Long time reader first time poster (TW: self-harm content) *edited

**Sorry, I've re-posted this as was too descriptive re SH. Thank you admin for letting me know, have edited.**

Hello. I've been reading the forums for a while now, but haven't posted because, well, I'm not sure what to say. I'm in my mid 30s and have been diagnosed variably with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Bi-polar and Schizophrenia. I've been medicated twice, but not for a long time — I don't like being on meds, I'm a creative person and they just make me feel numb. I've been fighting against having to go on meds for a long time.

I've been self-harming since I was about 10 years old. There have been long periods of time when I didn't, the longest was 6 years or so, but over the last 3 years I've gotten much worse, I feel like I'm losing a grip on reality and my thoughts are getting muddled and very paranoid.

The thing is, outwardly, things are great. I have a job I love, a partner who is very patient and tries to help, good friends, and by all accounts, not really anything to stress about. I suppose that's the most frightening thing. I thought having these things would make me well, and now I have them and I am more unwell than ever.

Anyway, I'm posting today because I've hurt myself, and I am really upset at myself for it. Usually I do it in spots that aren't seen by people, generally, but this time it's in a really visible spot, and it is not an easy wound to explain and it's just so frustrating, because I am covered in these ridiculous scars and it's getting to a point where I can't rationalise it, or explain it, and I feel like I'm painting myself into a corner, like I - or that other me, who is sabotaging everything - wants to solve the problem (me) permanently. I'm a high-functioning professional, I rarely take sick days and have never been unemployed. I am not feeling like I can get up in the morning and go to work.

It's getting too difficult to be a functioning member of society, basically. I don't really know what to do. My partner is worried about me, but I can't really talk to him about it, and he doesn't understand when I try (not his fault, he's never experienced mental illness) and I stopped seeing my psych because I was sick of going in and saying the same crap and getting the same response (that it might be time to reconsider medication). I won't go on medication.

I've been listening to lots of podcasts and reading lots of stuff on the web to try and help myself, and I thought I was doing okay today, but then I tore the hell out of the not-even-healed wound I made on Saturday and it all spirals around again.

I understand why I'm doing it, I understand the things I should try to stop from doing it, I understand all the logic and great advice, but it doesn't work. Yesterday I had a panic attack at work and thought maybe I needed to go to the hospital or something, but I don't know what happens when you go to the hospital and ask them to stop you from stepping in front of a train, and I didn't think I could tell them that anyway (I have trouble speaking sometimes. I open my mouth but nothing comes out).

Anyway, I guess I wanted to know if hospital is a good idea if I'm having a breakdown and think I'm a danger to myself. I remember going to St Vincents in Melbourne years ago, to the emergency department, and they sedated me and it helped, but I don't know if that is still an option or if they would laugh at me — I mean, there are people with bigger problems than mine, who need help more than me, and what's a little self-inflicted wound here or there anyway? I'd feel like a right d!ckhead going in and saying, "Hi, I hurt myself and need someone to stop me from doing it again."

Sorry, I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure what my actual point is. I guess, hi. I just wanted to say something.