Narcissistic Family Abuse & CPTSD

Good morning and a big welcome @Serenity1 🖐😊

Reading your post was like looking back on my own life. I'm here to let you know there's hope ok..:ok_hand:

And; you do have skills, you just haven't identified them yet as your world is in such a painful emotional state. The main one is that you're an inspirational survivor! And, you're obviously intelligent. This will also help you along your path of recovery.

When my life hit the skids 25 yrs ago I had a young child who depended on me too. His existence kept me alive. Being needed and loved is a gift, not a burden...

It's hard work getting better, that's a given considering it took most of your life to get where you are today. Your brain, like other physical organs can be, is very sick from cptsd which alters the brain's development and function.

Understanding you have a physical illness helps to alleviate that horrid self blame you carry around. I know it well my dear co-sufferer.

Empathy begins early in childhood; looking deep into your abusers to anticipate what's coming next. It's not so much the 'event' as much as it is 'waiting' for something to happen, yeah? That's what makes it 'complex'; the waiting and fear. This eventually becomes habitual and a normal response to people. It doesn't have to be that way...

Finding recovery will be a journey of self discovery, many instances of self doubt, wonderous 'moments' of peace and finally, calm. I know, sounds like an unattainable dream, but you can do it. I have.

You've been programmed to think, behave and speak in accordance with other people's dysfunction and expectations. Recovery means creating a new you; one who makes her own rules and guidelines. Undoing all that damage and then writing your new script so to speak, will all be worth it in the end.

I have total faith in you Jojo;

I usually log in a few times a day, so hopefully we can catch up regularly. I'm here for you ok.

Take care; tomorrow's another day and full of wonder and hope.

Kind thoughts;

Hope xo

You're welcome @Serenity1. Take your time hun...:ok_hand: It's a marathon, not a race. And thankyou for the wonderful feedback! It's nice to be acknowedged..

Hope x

@Hope4me hello- I haven't had a chance to reply to your AWSOME advice given the other day- & I'm so sorry about that I have had a rental inspection, dealing with tradies who don't do their job properly & then my father who IV been no contact with was seriously ill& my adult son who I am no contact with txt me to tell me- so I had to organise an ambulance for him- but I didn't know his address & it has stirred up a whole lot of shit for myself & my daughter who witnessed the whole thing-& I am just a mess-

in regards to what you said, you really know what you are talking about- I could relate to everything you said & you explained it to me in a way I hadn't thought of or was unaware of-thankyou so much for that- I liked everything you said- the explanation of empathy make so much sense-& all of it -are you a counsellor? Because you should be! -- I still don't think I will ever be fully recovered but at least I know others-yourself has so that gives me hope -

i definantly do not think my daughter is a burden at all -she is the most amazing thing in my life- I am greatful for her every second of the day- I feel I am a burden to her because I can't get her to the things she needs such as a tutor or swimming lessons because my agoraphobia prevents me & I have isolated myself so much I have no support in place to take her for me & my family are no contact because they are abusive- so I KNOW she is missing out on what she needs because of me & I don't know what to do about it & feel so guilty. Thanks again for your help- I think I will be re-reading that a lot--

ll Can you tell me a bit about your experience? If you feel comfortable to do so? 💖💖💖

Hi again @Serenity1 🖐😊

A great response I must say. I so understand about 'life' happening while you're trying to deal with a damaged mind. I chose to stay in a psych ward (on request) due to being overwhelmed with 'life'. I didn't realise until a crisis mental health worker who I'd called, pointed it out to me. Best rest and decision I ever made!

Your son? Wow. Not good is it? I'm sorry your daughter had to witness things too. The guilt can be crippling. I cringe when I think of what my child went through with me. He tends to pick girlfriends who share my old struggles. (Familial patterns passed down) He doesn't blame me now due to our talks, but he used to.

I'm glad you got something out of my post. I do counsel but in a specialised field, unrelated. I have qual's, but they fade in comparison with lived experience. I've healed so much of my life, I'm a different person.

Personally? Nearly died at birth, passed around from family to family till I was 4, a chaotic childhood with sexually/emotionally/mentally abusive and violent alcoholic dad, mostly absent volitile narcistic mum, loving live-in nan who passed in my mid teens, (absolutely traumatic) nearly died at 19 due to negligent dr, confused gender identify/sexuality and the eldest with 3 siblings who I worried about constantly. Raped in adulthood 4 times, last time I was 56. Bullied at work for 7 yrs which broke my spirit and brain. Add to that many failed relationships to top it off...

