Well this couldn’t be less fun....

Hi there @Audrey no doubt even when we care and love someone with depression, we are still humans ourself, and the manifesting of human emotions when backed against a wall will no doubt emerge. Well done on opening up here and thank you so much for sharing your story.

In terms of support for yourself, what sort of services have you got access to at the moment? Do you have a face to face therapist you see yourself? Keen to hear how you're feeling now

Hello @Former-Member thank you so much for your response. It’s helpful just to know someone heard me. I don’t necesssrily have greAt support at the moment. The therapist I was seeing wasn’t working out, and I haven’t found one since. My partners parents exacerbate the situation, and my family and friends love me so much they can’t be impartial or just listen without judgement. I know I need to start seeing someone again, if just seems exhausting to go through it all again!

Also @Former-Member in terms of how im

Feeling right now I think lost, overwhelmed, angry and hurt. I’m lost because im

personally at a cross roads that im

trying navigate (took a redundancy to find something amazing but just not sure what that amazing is). Overwhelmed because it’s just me being his support network, and occasionally his dr, but according to him I’m the absolute worst most selfish person there is. Angry because im trying really hard and it’s just never enough, and hurt because he can just be mean with his criticism, and it feels like he believes im the worst thing that ever happened and the cause of everything (when he’s having a complete meltdown).

Oh your life sounds so much like mine! My husband has heart issues as well as other issues, plus I have my son living with us who is also the butt of his rantings quite often also. Every time he rants, it’s all my fault. My son and I are the cause of his stress, depression, heart condition, finiancial issues..everything! I have lost all self esteem. I am at the stage of thinking of leaving, for my own health. I still love him and I know he needs my help, but what about me? What about my son? What is he learning from this? That just because someone is sick, they can treat you like sh**? But I don’t want to abandon him? I’m so confused

I empathise with everything you are saying. This is exactly how I feel. I know that he has this illness and that its the same as something physical - but I too am loosing my self confidence. I also feel like a terrible person because Its almost like I have run out of emathy for him - now anytime he has a bad day, or doesnt feel well - I just want to shake him and tell him to take some responsibility and get his sh*t together, which I know is completely unhelpful and not at all what I would do. I also just feel guilty - I love having friends, a social life and doing things - and for him thats just too hard. Plus there are the REALLY bad days when he talks about ending it, and how all he has is me and Im pretty crap - and why should he even bother, plus I stop him from achieving his goals and dreams, caused his physical health issues etc, so if I did decide to end it and then something awful happened, well how the heck am I supposed to live with that! Its all so confusing...

Hi @CarerJo @Audrey

Getting supports in place and looking after our own health and well-being makes a huge difference and fosters resilience. Setting and enforcing boundaries (relationship rules that protect our hearts) can seem daunting but is sometimes necessary.

Grief, anger, resentment are emotions a lot of us carers feel; it is part of our lot. Owning these emotions are the first step in being able to deal with them.

https://www.caring.com/articles/7-deadly-emotions-of-caregiving

I will tag you in some threads you may find helpful.

Thank you @Former-Member - yesterday I was pretty much at the end of what ever I had in my tank - and today i guess it isnt much better, but Im somewhat more in control of my own emotions so thats good. What i would find super useful if there is anyhing - is hints and tips on how to work through an "episode" essentially right now we can not have any kind of a conversation without it completely disentegrating into a disaster - my partner is just so angry (which is his response for any negative emotion - ie grief, sadness, frustration dissappoint etc all look like anger. Added to this is his believe that he is compeltely objective - hes an INTJ on the myers briggs scale (and has used this to help him understand the way he relates to the world - helpful) but it has also meant that he doesnt perceive himself to come at discussions from a place of feelings - so sees mine as ridiculous - and also thinks that he is completely objective with no internal biasis. There is no circumstance where I could possibly be right in his mind, because he is smarter than i am IQ not EQ). So then, when things become tense - they go off the rails almost immediatly - and I am at a complete loss on how best ot manage the situation. If I leave him alone I lack empathy, if I try to get him to open up im nto respecting his space and need to alone time, if I try to leave the house its unfair to him because hes stuck here etc etc. As pertty much the only person he has regular contact with, I am also the cause of everything - and he perceives I have an inabilty to grow and develop and I have a fixed mindset (all things he sees as bad). Finally - i have tried to broach the subject of a relationship counsellor but he will not entertain this - he believes he has all the answers on the problems - which he has given me and i have failed to fix (because they are my problems). Finally - he constantly sends me information on the needs of an INTJ and because of the MI expects me to do all of them, whilst having very little care for my needs, the first article you sent lables it as resentment and to be honest, that is exactly how I feel, exceptionally resentful. thanks for listening.

