Right now, I made another of my frequent mistakes.

It's quite a silly selfish hiccup so hope you don't mind reading my latest stuff up ......

What's important to me now...

Is that I take care of myself right now.

About 10 years ago,
when my son was ill, I chose to sell my home, move in next door to my step father's home to get support and put all of us ( two children and me) in therapy. then my son got better and moved on and now, after many years of stress, I live in a nice area in a nice unit rental with a wonderful partner and me dog. I've at last got more space to care for my well being. Take care of myself and my own times of mental ill health.

I can see that the years of therapy has set my children to 'help' them be responsible for themselves as I spent times not being a good mum.
this is the stuff up.

Last week, my brother died in a car accident. It was a shock and I'm processing it.

he lived in America, he was son of my father , I didn't know him well but used to send him cards in the mail. As I've only re contacted my father in the last five years, , I didn't meet his side of the family.
Sad surprise : my Father passed away 6 months ago.

a cousin I have just met..... contacted me about what happened with my half brother and as we were emailing to each other, I started inappropriately writing about a separate issues... about my Fathers will....that I had issues with it, that I just want to see myself taken care of.

I cannot believe I was so callous to want to discuss something else...especially money. how crass. ,. But I chose to not focus on the terrible circumstances of my half brother's end. Or my Father.
I feel so terrible and selfish. why do I get myself into these positions?

now he's not answering me. I've made myself be something that I'm not. I feel like I've turned a terrible situation into something selfish about me.

It makes me feel like I am making myself to be something what I'm not.