Unsure if partner has BPD

Hi all,

I've spent all morning reading through posts about BPD on here and have felt some comfort knowing that others are experiencing similar things to me as well. It helps with feeling less isolated and that I'm not imagining my feelings.

My partner and I have been going out for five months, not very long in the grand scheme of things, but our relationship escalated very quickly and for the most part it has been great. We have plenty in common to bond over and I love the guy, but I have struggled to make sense of some of the disagreements we've had.

I think some context is also important to frame the arguments we've had. I grew up in a fairly liberal environment and have never thought that platonic friendships between men and women (or any person, whatever their gender or sexual preference) are inappropriate or out of place. I was always a bit of a tomboy growing up and as such had more male than female friends, and this is a trend that has continued into my 20s. This has never been an issue in part relationships, and I have always been open and honest about who my friends are with my partners. My partner, on the other hand, has completely different views on friendships between men and women – he finds them inappropriate, and that someone talking to a person of the opposite sex that is not their partner is disrespectful to the relationship and themselves.

I think all of the arguments we have had have stemmed from this issue. On my end, I feel as though I am behaving the same way I always have, including in other relationships, and am having a difficult time understanding what the boundaries are with him. He has stated that he does not want to control me, yet I feel there is an unstated expectation that I drop the majority of my male friends so that there will be no further cause for arguments. He has also accused me of sleeping with/being interested in other men... and the targets change depending on who is closest on the radar. E.g., He thinks that I am interested in an ex classmate simply because I am making a move to work in the same workplace (more due to the company than the influence of my friend). He has also accused me of constantly needing "male attention", that my phone is blowing up with messages from other guys constantly, and accused me of messaging other men when it's actually been family or girl friends.

None of his accusations are grounded in reality, and it wears me down so to have to constantly defend myself against them. And no matter how much I try to reassure him and show him that what he's saying is not true, he will either change the topic, deflect, or find an issue with my response to then use against me. Our arguments can start for reason A and by the end of it we've somehow gone through issues B through Z.

When we first met, and when things are good between us, he says the most loving things – that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, that I made his pain go away. But when we have an argument, the things he has said to me have been incredibly hurtful – he has likened me to his ex multiple times (she treated him terribly on all accounts), says that I have completely destroyed him, and has said that if I break up with him that he will return to his ex. The yo-yoing between one extreme and the other has been difficult ot deal with. I have tried my best to show him love and care in the ways that I know how, but when we argue, all that seems to count for nothing – all he can focus on is what I've done "wrong" in his eyes. Since we've started going out, I've limited my interactions with certain male friends out of respect for him... but it's not something I would normally ever do, or even expect someone to do for me. He knows this, and that I'm doing it for him rather than for myself has also become a point of argument.

In past relationships I have made it my policy to be open and honest about my past, including other relationships, sexual or not. I have tried to do the same here but have found that things I have said in confidence have been used against me to prove a point. As a result I no longer feel comfortable communicating about certain things because I don't know when it's going to come back round to me. He has also criticised my perspective on a lot of things, telling me that many of the beliefs I hold about relationships are not normal, and that he has difficulty trusting me because of them. E.g., I have said in the past that I have no issue with people breaking up one day and deciding to sleep with someone else the next (to each, their own), and he seems to have interpreted this as me being willing to do the same to him in the event of a break-up.

After a really bad argument a month or so ago I started seeing a psychologist because I started getting anxiety about the whole situation, and not feeling like I could trust my own judgment anymore. During one of our sessions I brought along some text message exchanges and told her about other things he's said to me and she mentioned BPD somewhere along the way... I've done some reading since then and there's so much that just falls in line with what I've found. Whilst I know that my account of things and a few descriptions is nowhere near enough for anyone to diagnose anything, I can't help but feel that he certainly has some of the traits.

He is currently seeing a psychologist but I am not sure if our relationship is something that he talks about in his sessions (he sought help for other issues unrelated to me).

For my part, I don't know what to do. I love him and I genuinely enjoy being with him, but I cannot cope with the arguments and emotional yo-yoing. Sorry for the long post – I still have so much more to say because I feel there's so much nuance to everything as well.