want to not exist

Hi @Serenity1

I'm sorry to read that you are going through a difficult time. It is very upsetting when we feel that we let down our children. Please continue seeking support here and if you need further support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Take Care

SleepyPanda

Hey @Serenity1

What's happening? Please write it out if you can. I'm here for you...

Those intense feelings are so difficult to deal with hun, I'm no stranger to it I can assure you. There were times where living minute by minute was the only way to get through my day. However...I learned that the hard way.

Looking back in hindsight, I should've asked for help and been hospitalised. I wasn't on the right med's due to my GP not being a MH advocate, so trusting her as I did could've ended my world AND my son's!

When you hit the skids like you're feeling now, you really need to seek professional support. If there's no improvement, get a 2nd opinion...please.

If you're worried about leaving your daughter, ask for help from a social worker. The hospital can arrange that along with being assessed by the mental health team.

In my opinion, from what you've written, getting your mind right is first and foremost so looking after your daughter can then be your priority. She needs you ok. That's a given, but you can't be at your best with this situation going on in your head.

Please get to a hospital as soon as you can.

I truly care...

Hope xo

Hi @Serenity1 ,

Sorry to read that you are still struggling with those tough feelings. I saw that @SleepyPanda shared some helplines with you earlier. I wonder if calling one of them to discuss your fears around going to hospital might help? Safety is really important and if you feel like hospital will help you be safe then it might be a good idea. The helplines may have some advice or insight into how you can manage possibly going to hospital and your daughters care?

Sending you an email to check in.

Speaking of red flags @Serenity1 🚩

Being trapped in a cycle of negativity and despair will drive everyone you love away. Take it from me; I can't sugar coat it anymore than this.

Your friend Pat has told you in her own way; she can't cope with it. Bringing your attention to a bright sunny sky was her attempt to take your mind away from negativity. You responded by ignoring it and projecting your pain onto her.

Your damaged and worn out nervous system is giving you signs too; "...waves of guilt and shame". Would this be happening if how you're treating yourself was on point?

Here's my question for you;

If your daughter exhibited the same symptoms you're experiencing, would you tell her to 'suck it up' or would you get her the help she needed asap?

Treating yourself less than your own child deserves will perpetuate further pain and suffering - for both of you. It's the cycle of a damaged brain not a 'will' or 'personality' issue. Without proper psychiatric intervention, you'll be talking like this until you break. Being a mum at the best of times is hard, but doing it with MH symptoms is much, much harder; it doesn't have to be that way.

Knowing what I know, it's my obligation to those I care about to 'tell it like it is'. This doesn't fit in with a lot of people because they feel it's too harsh and uncaring. To me it's the opposite; I wouldn't even bother if I didn't care.

It's ok to be scared of going to hospital, but as they say, feel the fear and do it anyway! Imagine a life without ruminating; without dying fantasies; without mental anguish. You're worth it!!!

You're a wonderful caring person Jojo. Share some of those qualities with yourself and do whatever it takes to 'live' and 'love' with peace of mind.

I really hope you take my words with the sentiments they truly represent...compassion and caring..

Warm and kind thoughts;

Hope xo 🖐👵