autoCasual Contributor
Losing myself, what are these feelings?
Hi Everyone,
I’m at a loss to describe this past year, I was always a fairly happy and active person, had some anxiety issues, but nothing major if I’m honest. I always had a strong social network, now I feel life has spiralled out of complete control...
My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness, which they’ve just stopped treatment for. My mother had cancer, and thankfully is fine now. My partner of a year left me, just as we were looking at places to move together, I had already given notice, and this came completely out of left field, I never got closure. To top it off, my grandmother is also unwell, and not likely to have much longer to live.
I’ve been diagnosed with adjustment disorder with depressive mood. I struggle to get up, exercise is not an option and work is nothing but filling in time. My relationships are fractured, friends I’ve know for years I completely avoid for fear of being a burden. I’ve been gambling (pokies) to stop my thoughts, and have developed quite the addiction. I’ve also been drinking, to what I can only describe as dangerous levels, and making very risky choices sexually along the way, just to feel something.
I miss my friends, I miss my family and I miss the life I thought I was going to have, I miss me. I’ve been receiving treatment for trauma, but I struggle to associate, as everything is just too painful. The scary thing is, the situation hasn’t run to full course yet.
I am terrified of the future and am struggling to see light at the end of this, I feel everyday I am dissociating myself further from the world around me to avoid the unavoidable...
I don’t know how people do this, I thought I could handle anything, I was completely wrong.
