Just saying hello...

I've been thinking of writing this for a few weeks now, but I guess it's hard to find the energy and time to start something new sometimes. Plus I guess it can be hard to be motivated when you're in a not so great place.

I wanted to introduce myself because I'm quite isolated and I'm hoping that this forum can become part of a remedy for that. I also have a long history and have learnt a lot of things through my journey and I hope that I'll be able to support others in some way. I seem to have great knowledge and do a good job of helping others, but struggle a lot when it comes to applying things to myself.

I first remember having deperssion/anxiety in my teens, but I suspect at least the anxiety existed long before that. I was formally diagnosed in my early twenties and have seen psychologists and been on and off medication since then (so about 10 years or so). I never seemed to make much progress in that time - the medication might lift the low mood, but I would eventually struggle again and the psychology sessions often just focussed on the thing I was struggling with that week (probably because that was what I needed). I'd been told about strategies (like mindfulness) but I guess I wasn't in a place back then to really understand the benefit and be motivated to follow through. One of my biggest problems was/is getting so much of my self esteem from external sources. Because of that I threw myself into work and was quite successful and well regarded, but incredibly unhappy. I had moved up the ladder, been taken advatage of and lost myself somewhere along the way.

Things started to change when I got pregnant. By the time I went on maternity leave I was pretty sure I wouldn't be returning to the job (but wasn't stressing myself to make a final decision). I was also in a relatively good place during pregnancy because I was physically very unwell, I spent the whole time just handing over a major project and supporting others. I went into pregnancy having come off my medication and feeling no worse for it, and with the knowledge that postnatal depression was a possibility.

What I didn't realise was just how everything would be so difficult. I could tell when I was getting worse and needed to go back on medication, but I'd never really figured out something that worked reliably for me. So the process of trying a new medication started about 14 months ago. By Christmas last year the medication was definiately not working and I don't think I truely appreciated how bad it was because I'd been bad before and never thought I'd actually do anything. When I yelled something horrible at my then 5month old daughter I realised the medication needed to change. And when I went to a different GP (since mine was on holidays), I was told I needed to be admitted to hospital.

In retrospect getting postnatal depression and going to hospital was a great thing for me - I finally started to be in a place where I could get better, and not screwing up your child is a pretty good motivator. Having all that time on maternity leave and the help of a nanny once I got out of hospital allowed me to invest more in myself over 6 months than I had in the whole 35 years before.

The only problem is that the road to recovery is long. It might be never-ending. I'm back at work now in a new job that gives me some of my old passion back. I just find that balancing all my roles (employee, mother, wife, daughter, friend, homemaker, perfectionist) is incredibly difficult even with a very supportive husband. And looking after me is where it always seems to fall apart. Before the last year, I'd never really considered the concept of self care (not beyond basic physical health). I didn't have it modelled to me as a child. I find it so hard to fit me in, and to prioritise me, and to know what I need. Last weekend my husband took our daughter out so I could have some time - I didn't know what to do with myself because everything I thought of was some kind of chore/errand and I was very clear on not doing any of those.

So I guess that's where I am. Still working so hard on this journey and feeling like every time I get my head around something, something else falls apart or changes. And then I have to figure out what to do all over again. And my daughter is always changing. And these days she is really clingy and cries over everything. I realise that she can't control her emotions yet, but then I just feel bad because I think some of the behaviour is because I'm not giving her the support she needs. Sometimes it's just so hard that I just shut down and close off to her at a time that she really needs me. I get why I do it, I start to get frustrated and then get terrified of that feeling because that's what I was feeling a year ago. And I get so scared that I'll go back to that. And I'm not entirely sure that I'm a long way from it.

Actually, that brings me to one question I do have - does anyone know of any professionally moderated parenting forums? I don't want to join any of the ones like essential baby or kidspot because I don't think those environments are healthy for me.

If you've read this far, congratulations! It's a pleasure to meet you.