Hi again @Serenity1
I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation; it's no fun feeling like that. I truly know as I went through it many times during the early years of recovery.
I'm sorry too that I'm not up to scratch with your diagnosis, history or treatment plan, but maybe you can delve into that along the way if you're up to it ok. I'm not here to counsel btw; I'm here to relay my own experiences so hopefully you can find a few hidden gems to take on board.
I'm not sure if you're aware of what complex ptsd is but it's what I'm diagnosed with due to childhood, and adult experiences that triggered those early memories, the last of which broke my brain and spirit.
When someone thinks they're going to die, (one instance of trauma) brain function takes over as a normal reactive response. (Fight/flight/freeze) Ptsd is usually the post effect for this.
When trauma of this kind continues throughout their young life, it becomes complex because there's no end to it, so their brain and inexperienced little minds employ strategies to survive the unthinkable over and over. It gets kids through the tough bits, but as adults, these coping mechanisms aren't viable options.
Unlearning these strategies and creating new functional ways of living life is normally a long and painful process. Triggers abound as habits from surviving trauma anyway you can are powerful motivators and won't go without a fight from the subconscious mind.
When I was in my late teens I got an infection in my brain. Instead of the doctor getting me to hospital, he left me at home with my overly trusting parents, which turned out to be life threatening. (Incephalitis) For the following two weeks I thought I was literally going to die. In more lucid moments, I responded by asking God many times to let me die anyway as the fever, pain and fear was too much for my body and mind to bare.
Now obviously I survived, but not from help from my doctor because he was utterly negligent. It was 'me' that kept going regardless of how bad it got; something inside me kept saying "It'll be over soon, just hang in there." My current GP told me by right, I should've died without being in constant care of ICU staff. She says it's a miracle.
Depression takes over along with thoughts of wanting to die when I'm faced with a situation that's similar. This happened when I had a breakdown and my doctor gave me anti depressants only and sent me home. I lived alone, was having bouts of psychosis, insomnia, massive panic and was as looney as they come.
What should I have done? Get to the hospital asap! But I didn't; I just got through it the best way I could because I didn't have the capacity to assess or make that decision for myself; just like when I was a girl.
The brain doesn't distinguish between past or present, it lives in the moment. So triggers from unconscious memories can cause the exact response as if death was imminent. You feel like running away, (an urge to die) fighting (getting through it any way you can) or freezing. (dissociating and returning to childlike functioning)
I won't write anymore at this stage Jojo as there's plenty here for you to mull over. (Whew! Sorry..)
Take your time as there's lots here to consider. Remember too these are my experiences and may not have any baring on your situation. It's only to see if there's something that might be an 'ah-ha' moment for you. I really hope so..
Looking forward to talking with you;
Hope xo 
