writing this i may help someone understand the difference between tough love and selfpity. I will be there for my son one day when he does the right thing by taking his meds and gets of drugs. I no now That u all should take care of yourself first as you can not help anyone else until then.