newbie

Hi there. I am a new member and I have never been a member of a mental health support group before. I have struggled with my mental health all my life but my worst bout of depression started 2 years ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and taken off antidepressants to go on to bipolar medication. That's when the trouble really started. Many different diagnoses and medications later, 3 hospitalisations in psychiatric facilities, self harm and the whole catastrophe. Two years later I am treading water. I have tried many different things, yoga, walking, integrative medicine, meditation, diet, well you get the idea. I really want something to change so that I might feel a bit better. So I keep trying, I keep changing things and maybe I will luck onto something that helps. My social anxiety is quite bad now and I have to say that I once would have been viewed as the most confident person in the room. Amateur theatre, dance, teaching, sport, you name it I was into it. I think that's what I miss the most. Depression has robbed me of myself, what I hold dear and the best part of me. I miss my life and the person I was. I think even if I can find a way out of this that I won't be the same person. Well, that person had lots of negative qualities as well, compulsive shopping, impulse control behaviours, stealing. I don't miss those things that's for sure. But I miss me, the essence of me and my bright, happy personality. I wonder if others feel this way and how they have learned to live with it or have overcome it. Do they feel like their old selves again or are they forever altered? I am trying to reduce my dose of antidepressants at the moment. That's my latest thing. Maybe that will make me feel a bit better! So far it has not helped much, in fact my anxiety is worse and it is supposed to be helping that. I haven't been able to sleep without medication for 2 years. I take a very low dose of an antipsychotic at night but it is not restful sleep and I always wake at around 4.30am. I miss being able to sleep naturally the most I think, I used to love napping. I probably slept too much before. Also a sign of depression! Do you know I feel like I've lost my sense of humour? I still have a bit of it but it feels almost foreign now. I always loved a good laugh. Yep, miss that too. Sorry to be so negative but hey I'm depressed! I have a wonderful husband and two boys, one is 17 and the other 20. They are my life at the moment. And my mum and dad, I spend a lot of time hanging out with them.. They have more of a life than me and they are elderly (they don't think of themselves that way). Does anyone have any advice on lowering your antidepressant dose? The Pdoc just says to come off it relatively quickly but he has no idea what it is like. The withdrawal is horrendus. Also tips on sleep or relaxation. I need to read some discussions, there is probably stuff already there. Well that's me, it is a bit exhausting telling your story as it brings it back. I hope I can get some benefit from this group and maybe help somebody as well. That would be worthwhile, because being depressed makes you feel useless. Still hanging in there.