Depression, Dissociation, Isolation

Hey everyone,

I’ve introduced myself recently and popped into a few threads. It’s been really nice meeting all of you, and I thought I’d start my own thread to see if it helps.

I’ve struggled with depression for many years now, and my most recent episode has been a tough one. This time last year, I took myself to hospital because I was self-harming and feeling more suicidal than I’d ever been before. I was broke, traumatised, and desperate for someone else to take over because I could not look after myself.

I stayed for a week, lots of support, I was very lucky, but when I got out, I was completely uninterested in engaging with my life. I hardly worked for the last year, stopped talking to a lot of people, mostly spending my time smoking weed and reading about different kinds of spirituality, trying to find something to believe in, some hope to hold onto.

My relationship with my partner began falling apart several months after hospital. They were less worried about me, began to focus on themselves, and were pulling away from me. We had a lot of conflict, tried counselling, but I was beginning to get sick again, and our communication was becoming really strained.

I had a some memories of childhood abuse re-surface, which caused me a lot of anger and dissociation, leading to me experiencing what felt like an emotional split. I began calling myself a different name, and behaving and responding to my friend’s completely out of character for a period of time. My partner and I broke up, and I pushed everyone away, isolating myself even further, for much longer than I intended to. I was feeling abandoned and distrustful, and have found it hard to be vulnerable ever since.

I spent several months isolating myself, not talking to anyone. I completely lost my sense of self, I had no idea who I was anymore after the splitting, and have struggled to identify with anything from my old life, even to feel like I am a person. For awhile, whenever people asked me “how are you?”, I couldn’t think of an answer because I didn’t feel like I existed. It was exhausting.

Coming up to the anniversary of my visit to the psych ward, feeling like my life has only gotten worse since then, my mood plummeted. I lost interest in everything that I loved - music, singing, yoga, food. Nothing brought me joy anymore, and I still find it hard to connect with that emotion. I became suicidal again, but I’ve had no one around to support me this time.

I’ve started on new meds, and have been seeing a counsellor. It’s not enough though, and I’ve been looking for support groups and community events to join in so I can meet some new people. It’s hard to make friends when you don’t feel real, but I’m putting myself out there anyway. Fake it til you make it.

Anyway, this is just a small part of the story, but I hope it’s enough to give you an idea of where I’m at, and I really appreciate anyone who reads this.