Hi @Exhausted1 , thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, it is sincerely appreciated.
After reading, and rereading your posts, I can definitely see a loft of similarities of experiences, but even more so on what it has done to us. I too suffer from PTSD, and the minute my son even raises his voice, or I see that look in his eyes, I am straight back into the worst part of the nightmare that consumed us for 8/9 years straight. I too, believe I had a breakdown, as i just barely functioned during a long period, and honestly have no recollection of anything during those years, it is as though one day I was 44, the next day I was 50!!..
I get, like many others, so very angry at the mental health system as it totally failed us, and still does, which leaves you at a loss of where to turn.
My son is also a drug addict. People seem to have the perception that dope is a "soft" drug with no consequence. I have friends that smoke dope, some occasionally, others regularly, but ultimately aren't addicted. The lengths he will go to if he doesn't have any are that of any addict with stealing, lies, stand over tactics, physical and verbal abuse etc. I am even at the point of cutting off all funds, as it only enables him to keep more money for his addiction. For a couple of years I paid to keep him out of home, so my youngest could get through years 11 and 12. Then I provided grocery only gift cards, then only helped with giving him food from our fridge/freezer etc. I feel I even have to cut this off, as one, I cant afford it, but secondly I know he can then use the money he saved in not buying food, for dope. Is such a hard one, as you want them to eat, and need them to eat, but again it only enables the other.
He has had numerous run ins with the police as a juvenile and spent a couple of short stays in detention. Then under the youth system, which is a joke. He would breach in excess of 30 times before they would even issue a formal warning (he needed 3 formal warnings before they would take him back to court). Now he has had a few lucky escapes before the courts as an adult, with now a large one pending. He now has some driving matters before the courts. One being his 4th charge of driving unlicensed and after numerous sermons by the magistrate as to jail time, I am scared that this will be a very real possibility this time. If he does end up being sentenced, it terrifies me for him. For all his tough bravado, he sincerely is just a little scared boy inside a mans body. The one part of me feels finally, consequences to his actions, the mother in me knows he won't cope in there and I don't believe it will change him for the better, but make him forever lost. Unfortunately due to the leniency of the youth system, he really doesnt believe any of the lectures etc, as he has been shown time and time again that they mean nothing. He also has a language disorder which one part of it means he is a "literal thinker", so he learns by what he can see, feel, touch etc, cant comprehend sarcasm and innuendos as an idea, so from what he has "seen" through the court system is you breach bail conditions, no one cares and there are no consequences, you are told "this" will happen next time, but it doesn't. So he sincerely feels he is invincible, and that jail will never happen.
As to looking after ourselves, that has become so hard. As during the most severe times, I was scared to even shower, as during that time he would rifle through things and steal, or worse, start harassing and bullying my other son. When he was out of home he would regularly break in, so I became a virtual prisoner in my own home, as I couldn't leave. If I had an appointment to attend, I needed 2 people to help, 1 to babysit the house and 1 to take me as for a long time, and now every so often, I was unable to drive. I didnt even feel I could turn my back long enough to even poop lol!!! So I feel taking time for me, is pretty much impossible.
As to the advice you gave, you wisdom definitely hit home. I understand I can only control what I am able to, not my son or his choices. I have held his hand through getting help, as I always promised him that he could return home if he was involved in counseling and trialing medications, but he had to be doing it for 6-12 months before I would consider it, not just a week like he felt was enough. Surprise surprise, he stuck at it for 6 months and things were going so well. The medication kept his temper under control, plus depression and anxiety. However it was all a ruse to move back home. I honestly didn't think he could be that manipulative and self serving for so long, as he would never normally commit to anything longer than a few days, let alone 6 months. So I kept to my word and let him move back home on strict conditions . As soon as he moved back in, no more counseling, no more medication!! Obviously things didn't go well and I had to ask him to leave after he stole from me for dope, that was 2 weeks ago. There is always no contact at first as he is angry as it is all my fault. Then he comes crawling back saying unfelt sorry etc, then the asking for money, which turns into begging then the verbal and physical abuse all start again, and we are back to square one.
I am so sorry to hear your son quit the drug and alcohol program, and am so sorry to hear that you too, were about to be back to the beginning all over again. Mental health has totally decimated our family, my life and obviously my sons. So many people don't realise it is not only the person afflicted who suffers, but also their loved ones, to the point they end up feeling just as isolated, just as desperate, and the fear we live in on a day to day basis, is just all consuming.
I am just taking this "no contact time " to try to gather my thoughts, and strength to see where I go from here. A DVO is high on my priority list, it is just also making sure I am ready and strong enough to deal with the explosion that will definitely ensue.
Again, thank you for your kind words, your wake up call that it isn't my "ride", you have helped me not only felt heard and understood, but have helped me see things in a new light.
Thinking of you and your struggles xx
