Emotional Abuse

---

@Cherpieus wrote:

[QUOTE] Yesterday I went out most of the day to avoid him. When I came home he asked if I had been crying and I told him I was earlier in the day. He asked why and I said I had had a hard night with him yelling. He said he couldn't find the remote and I couldn't respond. He didn't apologise - he doesn't really think there was anything wrong with it. [/QUOTE]

Hello @Cherpieus

So sorry to read of the fear you are living under. Please know you are not alone in this - I have been through it before and am currently going through such abuse from my teenage daughter. It can feel like such a helpless situation; hence why your fear and anxiety is spiralling out of control; so to curb this you have to regain control back in your living/family environment at home or things will just get worse. To gain control of feeling safe in your own home which everyone has a right to:- your husband needs to know loud and clear that his behaviour was "unacceptable" and this cannot continue. He needs to be truly sorry or he will just keep doing it. This will not only impact negatively on yourself but also on your teenage children.

[QUOTE] Anyway, whether it was wrong or not I have had severe anxious reactions I now can't control. I've completely lost my appetite and am having stomach problems, I'm crying continuously and I just want to go to bed. I went to bed at 7.30pm last night. I'm happy I'm at work today (Sunday) so I don't have to be around my husband. But I'm shaking and I can't get warm. [/QUOTE]

You have been traumatised. Your symptoms are caused from being highly distressed/anxious - that will take its toll mentally and physically if it continues. When I was like that I had to force myself to eat and needed support. Keep talking to someone. I take it this is not a one off episode or has there been other ongoing trauma/stress for you?

[QUOTE] I'm so scared about going home. We are having a family dinner tonight with my Dad and I'm so anxious. I am not capable of talking to my husband about it any more as I am paralysed by fear. I know the feeling fear is now extreme but I don't know how to curb it? [/QUOTE]

To curb the distress/anxiety you will need to feel safe in your own home. That is what it comes down to. Anything else is a bandaid solution. You need to feel "in control" to curb your anxiety - anxiety is born of a feeling of helplessness, doubt and fear. Of believing the worse will happen whether that is realistic or not. Of not being in control of basic necessities such as peace in your own home. You can't keep going on being scared to go home.

I am not sure if this has been an ongoing situation but if it has been this form of emotional abuse is a form of DV. And as traumatising as it can be (I know) you can't let that continue. If it is a one off it should be enough to let your husband know that it wasn't acceptable and then things should settle.

Either way, you will need to at the right time confront your husband about this and tell him without arguing that you can't live like this and work it out with him. Don't let him cross the line with you or he will do it again - that has been my experience.

When we feel so distressed this can be very difficult to do - but I have learnt not to let my fear rule and just do it - do what needs to be done and said to protect myself. I had to be strong. Otherwise I would of continued to put up with unacceptable behaviour and become even more traumatised and depressed. Avoidance doesn't not make the problem go away - it will feed it by saying silently to the other "this behaviour is acceptable".

Good thing he is not physically abusive as that means you can talk to him. Have you ever considered asking him to attend a counselling/mediation session with you if he refuses to acknowledge or address his behaviour on an ongoing basis? A unbiased third party may help as you need to feel safe and happy in your own home for any chance to heal mentally. You need to talk to him - communication and nurturing of mutual respect is vital for the longevity of any healthy relationship.

Expect no less for your own well being and that of your children, with at the same time trying to perhaps encourage your husband to express why he had such an outburst and talk it through being as supportive as possible to him as well - suggesting and discussing less abusive and healthier ways to deal with his frustrations.

My heart goes out to you as I know how traumatising, heartbreaking and hard such a situation can be. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about this and gain support from? Your dad perhaps? Sending warm hugs x

[QUOTe] Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated [/QUOTE]

Thanks,

Cherpieus

---

My pleasure - please remember we are here for you and you are not alone. Post whenever you feel you need extra support.

Let us know how it all goes as I will be thinking of you. I am going through similar myself at the moment. It's not easy but necessary - one day at a time. Hugs

Hi @Cherpieus, so sorry to hear of your Mum's passing and the fraught anxious situation at home with your partner. Is this a pattern of behaviur for him? We can all drop a tanty when something happens, but to do it as a pattern of being is not okay for you or your kids.

I do hope you can find some support for this part of your life. Anxiety is crippling and re-triggering, trying to find calm and an even keel is impossible if you are in a situation where rockets go off unexpectedly.

Thinking of you and hope you can find some sound solutions.

