exposure to my loved one is tearing me apart.

I've been in an unbalanced relationship for 3 years. I did not know who to reach out to because every time I tried to talk to anyone about my situation was turned around and used against me by my partner. I met him in a 12 step group for people affected by a loved one's addiction. In three years I've observed frightening thought patterns, behaviors, and even gotten tangled in some physical violence with this person. It is very difficult because there are moments when he is the most peaceful, funny, gental and loving human being I've ever encountered and other times he is callous, delusional, paranoid, angry and very offensive. I've become so tired and so affected that I can see parts of my own peace and sanity slipping away. Whenever there is an issue that needs to be address he avoids it by intellecualization, projection, blame and tangent-like digressions of thought. My best chance to survive this is by physically moving away from him most likely, but I am afraid of the damages I have recieved emotionally, psychologically and behaviorially from being exposed to him for so long and also not being aware of what was happening. I loved and trusted him so much that even though I argued, I eventually caved whenever he'd turn things around on me and make me believe that it was me with all the issues.

He is involved in a long and seeminglly neverending series of court proceedings involving children, divorce, fraud, custody battle, and alleged charges. In every piece of information I hear from him, his is the victim in every single situation he is in. Even with me. I do also understand that his ex-wife (the alcoholic) also suffers from severe issues as well. I'm not sure if there individual issues worsened with one another, or exposure to one another caused trauma in the other, or that his wife is actually the sane one, or even that two severely affected individual came together and their illnesses snowballed together. I just know what I observe in him as my partner now, and the possibility of the present day effects from exposure to extreme trauma.

I've read through his psycholical file from 2011-2014 of court ordered psychological services including: therapy, victim of domestic violence program, batterers program (which the letters say he did not complete) anger management, and psych evals. Not one of his evaluations was able to diagnose him with anything in particular. It seems he presents as distressed, anxious but otherwise normal but all the doctors or counselors he's been exposed to have yet to find an accurate diagnosis for him. Yet he continues to be ordered to more therapy and evaluations even I, as his partner have noticed things that make me beleive something is definitely not right.

His perceptions can be very far from reality based at times, and paranoid. He gets into these modes where it is impossible to get anything through to him. That's when he goes into flipping thing around on the other person and blaming and projection and tangents that have nothing to do with the actual issue at hand.

I don't know what to do anymore but the simplest of requests are met with hurtful or flat out ignoring of my communication of discomfort. I've gotten validation from 12-step program members, I myself have not been diagnosed with anything although when I was younger my parents insisted there was something wrong with me and brought me to multiple doctors (psychiatrists, pyschologists) that said I was bright and intellegent and kind and did not give me any perscriptions or diagnosis of anything. I also know that these problems only occur in this relationship with my partner. My other relationships are healthy and normal.

I am tired, depressed, exhausted, and am becoming hopeless. It is as if the happiness has been drained from me because my own ability to discern reality from allegations from a very ill, manipulative loved one has caused my own truth and sense of good judgement to be clouded. I feel confused and insecure and broken down by this exposure. The lost of hope or caring about anything has weighed me down. I stopped caring about most things because whenever I care about anything it seems to be used against me. I am starting to believe his ill thinking and perception is contagious. The world I was so sure of taking on each day has been turned upside down on it's head for me ever since this person walked into my life.