I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hello @MarkPage and welcome to the forums.

Children of a narcissistic parent carry many scars which can affect them all their lives - a form of PTSD, some show traits you have described, there are many articles about this on the internet and this may be helpful to you.

Can I gently suggest that what you can do is get some support for yourself. "Self care" is necessary and this takes on different forms for each of us. A counselor might be able to help.

Darcy

Hi @MarkPage, we're sorry to hear about your situation. We are just wondering how you are and whether you've had a chance to get in touch with a counsellor?

Hi @MarkPage

I have only just seen your post above.

There are distinct patterns of behaviour associated with NPD (Narcissistic Persinality Disorder) but it is best to have them identified by a trained counsellor. I say this because people who suffer from NPD rarely ever turn up for fiagnosis, counselling or support to manage their life skills and relationships, despite the fact that most of them do end up destroying everything in their lives that most people hold dear ...... they are so contemptuous of criticism, or anything they mistake for criticism, that they lash out vindictively, whether overtly or covertly, and endeavour to sink or punish those trying to help them.

It is a bleak picture, but when they are able to have their own way and manipulate those around them to serve them, they can be a pleasure to be with, and generous in a very entitled and controlling way. It is possible to keep their bubble relatively intact, and manage the relationship by applying subtle boundaries and lavishing on your own self-care ...... including spending time in the company of others with whom you have a genuine and reciprocal relationship - bearing in mind your NPD partner's jealousies and need to control / sabotage your other relationships.

A skilled counsellor can advise you about whether they believe your wife is likely to have NPD, and advise you regarding self-protective behaviours and other choices. In the absence of a diagnosis over the NPD person themselves, the behaviour patterns of NPD, and the discernible effects on all those around the person, are identifiable, and it is appropriate to apply support and strategies towards those behaviours, with or without an actual diagnosis, for your own support and welfare, or support to leave the relationship, which is just as important when dealing with NPD. It doesn't go well ..... speaking from experience here 👋.

Good luck, and please keep posting. Support for you is the most critical thing here, and that lifeline helps in the support / rescue of others trapped within the escalating behaviour patterns of someone with NPD.

🌷F&H

Something that I have noticed about people that suffer from PD's and their loved ones is that they become convinced that the person is %100 their illness. All of their actions, their thoughts, their words, every behaviour and relationship, their entire being is BPD or NPD or ASPD etc. On the flip side, the rest of us, with all the other mental illnesses are desperately trying to convince people until we are blue in the face that we are not our illness. I wonder if you are able to see @MarkPage that since being in this relationship there has been a merging and that you are unable to distinguish where the person starts and ends and where the illness is. Maybe she isn't an affectionate type of person. Some people don't seem to need much affection at all, close to zero, which I just find inconceivable because I am a Koala type, but relationships can still last, but only if you are compatible and the same. My best buds have been together close to 15 years and I have only ever seen them touch each other maybe once or twice in that 15 years.......I could not live like that, I would become ill. But it works because they are both the same. It's not my cup of tea, but it is theirs.

PD's are a tough road, but so are all mental illnesses. My father was on the PD spectrum so they are in my family, and you seem to think that your wife's mother is also on the PD spectrum, which wouldn't be surprising because mental illness often runs in family.

I just can't see how a diagnosis would do anything to change the fundamentals of your relationship. Corny

@Faith-and-Hope

It feels so rare to speak to a person in any community about NPD. NPD is nothing short of hell. I literally became a shell of myself. To me it's much worse than the standard domestic violence and that really is bad enough as well. It doesn't matter how intelligent one is about narcissism. These people have one thing in mind only. Seek, k.i.l.l. and destroy using any and all means possible. And that she did.

Your ex is just vile @Powderfinger .

I am so happy she has someone else. An odd thing to say, but seriously if she didn't she would be threatening S and SH. People that run these S hotlines need some education about DV. It is very often DV and not SI at all.

Abusive people are pitiful people. They can't be on their own, they have to have someone to control and admire them. @Faith-and-Hope ex found himself a poodle, your ex has some loser on her arm, it was always going to end that way because of who they are as a person and their MI of NPD just makes it even more extreme. Corny

Hey @Corny

Vile is too polite honestly

I am so happy she has someone else. An odd thing to say, but seriously if she didn't she would be threatening S and SH. People that run these S hotlines need some education about DV. It is very often DV and not SI at all.

Well @Corny Who knows if it was even true that she had someone else? I do think it was true BUT I think it was her new supply. However she knew that her new supply was not up to her standards so she decided to keep me tangling there. I did not know about her new supply till she rvealed that five weeks after I had ended it. By the way only because she decided she did not want to hide it from me anymore. That is translated as, I am going to make you extremely jealous so you fight for me and come back to me. I am going to tell you things about him and me so it forces you to come back to me and make you worried that I am moving on without you.

I saw through it all and whatever she was trying to achiev it did the opposite. I didnt care about her new supply. I didnt care that she could possible be sleeping with him. So much for her saying she was done with men. I didnt care what they were or were not doing together. Basically, I just did what a normal human being would. I told her how happy I was for her and that I wished her the absolute best with her new boyfriend. I wished them happiness and joy. I said to her its actually best I truly move on so you two can focus on your new relationship, we both know what it is like for an ex to be in the way when you are in a new relationship. In light of your news, I am fine with moving on. All the best. Goodbye.