@Audrey I am afraid that I am not up to all the personality types but putting the responsibility for ones own happiness onto others as well as selfishness and not seeing past oneself seems to be a common trait of depression and MI. Yes, it stinks that we need to be the one who seemingly give in, but managing our own responses is a key to coping. Learning about MI was one of the best things that I did, especially about "expressed emotion" , inappropriate ways of handling situations and learning how to respond in a way that helps keep one's own blood pressure from going sky high.''

My suggestion, which will also possibly bring up feelings of frustration, is when he is angry, just keep quiet, it is hard but is often the best thing to do as reactive responses are often poor. Another example, when he sends the information, I would suggest simply thanking him for it, without further comment.

As staff on the Sane helpline are trained, perhaps you could give them a call, they may be able to give you some tips to being able to cope in the present.

As a carer we do not need to accept the burden that our loved ones happiness is up to us. Yes, we can love and care for them, we can support, encourage and do things that help reduce stress, but ultimately their well being is not dependent on us (although a supportive relationship does make a difference to them).

I think it important to realise that they too are not responsible for our wellbeing either. Doing things that enhance our own mental health such as having regular time out with friends and not feeling guilty about it is important, he does not always need to be invited. Finding purpose and meaning in our lives is an independent thing. Longer term, setting boundaries, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, might be of benefit to you. They might be able to help you as to when and how to calmly suggest how he can take personal responsibility .

PS I totally understand how a bit of consideration and kindess, not to mention appreciation and gratefullness for what we do would be gratefully received.

Yes, it stinks that we need to be the one who seemingly give in, @Former-Member, @Audrey, @CarerJo

I have done this lots of times in my early years of our marriage but now when he is angry, I just keep quiet,

Over the years I might just say a suggestion and then leave him to think about it

How are you today @Audrey, @CarerJo

we are here for you and remember you are not alone my friends xxx

Hello @Shaz5, @Former-Member, @CarerJo,

I hope you are all well 🙂 Firstly thank you so much for the support - i have certainly needed it. Carerjo - i hope the week is starting off better for you. As our circumstances are so similar I know how much its like walking on eggshells so much of the time.

For me things have been like a bit of a rollercoaster. Ive taken everything you have said on board, and I am working t be less combative, and not bite. I also googled expressed emotion - which i found interesting, I can see his family having a lot of the critical comments and hostility, whilst i absolutely tend to overinvolvement. My nature is such that I am an absolute carer, and nurturer, and so I want to support him. I can see (and thisis probably not new information, just a lable and an ability to see psychologically the impact on his welfare) that by caring so much and doing so much (pretty much everything) for him, the negative aspects.

In terms of actions I have taken to move forward, Ive been scrolling through these forums for information, its helpful to not feel alone, or abnormal, and its helpful to see how other proplr have worked through things like this. I have bought myself a journel, writing things down certainly helps to get things off my chest. I have seen a few friends, which was just a really great escape and ability to forget that things are prety crap at home. I have also been working at just leaving him alone when hes angry. My natural tendency is to want to fix it, so i push and push which only makes things worse. @Former-Member your comments around me not being responsible for his happiness and vice versa stopped me in my tracks, logically I knew this - you cant hand responsibility off to people, but I think maybe I was taking this on, but also handing my happiness over to him, so this has really helped me to get some perspetive and to think about things very differently I also realised, that something i used to tell my teams all the timeis relevant here - perception is reality - so whilst on my side, I dont see myself intending some of the things my partner takes issue with - ie correcting his view on my motivations, his perception of this is his reality - which I can not control. What I can control is me and my reactions - so if giving this informtatio makes him angry and my goal is not to do that, then a good start is to stop trying ot give him that information. Finally, I am taking actions for me, I tend to have destructive behaviour when things get bad, so my focus is to be more aware of this and my triggers.

thank you all for your support, for listening and for just hearing me. Its been a really long time since I havent felt judged (and not that people are doing this more its my perception), and Ive been able to get a lot of stuff out that has been stuck inside me for a long long time.....