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Ours, but theirs

GivingMickSenior Contributor11 Sept 2014, 7:24 am AEST

Ours, but theirs

I am constantly belittled an blamed. That the problem is because of me. I researched this disorder when I heard it in an appropriately titled movie 'the expendables'. She checked the history on the home pc after using google.
When she found it, she kept it to herself. As did I. Then she questioned me. I told her why. Then she flew into a fit of rage. Yelling and screaming at me in front of our children. Telling me it was all my fault. At that time, she hadn't told me what her illness was. I felt misunderstood. Having had to leave several times, she then goes into a state where it's my fault and I have no friends left. I am worried for our children, she treats them as blame now, saying they are a burden to her. Saying she wishes she never had them! But when I ask to have them in my care. She just says you are trying to take them away, and cut my money off from centrelink. I am in a rock and a hard place! I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to see our children hurt. Money problem, is because we were saving for our own home. But she encouraged me to spend it on a newer car. Now we have no savings, and a credit card debt up to the max. And I get the blame!
Should I seek help immediately?

22 replies

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In response to: Ours, but theirs

HobbitSenior Contributor11 Sept 2014, 6:10 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Hi GivingMick,

This sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. It musy be very hard to have all the blame upon yourself, and carry this burden like you do. Yes, I really think you need to talk to someone about this situation. There are many carer organisations that could help you.

Here is a link to Arafmi Australia. They are an organisation that looks after the need of carers and I think they could help you. This is the national office, but they have offices in most states. You can contact them on their website here. I have also incuded here their page that lists other organisations that might be able to help.

Another organisation that could offer you some practical help might be Carers Australi, and you can contact them here.

I hope this information helps and please do keep in touch and let us all know how you are going.

Does anyone else have any ideas that could help GivingMick??

Hobbit.

In response to: Ours, but theirs

NikNikSenior Contributor13 Sept 2014, 7:46 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Hi GivingMick,

Just wanted to check in & see how you're going.

From what I understand of your post, your partner is not well & you are trying to understand what she's experiencing - but she's mistaken your intention.

Adding to that stress is money and also looking after your children.

Is your partner seeking any professional help at the moment?

Welcome to the forums by the way, I hope you find them helpful.

NikNik

In response to: Ours, but theirs

GivingMickSenior Contributor13 Sept 2014, 10:25 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Unfortunately, No, she isn't seeking any help. She isn't taking her medication, and still spreads herself thin, by avoiding the problem.
I have visited recently, and her household is in good order. It's like she is in a state of disassociation. I feel relieved, that she is keeping things together, but still worry slightly with fear she may have an unexpected break down.
She does all the housework now by herself, sells 2 different products via party plan, and drinks alcohol on a regular basis. Should I mention her illness type here? If I say anything about her having any difficulties, in front of any of our friends, she tells me to leave. I can't even give her a cuddle or a kiss. I miss my wife and children, and how we used to be before she stopped taking her meds!

In response to: Ours, but theirs

FatimaSenior Contributor14 Sept 2014, 9:15 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Yes seek help immediately. Your situation sounds awful and you need professional advice on how to handle the family dynamic. Sorry for your children. What age are they? If they are teenagers you should hook them up with Young Carers. Good luck.

In response to: Ours, but theirs

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor14 Sept 2014, 9:27 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Hi GivingMick,
I can hear your pain but would really like to suggest that whilst you may miss your wife, you need to let time pass..
It is certainly not OK to talk about her in front of her friends in any negative manner. She sounds life she is getting her life on track in her own way.
Let's look at the positives:

Earning her own a income
Keeping her home in good order for herself and your kids

I don't know many parents who don't enjoy a wine now and then.

How you might like to support her and your children is keeping your lines of communication open.

And maybe if you join a carers group like this forum, you can talk over with other carers about your fears and concerns..

You must be doing something right because she is letting you visit her at home..try and stay encouraging ..

It helps all of us, nothing improves our performance so much as genuine praise..

Good on you for sharing, be patient with yourself too, you are trying hard to understand, its all any of us can do, keep on trying...

In response to: Ours, but theirs

GivingMickSenior Contributor14 Sept 2014, 9:50 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

6&8 are their ages. Thanks very much to all, for all the helpful advice. After reading this, and understanding that she IS making an effort, I feel extremely relieved. I think I only needed someone to talk to, who understands what I am going through. It seems I was over stating concerns. Even though my wife's problem is real. Thanks again 🙂

In response to: Re: Ours, but theirs

NikNikSenior Contributor16 Sept 2014, 9:08 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

That's what these forums are for 🙂
Keep us updated on how things are travelling.

Take care!

In response to: Re: Ours, but theirs

HobbitSenior Contributor18 Sept 2014, 7:19 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Hi GivingMick,

I'm glad you were able to come onto this forum and connect with people here. It's great that you feel a bit more relieved by talking to us.

Please keep in touch and send a post anytime you feel like chatting.

Hobbit.

In response to: Re: Ours, but theirs

HobbitSenior Contributor25 Sept 2014, 8:00 pm AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

Hi GivingMick,

Just a quick note to see how things are with you guys?

Hobbit.

In response to: Ours, but theirs

GivingMickSenior Contributor26 Sept 2014, 7:09 am AEST

Re: Ours, but theirs

We are now just friends. I am seeing our children at least once a week. To let them know I will always be there for them. Our 6 year old daughter has said to her mum, why don't you love dad like he does you? You should love him back. Now she feels as if she is being pressured to be back together as a family.
We had an argument about medications. Her son, my stepson, has moved back home. He is on pain medication. I made sure to tell him taking too much, without eating, and drinking alcohol, isn't healthy for him.
My wife then complained about me being on medication, my reply I take it as directed.
In retaliation I had to comment about her prescribed medicine, she replied I don't have to take it for the rest of my life! But as far as I know she should until her psychiatrist gives her the all clear. Which she hasn't even considered.

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