Not sure which one

Hi @DefiantPanda I remember you from when I first joined the forum. You hadnt been around for a while and I always missed people when they dropped off. I just read some of your old poston 14yo house bound thread. I can relate to you a lot. I had the mother forcing me to sleep with her rather late (10yo) and being controlling. Never actually having a single bed to sleep in when I was with her.

I so related to your description of keeping 2 images of her in your mind ... the pristine caring one and the neglectful one. I also related to your leaving home and doing it tough to find yourself and being obviously nervous and stuttering.

I think you are pretty clear in this post about being honest about what is your stuff, and the processes by which we and others project uncomfortable feelings.

You have probably done a lot of work mothering your own hurt inner child just to survive til now.

I struggle with my negative self talk too.

A while ago .. in opposition to 'life is a box of chocolates' meme .. I came up with my own ... life's a bit of a mixed bag .... brown paper ...mates, cobbers, milk bottles, bullets and liquorice allsorts. So I can mutter some version that feels authentic to me but doesnt give away all my secrets.

Whenever thing get polarised in our head ... try and introduce a 3rd position. Most of us are a mix of good and bad .. even if we try our darndest, there will always be ways we dont measure up .. that helps me not yo yo from one postion to the other. It helps me integrate my past experience and include new experience.

Glad you are posting again.

@Appleblossom Hmm a third position...

I agree with you that most of us are both good and bad at the same time, that's true. But when something's too bad it's too bad and it's better to get out I think. If your intuition is screaming at you and because you came from a traumatic childhood your inner voice is vacillating between two extremes it probably means that it's not a good situation to be in, whether the person is good, bad or a mix of both. That's the conclusion I came to anyway.

Nice to see you again anyways and thanks for responding to my ranting as always.

Sidenote: that sharing the bed with your mother thing... it's like they didn't want us to be separate entities, hey? Even our thoughts and feelings, needs and wants had to align with theirs... Really difficult programming to overcome

Hi @DefiantPanda,

From what you wrote, it seems that you made a decision to look after you and removed yourself from a situation that was causing you distress. Have I read it right? I

How are you feeling now? Hope things are better.

Just a weird thought @DefiantPanda

It seems I am practising having healthy chats with people on the train ... I am going through a lot of social processing that I may have gone through in teen years or as young adults. Not committing or looking for friends or a date (maybe I'll meet someone great!) but relating in a buddhist sense without attachment ... but a new me is beginning to flower.

When I was young there was always someone around who interrupted, contradicted or ridiculed most things I said. When In the invisible .. unworthy of love .. or a proper space in a bed .. persona... I felt I had to take on the biggest challenges and solve all the worlds problems ... I still do ... but now, mny years on, I am clearer about having pleasure in my life and being able to give others pleasure.

In a way its not a new me .. its the same young optimistic hopeful girl that I was ... without all the rubbish that I was surrounded by. It has just taken a while to really move away ... as I moved into situations that replicated my childhood. I needed a few baptisms of fire to burn all the muck away, that I wasnt aware or conscious of. Then I could learn social skills without the fear, defensiveness or anger ...

I may never get a relationship ... but at least day by day is easier to manage atm. When I return home I am cheerful.

Take care ...

Man I am so tired of going back and forth between black and white, black and white... I try to see the grey I really do but my mind doesn't like me doing it... Feels like a trap

That's awesome that you are gaining confidence and social skills. They're nice skills to have especially if you missed them for a long time. Socialising can be very enjoyable.

I hear you on the being invalidated thing... Me too. It's nice isn't it to talk to people who actually listen to what you say for a change.

I too tend to seek out situations that replicate my childhood. Maybe one day I'll be able to stop that. Who knows? Most of my relationships, romantic, have been of this kind. I might go to a support group and try to figure it all out... Maybe they'll show me some grey I've missed

@CherryBomb hello, no I can't make a decision either way. One minute I feel I am being emotionally abused, trapped in a passionate yet destructive cycle that seems oddly familar, while the next I feel I am being over-emotional and paranoid and am a deeply flawed personality that no one could ever really love. Every few days one of us breaks up with the other, and then we have passionate sex. Then I feel awful again. I'm quite exhausted. Thanks for asking though. I suppose it's a process... At least I'm vaguely conscious of what's happening this time.