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Shut down

Unknown userMember26 Jan 2019, 9:53 pm AEDT

Shut down

Hello all,

I wonder if others feel like this sometimes.

im having a hard time reconnecting with my care team after the silly season and a suicide attempt about two months ago. I feel something is broken and I can’t put my hand on it and there’s long gaps between seeing my professional support and I know ‘there’s only so much they can do’. I know if I get too unwell I should go to a clinic for 24/7 support.

i am getting flooded with flashbacks, memories... and I seriously struggle with changes, like my feelings and worries towards my professional support.

Ive never had support when the trauma happened, not as a child, not as a teenager, not as a young woman. But I somehow coped and got on with life. I stayed alive. I’ve never let go of my old, unhelpful they call them, coping strategies. Well they work and I’ve started using them more and more lately and I feel like just shutting down and getting on ‘with life’ surely if I survived when I was young I can do it on my own now?

i am absolutely petrified to lose my professional support, I am petrified to tell them how I feel...

thanks

6 replies

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In response to: Shut down

Unknown userMember27 Jan 2019, 8:46 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

I’m pretty stuck and fucked Upton my head. I’ve got this massive internal fight for independence and pushing every single one out of my life.

In response to: Re: Shut down

CheerBearSenior Contributor27 Jan 2019, 10:13 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

Hi @Former-Member. Stuck and feeling messed up is hard. I find changes in my support system (whether they be internal shifts or external changes) and gaps in support hard at times too.

So far all of us here have survived everything that life has thrown at us and I think that's pretty impressive. Just because we survived this far, doesn't mean that we don't need or deserve support or that we should go through it on our own. I get the temptation to shut people out at times though.

I know I can feel pretty scared about telling people how I feel and I know the reasons for that for me. Curious to know what that fear is for you though, if you'd like to share and if you think it might be helpful to.

Internal battles can be exhausting. I hope there is some peace and calm for you from it soon.

In response to: Re: Shut down

Unknown userMember27 Jan 2019, 10:21 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

Thank you @CheerBear

yes so far we have all survived, your correct.

my experience is that I won’t be heard, believed, that people have too much on their own plate, that I am not struggling enough to deserve attention, that in the greater scheme of things I’m doing well, that my pain is too much for other people... that in the end I will always have to fight my own battles, my own demons.

Move tried so long to open doors for letting people in, I’m over it.

In response to: Re: Shut down

CheerBearSenior Contributor27 Jan 2019, 11:08 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

You're not alone with those fears @Former-Member. I've felt most of those (probably all) at times and find they are big barriers to seeking support and talking about things. I think there would be many of us who can relate to them.

Have you spoken with your support people about these fears?

Wish there was more to say than hearing you and you're not on your own with feeling like this.

In response to: Shut down

BryanaCampSenior Contributor27 Jan 2019, 11:50 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

hi @Former-Member. when is your next appointment with your counsellor? I would just go to it and see what happens rather than worrying about it.

The worst that can happen is that they won't work with you becuase it is not a good match. I have had that happen several times with psychotherapists, it's as much about them & their issues as it is about you. They should be able to recommend a new councellor to you if they are going to discontinue.

But I don't see why your councellor would discontinue with you, you sound pretty engaged in the counselling process & are just having the normal fears about counselling. Maybe you need some medication to help with your anxiety, are you on any medicaiton to help you to engage in counselling?

In response to: Re: Shut down

Unknown userMember02 Feb 2019, 6:37 am AEDT

Re: Shut down

Hello @CheerBear @BryanaCamp

I hope you are both doing ok. I'm not glad that you experience similar issues, but I'm glad not to be alone. I feel alone so much and that I cannot trust and people will abandon me, dismiss me, discard me. I've talked to my therapist and psychiatrist about this, but I regularly fall into the same trap. I used to physically push away people when I was upset or angry, now people know not to get close. I'm good at communicating and expressing myself in all other areas of my life, but when it comes to my mental health I often come to the point (with my care team) that I don't know what to do anymore and I stay silent with everyone else, because I can't understand my own feelings, know that my feelings are irrational or am terribly ashamed.

I've got meds to help me with therapy and daily life, but have been told that therapy will still be a tough fight for me and we're taking it slowly and stop and start, to try and stay in my window of tolerance. I think they are better able to manage my window of tolerance than I am.

@BryanaCampI've been through the trial and error of finding 'the right fit' a few times, but have been with my current care team for a few years.

I've been in a pretty bad place since my last post. I often can't cope with the intensity of my feelings, especially when I recognise that they are feelings from the past, like losing my dad, and are now projected to another person. That is the worst as I fear so much in losing the person and being left, my dad died young and unexpected, and I feel like that and it is just horrible, I can't explain it any better than this.

I hope you're both ok. Take care.

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