want to not exist

Hi @Serenity1. I read your post above feeling lots of feels for what you're going through at the moment.

Twice over the last 18months/2 years I have reached the point of finding myself really wanting to not exist, being very scared of that and needing someone to take over for a bit. I have kids and am pretty on my own with them after moving away from our family and friends. I found it incredibly difficult to think about what would happen to my kids if I needed to go away and if no-one was there to have them for me (I still find that one scares the heck out of me!). It was a terrifying thought and I completely understand how difficult it might be for you to face that too. I also felt the harsh heart pain of thinking about how much my kids would miss me and the fear of how they'd cope while I was gone.

As it turned out I was really lucky to have someone close come and stay and to have my kids with them for a while too, so I could take the time out and receive the support I really needed. I understand that having someone you know take care of your daughter may not be something that can happen for you and that is super, super hard. It may not be ideal but someone out there will be able to help you with that, especially if you're open and honest with them.

My kids hurt a lot when I went away and it was a really hard time for them, but I came back in a much better state and as a mum who was much more able to manage things. While the short term sucked (lots), in the long run it really helped us all.

Another option for reaching out is to call parentline in your state. They might be able to help you with strategies and ideas for managing things as a parent (like your daughter's separation anxiety and her not wanting to go to school etc.) while you're going through this hard time. I know for me those things are extra hard to deal with when I'm struggling myself and sometimes it helps to have some practical suggestions and ideas.

I very much hope you're able to find support you deserve.

❤

@Hope4me hey thanks - she wasn't my friend - she was a counciler that I met on Friday who accompanied me to my legal appointment from St Patrick's church wat ever it is that help people in need-- she offered me to reach out to her "whenever " I needed & did not respond when I did- then she responded the next day as a counciler & said she had "two hours to spare to speak to me " as I was in distress she replied once - trying to get me to notice the beautiful day - & then said " reach out when & how I need her"- but did not continue to speak to me right then at that point in time as she offered she would & I was asking for her to - as she said she had the next two hours free to talk to me- yet she did not respond again leaving me feeling completely triggered, from childhood abandonment --This is. PROFESSIONAL COUNCELOR -& probably has a higher title but I can't remember it right now-- I think you have completely misunderstood what I have written & that's fine txt comes across difficult to interperet& I can't remember if I put she was a councillor in previous post. But she is working from ST. Patrick's outreach. 😐

Thanks @Hope4me but I do not think I ignored her telling me there was a bright sky outside- I was well aware there was a bright sky outside, but I had sunken far too deep into depression to care it would not have mattered if there where fireworks & UFOs outside I would not have cared - the lady offered to support me& then did not respond to me after saying she had two hours to offer me to help talk me through what I was feeling as a COUNCILER that is completely unacceptable as far as I am concerned -you don't offer support to someone clearly in distress- say you have two hours to give them attention-& then COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM!!! What kind of councillor OR friend does that??& I don't appreciate being told I am PROJECTING onto somebody, when I am clearly EXPRESSING my feelings to somebody who has OFFERED to be a SUPPORT to me in a situation just as I found myself in yesterday!! Is that honestly what you think I was doing? the :police_car_light::police_car_light::police_car_light: red flags I was referring to was -its a bit strange for someone to offer to be a substitute grandmother to my child on our first meeting -without ever meeting the child or even knowing if any of us will even get along & gets me to be hooked on her in regards to thinking about the wonderful relationship she could potentially have with my daughter- as she knows we are completely ALONE -& then abandons me after stating she will be there to support me. Seems narcissistic to me.

@Hope4me I have taken on the rest of what you have said Thankyou & I agree- but Iam upset about the other statements you have made to me. You say you care- but it appears to me you are kicking me whilst I am down- nothing will change the fact my daughter WILL NOT COPE without me - as she has been through a lot at seven years of age - regardless she might have to for me to get better because I have been trying my hardest to get the support I need since early December & it is not happening so I might have to go to hospital - which is something I do not want to do - as my daughter will be traumatised - she LITERALLY has never spent a single night away from me.

Thanks @Former-Member the helplines IV spoken to all weekend have all agreed with me it will be way to traumatic for my daughter & make the situation way worse if I go to hospital. So I am stuck. Thanks

@Hope4me it is not simply a matter of my daughter being a bit scared- her grandmother & father both passed away within two months of each other in 2015- whilst I was being actively abused by the rest of our narcissitic family members- so I have completely isolated us from our toxic family- my child has such severe separation anxiety from effectively loosing her entire family in one fell swoop in 2015- that she constantly worries & talks to me about what will happen to her if I die as she will have NOONE- we have no close support contacts. She will not cope being separated from myself.
The lady's name isn't Pat- she works at St. Pats as a counciler- & I have completely lost trust in her as IV explained she told me to contact her for support as I needed- she said she had two spare hours to offer me support & help me through my feelings- then she sent one reply & told me the sky was beautiful , but did not engage with me about how I was feeling distressed- like she had just told me she would- causing me to break- so I would not trust this lady with my child, my dogs or myself again, after what IV just explained.
You did really upset me- thanks for apologising.

Thankyou @Former-Member

@CheerBear thanks for your kind comments& understanding -it is not a fun spot to find yourself in-I'm happy you got the help you needed- hopefully the psychologist has some ideas that will help us when I go see her tomorrow.