How to validate oneself

Hi @BlueBay

hmm...I don't think it's even about saying 'what can I do about it?', but rather just acknowledging the position and allowing it to be. Giving yourself permission to be, just as you would allow someone else that grace if they were experiencing that same thing. I know it's a little cliche but what would you say to a friend in the same situation?

At least that's how I interpret it.

It's good that you are thinking about what has been said, it begins the conversation for the next session, 'so when you said validate myself what did you mean...?'

Thoughts @sadgirl ?

Hi @-karma-

I have written some points down for my DBT therapist. I have a session tomorrow afternoon. I understand what you're saying. Sometimes I think I understand but then get it so wrong. And then I feel terrible in asking again for an explanation for fear of being judged as dumb. I have problems with remembering things from my sessions so I think i need to write things down each week after my session.

I'm a little confused by that term "validate" too...

Like @-karma- said, I guess it's about acknowledging what state you are in, perhaps exploring how it feels? Ask yourself "What am I feeling?" or "How am I feeling?"

From my own experience, I know that as I slowly get to understanding myself better, what makes me tick and tock and so forth, perhaps I tend to get a bit more of an insight into how other people function and what they are going through. In that way, it improves my empathy for other people, to know that everyone struggles with stuff, and that everyone is basically bumbling through life, confused, scared, perhaps a little angry. Some people just hide it better than others, I reckon... hahaha...

I think there are practical limits to how much validation or questioning we should be doing. Too much of it, and we fill ourselves so much with self-doubt that we become paralysed and stop functioning properly. I've been there - for years of my life, actually. It's a terrible thing to be so uncertain and insecure, just because you are constantly questioning yourself and your reality. Is this normal? Is this the right way that I should be responding? And so on, it goes...

As always, I think it's about finding a happy medium, a balance.

Speaking of questions, @BlueBay - please try not to feel bad about asking questions of your therapist (or anyone for that matter). It doesn't show you're dumb. It shows that you may not be sure about something, but are very interested in finding out. It shows an inquisitive mind, which is very much the opposite of being dumb...

My memory is rubbish a lot of the time. It's part of my bipolar issues - perhaps too much going on inside my head? Dunno. But I find I have to ask questions all the time to try and understand things. I used to wish that I could record my therapy sessions on my phone or something like that, so I could go back over things. Often, some very important things are covered, but we are either too emotional or too confused or too overwhelmed to take it all in, and much of the therapeutic value of the session can be lost as a result...

Thanks @Silenus for your reply and support.

I guess I always feel inadequate when questioning about something I don't understand. I feel that I will be laughed at. And you know I have had this problem since school. I remember at high school I would not put my hand up to ask a question for fear of being laughed at or that my question is 'not good enough'. And to this day I still have this issue.

Yeah I agree if you validate too much then you will be paralysed with too much fear and doubt.

I really enjoy chatting with you @Silenus; you have so much to give; always giving some great advice, information or support. And that's what need - to support each other.

Thank you again, i truly appreciate your support. 🙂

Hi sadgirl,

I think that if we rely on others for validation too much, we might end up with an inconsistent self image and bad self esteem. I know that I have fallen into this trap myself many times. An example might be when I create a painting and ask others' opinions on it in an effort to gain some validation for my work. Some are going to like it - or perhaps even they will just say they do to keep me happy - and others are going to hate it - and the ones who hate it probably wouldn't know how much effort went into making it, or they might not know about art at all, or even what makes good art, so what good is their opinion anyway?

At the end of the day, if I spent twenty hours on that painting and it says something important to me, if it speaks some truth that matters to me especially, then I won't care if some people don't think that truth is 'important' or 'necessary' because I know it is to me, and I know how self-absorbed and cavalier others can be with their opinions. So I've validated myself I guess and I can still hear others' opinions on the painting but I truly know myself what the value of my effort is.