Hi, new here with dysthymia

Hi, I'm BeeGee and I thought I'd introduce myself and say hello.

I'm a 49 year old guy, and I've returned to study for a life change after a career in IT. I "discovered" in 2014 that I suffer from dysthymia. I say "discovered", because looking back I think I've actually been depressed since around age 14-15 - I remember feeling like I wanted not to be alive any more at that age, just felt so down and worthless all the time. Over the years I've learnt to live with my feelings, but most of the time life consists of going through the motions. Happiness and joy are things other people have; I just get to persevere. I struggle to find pleasure in anything very much, and most of the time have to pretend to be enjoying things so as to not be a wet blanket to my family and others. I've become very good at wearing masks to fit in with those around me, since showing the real me would be just a complete downer and turn-off, so most people would have no idea I suffer from depression.

I've tried many different meds and supplements over the last couple of years or so without success. AD #1 made me too dissociated to be able to study; #2 had no effect at all, even after doubling the dose, and #3 worked well in the sense of stabilising my mood - but it was like being in a straitjacket. I couldn't feel anything at all, good bad or indifferent. It was like being a robot. #4 was like taking jellybeans, and #5 just made me irritable. I'm currently unmedicated (although trialling amino acids acetyl l-carnitine and n-acetyl l-tyrosine), and am starting to see a psychiatrist to investigate options my GP can't access.

I had a few sessions with a psychologist who helped me achieve some good insights into my past and my current condition, but found him to be quite short on things that help - plus he talked so much I could never get to say all the things I wanted to cover in a session! I've done the "Wellbeing" online course at Mindspot and found it somewhat helpful for addressing automatic negative thoughts. I am working through the book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris and finding that it has some really helpful ideas. But at the end of the day I don't feel like I have moved significantly from when I was diagnosed... textbook treatment-resistant depression.

I've been active on the BlueBoard forum for a while but alas, it is closing down so I'm looking for a new home of similarly broken people. I think it's worth having a place to chat with fellow sufferers so as not to overburden family and friends.

So - g'day! I look forward to chatting with you.