Can't cope with the guilt trips & responsibility

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @Former-Member @jazzymum33 ,

It's a complex situation with my Mum, if it was just about having a severe medical condition I'm sure I wouldn't feel a lot that I do feel.

My personality probably adds to the complexity. I am just not the sort of person that medicalises and intellectualises her, and attributes 150% of her behaviour to her schizophrenia. She still has an innate temperament and personality. It really irks me when I've tried to talk to other people and 99.9% I get the reply, "that's her schizophrenia". I don't know how Mum puts up with that attitude. The constant dehumanising would drive me mental.

But I've realised that the sort of people that do that with their loved one or spouse, do it because it works for them on many levels. It works for them, because then they can avoid their own emotions and get a free pass out of hurt and sadness.

I just can't patronise my mother like that. The irony is if I chose to remain deluded about her I probably could write it all off and be comfortably numb, and wouldn't probably fair better emotionally.

Through no fault of my own, I think I have inadvertently brought a lot of this upon mysef. A lot of people find meditation after they become unwell. Unfortunately for me I did life backwards. If you do it long enough and persist for enough years you end up wearing your subconscious mind on your t-shirt. That has positives and also negatives. What that means for me in practical, every day terms is that it takes all the pretending away. I just can't pretend and lie to myself, just so I feel better. I feel like it changed a part of my brain that now makes it humanly impossible for me to be avoidant, and to kid myself. Clarity may sound like a wonderful thing to have. But clarity is an awful burden when you are trying to recover from your own breakdown and deal with your own mental illness. A bit of delusion is healthy. It means you can have a journey through realisaiton, instead of being thrown in the deep end against your will.

Anywas amigo's I better dash,

Cheers,

Corny

Hi @Corny

I don't quite understand all you are saying but gather the gist of what you are saying is that our loved ones are more than their diagnosis (Dx) and reducing them to that is unhelpful as is excusing all their behaviours to that Dx.

I agree with you, our loved ones are so much more than their BPii, Sz etc and I certainly try to ensure that I encourage and support Mr Darcy in all areas of life not just his MI and I try and steer well away from the victim mentality.

Being a mental health forum we do tend to focus on that facet of life, for myself I found comfort and support particularly after Mr Darcy attempted. I firmly believe we can live well in spite of a diagnosis.

I have found it helpful to articulate MI in medical terms. I do understand a lot is trauma based and that with appropriate therapy that healing can occur. I guess it is like other injury in that the extent in some way influences outcomes in the same way as a sports injury can be treated with physio alone and some require surgery. Some leave little evidence of problems whilst others result in non painful scarring or permanent deficits with or without ongoing pain.

I think it important that we do tackle our own emotions and learn how to best manage them. I would have found it very difficult to remain loving toward my husband if I had not done this.

Hi Darcy,

I'm not surprised you're confused becuase I don't really know what I mean myself, I feel like with all this stuff my opinions and emotions shift daily and it's like living inside of a washing machine on spin cycle.

I guess also because I have been in psychosis myself it gave me a lot of insight and debunked a lot of assumptions of my own that were there out of ignorance and lack of life experience.

All I know that being at the intersection of where mental illness meets abuse & neglect, is a very confusing and sad place to be. Hence probably why I come across as so intense at times, becuase my experiences have been intense.

Hope you're enjoying a nice hot cuppa somewhere Darcy, maybe even with a puppy by your side.

Corn Dog xx

Yep Corn Dog, a hound at one's side makes life a heap better - have you seen the dog thread?

Will tag you there @Corny

@Corny

Hey @Former-Member ,

No, I haven't seen the dog thread. Virtual pups is as close as I will get. I live in an apartment in Sydney and can't have pets. I would love to have a dog, I miss that. But there's not much I can do about it.

So glad that you have 4 legs and a wet nose to keep you company @Former-Member

Hey @outlander thanks for the beautiful flowers, you're so sweet! Hope you're a sleeper-inerer and can actually sleep in on a Sunday like a normal person, and not be up.

Big hugs, Corny xx

Hi Corny,

I'm new to this (forums) but not new to life with a mentally ill sister. C had her first episode in 1979 and was hospitalised for many long spells in the early years. As the decades have rolled by the illness has evolved into something quite different these days and many of the unpleasant traits of chronic illnesses (of any kind) have crept in. (Victim mentality, self obsession, insatiable need for attention, manipulation, guilt tripping, catastrophising and incessant talking.)

