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BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor14 Mar 2019, 8:09 pm AEDT

BPD and self destruction

I have BPD, diagnosed 9 years ago.

For a while now I’ve been self destructing ie stopping all my meds. I’ve been told that It’s a form of self harm/sabotage.

I don’t understand the reason why I do this. The thing I do know is that when this happens I spiral right out of control and end up in hospital.

I also thought - do I do this as a cry for help? To be listened to snd ti be validated.

I wonder also if there’s a pattern of behaviour before i get to the point of self sabotage with my meds.

Are there others on here with BPD that have done or do the same. And if so how do you stop yourself.

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In response to: BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 8:14 am AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

@Sans911 My coping strategies are - keeping busy going for a walk

watering the garden

but sometimes when I’m bad I find it hard to use my coping skills.

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

Sans911Senior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 8:30 am AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

Yeah, I'm the same @BlueBay. My skills go out the window when I'm feeling really bad.

You've mentioned that you don't know the reason why you feel this way. But if you could think about what's going on for you right now, is there any one person who you feel like their not listening properly to you? Like a psychologist, pdoc, support worker or someone else? Did you say something and perhaps felt they brushed off something that was important to you?

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 8:39 am AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

I think for me @Sans911 I don’t fully understand the reasons why I do this.

Maybe it’s my inner child screaming and crying fir help which I never got as a child. But now as an adult I’m still crying fir help. Some days I feel like a child where I want to have a super tantrum. It’s silly because I’m an adult.

I think a lot of whst I do is part of my childhood trauma.

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

Sans911Senior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 8:55 am AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

How you react in a situation isn't silly at all @BlueBay. It's how you've adapted to situations outside your control. And yes, it's part of your past trauma. You didn't get the things you needed like love, trust, being heard, honesty. Until you learn a new way of coping and loving yourself with kindness and compassion, things won't change for you. It's a hard road to get to that place of self love and acceptance. I'm no where near it.

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

NewbySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 1:24 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

@BlueBay I too stop taking my medication. It’s because I feel like I’m not worthy of feeling better or don’t deserve it. sometimes I just want to watch myself self destruct. My diagnosis is depression and anxiety but I thought maybe I had a form of bipolar as I experience significant highs. I didn’t know anything about bpd and just looked it up and gosh it sounds like me all over

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

NewbySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 1:28 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

@BlueBay I lie to my husband and tell him I’m taking my medication but I’m not. He can tell I’m not because I’m aggressive and horrible. I’m unstable and feel crazy but it doesn’t make me take my medication. It’s almost like I’m punishing myself. Hope you’re okay @BlueBay

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 2:32 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

Yeah @Newby I get you. I too feel thst I am punishing myself. I feel not worthy at times and like I don’t deserve to be happy or be better.

Ive been told that my self esteem is very very low and I struggle with being loving and kind to myself.

Hiw are coping?

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 7:03 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

I’m having strong thoughts of stopping my meds. Anger is not helping. Trying to crochet but being destructive is on my mind. I’m so angry I can’t write it here st the moment

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 7:23 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

Is there anyone around @outlander @Sans911 @Newby @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar

i wish I could get away

just anywhere far away on my own

In response to: Re: BPD and self destruction

Shaz51Senior Contributor15 Mar 2019, 7:25 pm AEDT

Re: BPD and self destruction

Hugs my sister @BlueBay xoxo

Hello @Newby , @Sans911 , @outlander xx

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.