Wow! I fit it all in one paragraph. There's something else, but I don't like talking about it.

My best asset? Excellent survival skills; namely, ability to cope (somehow) during periods of not knowing if I'll live or die.

What you can learn from my life? Patterns. Not so much about others, but about my cycles of behaviour, responses and approaches to people which caused lots of drama and heartache, and not knowing how to protect myself. I'm still learning how to do that.

Whew! I'm spent! I hope this is enough to give you an idea of what I've gone through even though it's summarised.

It was nice of you to acknowledge me as you have. It all counts towards self confidence and worth. Thankyou...

Looking forward to hearing from you...sorry for the long post.

Hope xo

@Hope4me

oh you are a counsellor ! That is great- u are defo in the right line of work- & if u ever decide to council familial narcissitic abuse survivors - please let me know, as I would love to have ur help!

Im so sorry you went through all of those horrible experiences - that is just unimaginable & so unfair😪 Thankyou for sharing your experiences with me- I know that must have been extremely difficult ..

nice to hear your experience of staying in a psych ward was so positive & rewarding!! I aren't able to stay in hospital because I have no one to care for my daughter & I am definitely resonating with feeling overwhelmed with every aspect of life! That is something that does not seem to go away for me as I know I have not been taught any life skills, I was infantilised , & feel like my brain is stuck in the trauma place of origin when I was a child. If that makes sense. I feel I stopped developing properly & every interaction with humans is traumatic for me & so confusing.. I hope one day to have come so far along in my recovery as yourself. You are very inspiring to me!

💖💖💖

Hi @Serenity1

I don't often talk about my past; it was a bit draining so I took a break from here yesterday. I really appreciate your warm thoughts too so thankyou, truly.

I understand about you not learning progressive life skills in childhood. It's called 'Arrested Development' which is usually identified in babies/toddlers and so affects future development throughout life.

Until the age of 5, children need to learn about their place in the world, are important, it's ok to feel anger/emotions and that they 'exist'. These were a huge lacking in me, some of which were only dealt with in my 50's; an 'awakening' of massive proportions.

Being aware of others more than yourself creates a loss of oneself. Being in a room of people for instance might feel isolating and overwhelming due to the need to focus on too many 'what-if's', so fading into the furniture (dissociation) or competing for attention can be normal and even necessary responses.

Jojo, don't forget that each of your deficits from childhood, you created to protect your mind within that environment, so go easy on yourself ok. It had to be that way for you to survive. Those habitual behaviours and responses got you to where you are today. Without them you may have been locked up in a psych ward for the rest of your life; or worse.

Accepting you are a survivor and not a 'victim' is essential for recovery. You've done your best despite your childhood and that's amazing! You go girrrrl!

Hope you have a great day! 😘

xo 👵

Hi! @Hope4me thanks for your response- sorry it's taken so long to reply these school holidays & having no time to myself is making it difficult-

everything you have said is so insightful & makes sooooooo much sense to me! I am really enjoying your input as it is giving me a lot of clarity & helping me to not feel so abnormal, crazy , weird & alone- thankyou so much for taking the time to write to me I really appreciate it & am getting so much out of your words-

how are you going?- I completely understand being drained by talking about your personal experience- so thankyou again for sharing with me 💖😊💖

Awe...thanks @Serenity1 🖐

Such nice words of acknowledgement and especially since you're being helped in some way by me; that's important. How sensitive you are...

I was just re-reading your posts and saw how you're paining over not being able to give your daughter all the things she'd like. The most important things in life aren't things; they're sentiments like respect, love, listening, acknowledgement and validation. Your smile, a pat on the back and admiration would go a long way to making her feel worthy and valuable Jojo. So would firm but fair parenting; you know?

Over-compensating is something I know all about from my early years as a mum. He needed someone to be there for him when it counted, that meant discipline as well. I wasn't very good at it back then. Guilt for not having a dad for him tore me apart. His tears would put me on bended knees and back flipping on decisions that would've been better for his future. Homework was a biggie. Ah well, live and learn they say.

So just remember; she'll reap the rewards of your love and labour later on in her life and thank you for pushing her a little, eventually. Maybe not in the way you want straight away; teen emotions and rebelliousness can be heartbreaking on the soul, but it gets better...believe me.

I'm doing ok. Lots of good stuff happening, so some old demons are rising to thwart my efforts, same ole, same ole. It's not that they exist, it's how I cope that counts. Like you say; I'll probably be dealing with cptsd till I'm gone too. One day at a time my lovely...the good days make up for the hard ones.

Take care hun;

Hope xo