My 85 year old mother and I cop the much of the brunt of C's inability to fill her time or be alone with herself. She can ring up to 6 times a day, updating us on every tiny detail of her life.

My issue is that Mum has big trouble with imposing boundaries on C, which actually makes it harder for everyone else. Mum has the capacity to put up with A LOT and sort of expects me to do the same. Over the last couple of years I've got a bit tougher with C, and "changed the dance" somewhat. This does not go down at all well and leads to lots of abuse if I push back in any way. Tonight my husband has cracked up about how spoilt C is and how much we let her get away with. I want to start to expect more from her and be more honest about how much she is affecting everyone, but it's hard to know what she can help and what she can't help.

I'm trying to be brief because I'm sure you've got enough on your own plate. I totally identified with your frustration at being guilt tripped and manipulated at every turn. I'm struggling to be positive and kind when I have "compassion fatigue". Maybe I just need to harden up and tell it like it is.

Jensax

Thanks @LittleSister (Hey to @outlander @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @jazzymum33)

Sorry to hear of your struggles. All carers stuff up, or engage in behaviours that don't always help, probably because we're tired, overwhelmed and sick of feeling so powerless. We're human too, and it's not easy to get the approach right, it's easy to fall into being an enabler, or creating a situation of learnt helplessness that once set in, is an extremely difficult dynamic to turn around.

Sometimes the people we care for don't even exhibit any gratitude. You gotta take a time out when that happens, get outta the house, otherwise you will just spray them with some angry words you will regret because you're fed up and overwhelmed.

It's very important for the human psyche to feel useful. And often with mental illness we feel utterly powerless and totally incompetent. Having your own, can equip you with a lot of empathy and patience, but in the end it can't get inside them and make them less dependent on the care of people with better health. This wares us down, and makes them more depressed. Because in the end, they do want their own life, and feel crap about their losses. It's a heartbreaking situation.

It also doesn't address your own needs. A lot of your own needs can go unmet and that's when resentment kicks in. We've all met people in life where they have let resentment build and build for too long and it hardens into bitterness. Unfortunately you have to give some tough love sometimes or walk away entirely, even if it's just for a month or two, maybe uses respite care if its available, to preserve the relationship that you do have.

I know there's a lot of terrible shrinks out there, I've heard horror stories about ones that sit in offices calling themselves international experts and Professors, hanging onto University appointments to line their own pockets just that little bit more, and not letting some fresh young blood rise up through the ranks to help on the ground. But for the good ones actually working with patients, I really admire their courage and determined spirit. It can't be easy being a psychiatrist who is a clinician on the ground, and feeling so helpless all the time, and having patients choose the final path. It must be gut wrenching to live with that. I hope that your Sis has a good one. Even if she goes on the waiting list for a year or two it's worth it, and if you live in a city with more choice, as draining as it is, maybe changing it could be good in the long term. Cos lets face it, a cure feels like a pipedream.

But for you at home the reality is that sometimes mental illness can feel contagious. Even if not forever, for a while, the energy of the whole house can sink to the floor. Looking back we were all depressed in the high school years. Our father was especially unwell at this time. Mum was desperately unwell in the primary school years.

I must come across as such an A hole on here. I do love my Mum, and my heart breaks thinking about her getting her brain zapped in the 60s in the hospital and her aunt and uncle before her being institutionalised, and dying there. I do have a lot of compassion for her.

It's my mother the co-dependent, bow to the patriarchy wife, I struggle with, and when this clashes with the caring role, and what happened to me, sparks fly, tempers roar and I feel resentful, hurt and so desperately sad all at once.

It's a complex relationship because there are so many conflicting emotions.

I hope that you can get out and go for a lovely stroll in the rain somewhere with your Paddington Bear boots on.

Corn Dog

I care for my dad, he’s doing the exact same things. People say ‘it’s not him it’s the disease’ but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m the same, I watch my siblings travel & experience life...yet here I am, youngest child, caring for our ailing father. ur not alone ❤️

Hi @VeeM and welcome to the forums 👋

@Corny @LittleSister there was a Topic Tuesday info sesh on the forums tonight to do with compassion fatigue and carer’s burnout. I will tag y’all to it so you can take s look if you like. @outlander @Former-Member , I know you are both aware of it anyway ....