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MoonGalSenior Contributor
Love is hard. It is demanding, it requires an act of the will (renewed minute by hour by day), it is what makes us worry about those we love. Love is where we meet the hard parts of ourselves and others, and with love push through to meet their needs (which sometimes may be at odds with their wants). It is hard being the adult daughter of an ageing Mum who is losing capacity to think and care for herself. But done with love.
In response to: Love is hard
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Beautifully expressed @MoonGal Good luck with your mum.
Last weekend I wandered around town to a film festival after singing with my old "girlfriend" who is starting to dement. It was diificult oscillating between her forgetting and gently guiding her hand and reminding her to get her myki card out and then she would switch on and know exactly where she was etc.
My mum, on the other hand was very clear in retaining her marbles and a reasonable standard of care in her nursing home, but she also had immense dignty as she "palliated". My mum and dad lost their marbles when we were little, so I had to keep alert and jump to the rescue stopping littlies from running on the street, feeding etc. My whole being trained and attuned to what she wanted. After she found them again she was never going to lose them again ... no matter what.
Generally I feel better among the walking wounded. Visiting mum's nursing home made me feel safe, everyone was cam and respectful of space and not getting aggressively in my face, so not putting my neck out. It was weird but it was a relief when I first walked in. It is also confronting but as I had spent a few years doing music concerts in old people's homes I had a fait bit of preparation.
There is a field emerging called "thanatology" that I found trawling the net. It helped me put my mother's death in perspective in a gentle way.
In response to: Re: Love is hard
MoonGalSenior Contributor
Some interesting conversations have ensued with my Mum as she settles back in home after a weeks hospital stay. She has lost her driver's licence and has collapsed inside at this loss of indepedence, we have had so many small conversations about what that means now, and more though sometimes tough (but loving) talk from me that if she just sits down and laments about it she will not be helping herself to stay at home, if she just lets go and falls in a heap there really will be no choice for her to stay at home (said with all love and care).
Today at the doctors surgery sitting side by side (which I have found sometimes it is easier to talk side by side instead of face to face) we talked about acceptance, it was interesting, I said "I have had to accept a number of very hard things, it isn't easy, but it helps". She looked at me 'What have you had to accept?" I said... "Mental illness, back injury, chronic pain, no longer working, not having had kids" She looked at me and said "that is a lot for one person to accept. "Yes, Mum and it wasn't easy, but acceptance is not teeth gritting"' I MUST accept this" it is " I will to accept this with grace". She looked at me long and hard (you could see her cogs turning) and said "I see, acceptance is not resentment, acceptance is an attitude that allows that bad things happen even if you don't like them, it is having gratitude for what we still have". Which isn't bad for late 80's who yesterday looked and sounded like a woman on the edge of existence.
We had a nice lunch and I left her in better spirits than I have seen for a long time. Which was a huge relief, I came home had a cuppa, read a bit, hung out some washing, heated a wheatie bag and went to bed and read for 15 minutes then blissfully fell asleep for an hour, I relaxed properly for the first time since the phone call saying Mum had had an accident and was headed to emergency at hospital last Tuesday. I have been "ON" every day for 12 hours a day and been triggered over and over, but got through.
In response to: Re: Love is hard
MoonGalSenior Contributor
(From The Friday Feast just to keep the thread going)
Had a meltdown this morning, have been putting in 12 hour days with my Mum, first in hospital and then at home. Just self imploded with worry and all the myriad details I am trying to keep juggling in the air to help her. She called (I was int he driveway in the car just ready to drive to her place) and said don't come today I'm fine and I felt SO relieved, then SO guilty that I felt relieved. Anyways held it together while on the phone with her, then just sat in the car with my dog and cried and cried. Came inside took a pill, watched tv then put myself to bed for a few hours. I'm exhausted on one level but just need to keep it all together for her, I have suddenly become a carer and the responsible person. OMG. Anyways that is life and I will endure. Love my Mum.
In response to: Re: Love is hard
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Glad you had a connected moment of clarity with your mum .. in spite of the crisis. Glad you got a rest.
Sitting side by side and talking can be less confrontational and allows gentle physical contact. I prefer that style with my son. It also is a being with .. more than talking to ..
Your image of acceptance with gritted teeth ... is me .. big time .. thanks your post helped me with things I need to accept.
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
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