Neurodiversity is only for Rainman

I know it's Christmas and holidays but I guess the fact that I am posting this at this time, is indicative of how broken and dysfunctional my nervous system is.

I am in the throws of tears, sleeplessness and panic attacks about my future and figuring out how on earth I will be able to support myself.

I have been avoiding my pre-breakdown work experiences & memories and just putting it to the back of mind, La La La, don't go there, don't think about that you had to resign and now have zero referees, just delude yourself for 3 more months about the practical barriers.

Everyone is with their families, doing their Christmas shopping, catching up with people and winding down - but for people like me with severe anxiety, I am winding up. Projecting straight into next year when it hasn't even flipped to '19' yet. I have been reading a bit about Osher and I will read his bio soon, and I think I am very similar to him, in the sense that I am very anxiety dominant, to the most extreme level. I couldn't really relate to the content & nature of his anxieties, I don't experience those end of the world like thoughts, mine are based in the interpersonal and personal, but I do have that crazy physiological revving of the anxiety and fear engine.

This time of year is very stressful for my family, like lots of people out there. We have shrunk our activities and am going to be very quiet. I've told Mum I am not doing any extended family visits, just Christmas day with immediate family, and that is it.

Even though I am not pressuring myself to fake happiness and have banal conversation with my aloof homophobic extended family, maybe this has given me too much time and I am having panic attacks about my future. I can't stop thinking about my future and how on earth I am going to get a job and keep it.

Some months back I read some of your posts @Tiggeroo about your partner's experience with anxiety on the bus, even the commute into work sets off a physiological response that is impossible to mindfully reign in, let alone performing the acutal job.

It's transitions like these, navigating employment and social life, that only people with MI can understand, how the body takes over and how laughable it is to call it a MI. I only have one friend that truly gets this. She has Bipolar and has just crawled herself out of 6-9 months of dark depression realising that her working life is over. Finito. Cannot work ever again. Has absolutely no psycho-physiological resilience to perform new and unknown tasks with a bunch of strangers in a foreign environment. But because psychiatry in Australia follows the American system, we are so obsessed with categorical thinking and how our diagnoses differ. But the reality is that all mental illnesses are stress disorders, and I use the terms stress very broadly. It's not just cPTSD and PTSD that are stress disorders. Anyone with a mental illness doesn't process stimulus like someone who still has their health.

I went to this depressing forum with some Businesses and Government reps talking about what they are doing to get people with disabilities into the workforce and how they are going to increase participation. There was even a speaker from Sane.

But there was this one speaker, I can't remember the name of their program, but basically it sounded like a bunch of Mum's had got together and rallied business groups and politicians to completely overhaul the recruitment process and break down the practical barriers for people with autism hoping to enter the workforce. She said that the recruitment process wasn't fair, which it isn't, and actually discriminates against the neurodiverse because their disability means people with autism experience cognitive deficits that make it near impossible to sit an interview. She said that in this program candidates no longer had to sit a one on one or panel interview, and they had redesigned the recruitment process entirely so people's skills and abilities can actually be found, instead of that person dropping out of the process all together and running home. So the structures were adjusted from the very beginning. She was very proud that they had been able to recruit talented people who had been locked in their bedrooms for a few years and were now working for the big banks, figuring out mathematical algorithms that had befuddled the ANZ bank for years and have upped their profits and efficiencies.

And then the guy from Sane got up, representing people with mental health disability, and he talked about his Bipolar and talked and talked and talked. But the long and short of it was this. There is NO program for people like us. You basically are on your own, and have to spend 6-18 months building rapport with your manager, cross your fingers and your toes, ask the Universe for mercy, and hope that when you ask if you can work from home on the lap top 2 or 3 days a week to keep your symptoms down, they say yes. None of this special consideration with the recruitmene process. Just too bad so sad, toughen up.

Governments, business and not for profits can meet their disability employment targets easily and never have to employ someone with a mental illness. Why on earth would an employer chose someone with a health condition that is episodic and may require adjustments from day 1, over someone with a health condition that is awful as well, but fixed, and not degenerative or episodic that only requires a different computer.

I know I have really offended a lot of people out there, but I can't help but criticise and compare how our society views the different conditions. And then the government whinges and complains that people like me sit on NeverStart for years like a bunch of no good bludgers and does nothing about systemic barriers for people with MI and severe trauma backgrounds. I don't think you can even access a Disability Employment Network unless you are on the DSP. It is an either/or, set and forget attitude by the government.

Humans have tried to wipe us off the face of the earth when we were young, or at least leave us with zero self esteem and confidence and yet I am supposed to feel confident in the system.

Even employers who arrogantly claim to be meritocracies aren't. They're full of shameless nepotism. Inbreeds, like something out of Deliverance. A-holes.

I think its best I go and do some physical activity, I have harldy slept a wink.

Instead of saying just Good morning everyone, I will say, Good morning Vietnam.

Because he has won.

Corny