Thank you to all who responded to my post the other day. I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to talk to my husband. He asked me if I wanted to say something to him and I completely froze. I asked 'why do you ask that?' and he berated me for responding to a question with a question. I then said there was nothing I wanted to say.

A day later and he still seemed angry in himself. Again, I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

Then, yesterday he asked if I was angry at him. I said 'no, I thought you were angry at me and I'm scared of you.' He said he wasn't angry at me and then changed the subject.

Since then things have been ok with him. I however still feel traumatised. I'm still feeling sick in the stomach and shakey.

This is a pattern of behaviour with him that occurs about once every month. The anger is not usually directed right at me - it could be towards his kids, my kids, or about an issue he is having or something stupid like not being able to find something. But every time he explodes I freeze and don't know what to do.

I guess I will have to say something at some stage when I'm feeling somewhat better. Until then I've just got to cope one day at a time.

It is good to know that I'm not over reacting and his behaviour is not ok. I can easily be conned into thinking it's all my fault.

Hi @Cherpieus

I'm concerned that you are feeling traumatised and unsafe in your own home. I just wanted to let you know about a service called 1800RESPECT that provides 24/7 telephone and online counselling for any kind of abuse. They might be able to offer more specialised assistance for your current situation with your husband. Alongside that, we are here for you.

Take care,

Shimmer

Hello dear @Cherpieus

Thank you for the update. It was good to read that things have settled for now but as you stated your husbands explosive angry outbursts is a monthly regular occurrence; and will inevitably happen again as your husband still is not remorseful. But to be fair he needs to know how his anger is effecting you and the children before he can possibly start to be sorry - he needs to know clearly how his behaviour is making you and the children feel.

[QUOTE] Unfortunately I wasn't able to talk to my husband. He asked me if I wanted to say something to him and I completely froze. I asked 'why do you ask that?' and he berated me for responding to a question with a question. I then said there was nothing I wanted to say. [/QUOTE]

Your husband initiated open communication enquiring how you were feeling and why. That was an opportunity to clear the air and let him know how his anger was detrimentally effecting you. Did you freeze because you are afraid he will respond in a aggressive, angry manner if you tell him his behaviour is not acceptable? Has he done so in the past?

I can understand this as it is the same situation with my daughter - I am now giving her ultimatives if her behaviour continues (as talking and supporting didn't change anything over the years I have tried - I am at the last resort stage). She does respond better if I act on those ultimatives ( she knows I mean what I say now - enough is enough).

[QUOTE] A day later and he still seemed angry in himself. Again, I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

Then, yesterday he asked if I was angry at him. I said 'no, I thought you were angry at me and I'm scared of you.' He said he wasn't angry at me and then changed the subject. [/QUOTE]

Your husband is now satisifed nothing is wrong because he wasn't angry at you and thus feels you have "nothing to be afraid of" - and that all is well in his mind. He needs to know that even though he is not angry at you specifically "his anger outbursts are continually traumatising you and the children regardless - and causing constant disharmony in the household that is effecting your mental health". He needs to know this to see a reason to address his anger outbursts.

It is a good thing that when you feel better that you will communicate this with him as its the only way forward to living in a safer environment by demanding respect. Living with a walking time bomb is no way to live.

[QUOTE] It is good to know that I'm not over reacting and his behaviour is not ok. I can easily be conned into thinking it's all my fault. [/QUOTE]

Its definitely not your fault my friend. His constant outbursts is a lack of respect to those around him. He is not a child and has to own responsibility for his actions to change. Sometimes angry outbursts can be a result of pent up stress (held in by not talking to anyone about it and then it boils over - especially a problem in males). So perhaps asking him if everything is okay at work and in his life generally, encouraging him to talk may help him release that stress in a healthier way.

It could also be a power trip - especially if when expressing your distress at his anger, this communication of your feelings is met with an angry aggressive response. That is abuse and if not stood up to will empower the person and they will become worse.

I hope you feel better soon. Please let us know how you get on. Sending warm hugs

@Cherpieus - One thing that can help frame a response and stay in charge of fear and emotion - when you are given the opportunity by aquestion from your partner "What's worng?" or "Are you angry with me?" Is to frame your response in a way that "Owns your own feelings"

a way of speaking about things that happened that describes your experience of it.

"When you shout and go off and throw things, I feel very scared and worry that you may escalate your behaviour and we (the kids or I) might get hurt"
and ask for a commitment from him
"Can you please try to find other ways to express your frustration, going "off" doesn't help you or me?"

(Sorry if this sounds too advicey - I just know from personal experience that practicing in my mind framing calm responses can help that 'freeze' up - watching for an opportunity (when he asks a question) to answer with a practiced answer.