I meant it of course, I did. However, I also knew that this was going to be a time when she would fly into her own narcissistic rage because her plans to do what she wanted failed. I wasnt falling over myself to get back with her. I knew what she was doing and it just made me sickedned even more than what I was. It turned me off and it was wuite disgusting really. I saw how pathetic she was. Apparently, he walked in like a knight in shining armor when I ended it with her. She almost died and was so suicidal. was on suicide watch and in therapy. He was supporting her and holding her when she was in tears. Now he was starting to fall in love with her and she hadn't let him in but since I'd made it clear that I was never coming back and it was truly over, it is time she let him in like that to get to know her, after all he was falling in love with her.

I saw through it all. It so insane, it is laughable because it is so insane. Not only a few days before she was begging me to come back one day. I pray to god you come fine me again one day, I do not know what is happening and why I break down in tears when I think of you. I will answer that for you. Because you are a narcissist and all your best laid plans and methods didnt work. You are breaking down because of narcissistc injury not because you were or are actually in love with me. You are empty, deeply insecure, feel entitled, think you own me, think that I am going to come running back to you anytime now, and ONLY becAUSE YOU HAVE NO SUPPLY FILLING UP YOUR INSATIABLE EGO that is never satisfiable fed. It can never be. That is part and parcel of being a narcissist. You are pathetic, you are weak, you are a patholgical liar and a terrible one at that because you dont keep a track of your lies and you expose yourself as a result. Basically you are a laughing stock to me. It took me a while to realise what was really goin on and who she really is. I could not have seen it while in a relationship. Only time, distance and completely cutting her off and out of my life was going to make me finally be able to see the truth of her. The facts are she is incapable and always will be of loving herself, she doesnt know what it means, narcissists deep down oathe themselves, however they will outwardly project to anyone and everyone that their behaviour and their deeds make her hate herself and feel bad. Truth is that was there way before. Therapy is a no go zone because they are not the problem. Everyone else invluding me cause them to be so messed up and damaged. Oh gosh, I could seriously write a book about her.

As for some of these hotlines, I completely agree with you. That is why I do not call them and talk to them anymore. This is not a case of DV or SI. Far beyond that and far beyond what their education and knowledge has ever taught them. Hence completely moot that I even bother @Corny Knowledge and education is power. Healing and recover is my own journey to do how I want it, when I want it, in my own time and with no needed permission from anyone at all on how that looks for me. I will do it how I want it. I wont be controlled anymore. I just left that for goodness sake.

What absolute rubbish @Powderfinger I do not fall for that rubbish story one tiny bit. Holding her while she's experiencing SI from the breakdown of her relationship, please. Make sure she is safe and contact health professionals, yes, but this knight in shining armour crap, what rubbish. Who would feel safe in that situation at the very beginning of a relationship when she is so unstable; no one. You would politely exit a volatile situation recognising someone is very unwell and that you're out of your depth and the best people to help are trained professionals.

I would not be surprised if her entire life is a total lie. There really are no limits, lies so big they make you giddy. Some of the lies my father told were so huge, my sibs are so mortified they've never told a soul about. Criminal insanity. I read somewhere your ex posted on social media, on a DV site about narcissism.....she comes across as not the type that would lie about having cancer or Bipolar Disorder to mask she sleeps around, she'd go for something that most people in society would never dare to question such as childhood trauma, something really dark and tragic, and yet there is no physical or functional evidence of such horror ever occurring. She's coping just fine, and seems to be willing to hook up with complete strangers very easily with no physiological barriers barricading her in her home. I'm sure she bags people out on welfare because we're not gold diggers liker her; she realised that 'he's not up to her standards" ie: not wealthy enough, not good looking enough, not of a high enough status. Has she ever been diagnosed with BPD P? And if she ever SH'd did that start before or after the diagnosis to your knowledge. I'd bet my bottom dollar it was after - mimicking, competition, attention seeking, has to have the spot light; misdiagnosis because it is a women would be my guess.

There's no easy walk out of this trauma P. It is really tough going, very lonely at times, but I would stick to no contact as much as you can. It really is the only way to give your brain a chance to make new connections and to recover from this madness. Every time a new relationship fails or they don't serve her anymore she will try and reel you back in......stay strong. Others have come before you, and made it out the other side, battle worn and scarred for life, but we're still here.

Something I find really interesting and frustrating about our culture is that collective victimisation such as racism is legit, and no one would ever question its validity and would be publicly shamed if they did. But individual victimisation is not afforded the same concern. Especially victimisation that occurs in a domestic setting against women and girls.....I watched the dramatisation of OJ Simpson on Netflix. Reading about the history his lawyer was some hot shot famous guy and very well known for advocating against racial discrimination - but he was beating his wife up. Such hypocrisy I can't stand it. It's not about racism its about hatred, the conversations haven't gone far enough, similar hierarchies remain, the same problems continue, sexism, patriarchy and homophobia are all allowed to carry on. Just my 2 cents P.

@Corny

All I can say is I agree with EVERYTHING you have said. I have a heart of stone towards her. Not even half an inch of love or warmth. Just rock solid stone.

I'm taking a break from Sane. Not doing well at all.

Take care.

Totally understand @Powderfinger .

There is never any pressure to be on here or reply to people, we all understand having to take it moment by moment following an interpersonal crisis & trauma. If you come on here and end up feeling worse, not better, you know it is time to take a break from all things mental illness. It gets too much sometimes.

I hope you can find a comfort show/music/podcast/movie/book/puzzle/game or something to zone out to and give your mind a little bit of distraction.

Sometimes all we can do is hold on as best as we can, and hope that the scenery changes.

Corny