AprilBlueCasual Contributor
Repressed memories
Hi all
What I'm about to write are some of the ugly thoughts that I have been having that I can't admit to anywhere else because I don't want to be seen as being selfish but I need to get it out somewhere - sorry in advance that I'm going to sound like a terrible person.
First time in here, so a bit of background; my husband of 10 years has always struggled with depression and anxiety and we've managed well for the most part. There were some struggle times but we've managed to get through it together. He takes medication and has an excellent psychologist. In the last two years he experienced the surfacing of a traumatic repressed memory from childhood where he recalled being molested in a park by an older boy. Seeing him go through this was awful, and it changed a great deal in our marriage, but we continued to work through it.
In the last several weeks however, it's like his mind has cracked open and all of the memories he had buried as a child have come out. Every day I've been blind-sided by another memory that he has shared and each one seems far worse than the last. The memories that are coming out are truly horrific and I can't go into them as there is a very real chance that law will get involved and I feel physically ill at some of the things I have been told. I am trying my hardest to be supportive, but I know that I'm not doing a good job, mostly because every conversation has become about this and I'm fearful of what I'm going to hear next. It's very hard to convey what I'm feeling without revealing all of the detail but it has completely changed the way I view my him. Knowing all of this now, he feels like a stranger to me. I know this sounds awful and I feel like the worst person for even admitting it as none of it is his fault, but some of the detail is so profoundly traumatic and awful that it almost sounds made up. I think that is my way of trying to convince myself that something so terrible could not have happened.
I don't know how to get through this, I feel like I'm losing my mind and am crying as I type this, which admittedly is better than the complete emotional numbness I have been experiencing lately. I can't admit any of this to him as it would break his heart at a time when he is at his most fragile.
I'm angry at his parents for being oblivious to what was going on, I'm angry that his older brother didn't protect him, I'm angry that this has affected his whole life, and I'm angry that it has had this effect on our relationship. But more than that, I'm afraid that this will break us as I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I will ever see him the same way again, I feel like I'm grieving for the person I thought I knew completely. I just don't know what to do..
