When families just don’t “get it”....

Hey @Tiggeroo props to your self-awareness. Reflecting on your own beliefs verse the reality of what's happening for BB is a pretty powerful skill, so well done. Definitely at times going no contact with a parent or sometimes both parents is a powerful decision. It's very confusing and painful and a form of grief will probably ensue for BB, I am sorry to hear the mother is now reaching out to you too. Sometimes we need to stop touching the wound in order to heal, and in this case the wound is Mum and Dad. For you, would it be possible to talk to BB about your approach together? This can be a really empowering discussion for someone who's made this call, as usually estrangement from family does instigate a bit of judgement from society. Would you be up for asking him what he would be most comfortable with? It's super important to remember Mum is an adult, and as complex as it is, it is not up to you to soothe her guilt and frustration - though it can definitely be hard when it challenges our own values.

How are you feeling now? The community is here to listen

@Tiggeroo Hi Tiggeroo I am trying to think like your partner's parents, particularly his/her mother. It is a hard one ..... my mum has difficulty with my daughter. She doesn't get it all the time but she tries even though she sometimes can be short and snarky about her with me.

Personally I don't like the idea of giving up contact completely (unless of course there are certain things like abuse in the relationship). But it is up to your partner to decide. Tricky for you as you are piggy in the middle. Good luck. greenpea

Thanks @Former-Member,

I am ok, thank you for your reply.

Bear and I have discussed at length his no contact as he maintained contact for several months at my request. He believes I should do what I feel is right, but i think that is where i am getting caught up! I know for him no contact is right (for the current time) but i also know how hard it must b for his mother. I ended up in the middle partly by my own fault, wanting to know she had some connection to him. But now that I am the contact, i realise what he means when he says she doesnt/wont ever understand.

Just today she messaged me and went on about how she longs for the day he will call and talk to her about his feelings and illness... but she doesnt recognise that when he did try, he was told to get a haircut, or that he was a disappointment for needing time off work for his health. She also cannot recognise her downfalls, that she actually isnt a good communicator, that she had any play in his current state of mental health. We had a conversation a few weeks ago because she decided to attend a cousellor about her relationship but they ended up talking about bear and a serious self harm incident in his teens which has left him with noticable scars. He was never taken for medical treatment because "she didnt want people to judge him", her counsellor suggested that not taking him for treatment was not about him at all because treatment was his need at the time, but rather her not wanting people to think she was a bad mother... (imagine me furiously nodding along to this conversation)... but she didnt agree at all and stopped seeing that counsellor because she wasnt very good... cue jaw drop. Maybe I am realising he is right, but because of my solid family values I just dont want to admit it.

Bear is very close to my parents, my mum in particular, if he needs help (and i need to work) she comes from interstate to ensure he is safe, he gets to his appointments and just generally does "mum" stuff to keep him busy and not deteriorating. Bear appreciates this because we both acknowledge the risk in me "mothering" him, which is not my role, and he feels like she listens to him, she tells him when he is being unreasonable or his emotions are out of check, but she does it kindly and with lots of love behind it. Something he isnt used too at all.

@Bunniekins I think you are 100% right, i too have looked at it from his mums point of view basically since december last year, but now i am the one dealing with her, Im seeing his side a whole lot clearer and it is clashing with my values that families stick together. This is a whole new world for me! thanks for taking the time to respond.

xx

Tigz

G’Day @Tiggeroo,

My name’s Corny, you may see me flip from both sides of the track on this website, completely contradicting things I say, because I have lived both sides and can see the separate experiences clearly. I’ve been a life-long carer and someone on the spectrum of complex mental illness myself.

Both of my parents have/had severe mental illnesses. Mum has schizophrenia, Dad, like a lot of us had a constellation of a few conditions, and he took his own life in 2010.

Besides my father’s mental illness he was an extremely abusive man and placed me in the path of other abusive adults, setting me up for my own mini-nightmare and childhood trauma from a very young age.

You sound like a beautiful partner and your family has welcomed your Bear into the family very lovingly, giving him experiences that he has never known.

But would you mind if I offered my opinion and perspective on the title of the thread and some of it’s content.

I’m not buying it, that they “just don’t get it”. I’m sorry, I am not.

One of the hardest life lessons I have learnt, is not to listen. Observe, and watch instead.

It doesn't matter if it’s your mother or your lover, people can sweet talk you, they can talk you around, they can promise you things, they can reassure you, they can tell you to stop being silly, and of course I love you.

But if you really want to get the centre, the crux of a relationship from their perspective and what motivates them, and the painful truth of how someone sees you, and has always seen you..............look at their behaviour.

It is the behaviour that tells you all you need to know.

“Actions speak a thousand words” Tigz, doesn't really totally convey all that I’m trying to say, but it’s a weak example.

People, myself included, avoid this. You know how the saying goes, “the lies we tell ourselves”. Because the ugly truth means that you may have to accept a hell of a lot of loss, and maybe some humiliation. Loss and humiliation can make us feel unstable, especially if there's a strong attachment or love involved. So we delude ourselves instead, and fabricate our own reality.

His mother left him for dead, for her own self image.

He needs a time out from her.

I completely understand how he feels. That is soul destroying neglect.

If that was his partner would he stand for that? Leaving him like that to save face and draw attention to herself. I hope not.

I understand your ideas about family, and blood does run deep. But isn’t that the whole point, the contrast in your lives. He must look at your Mum and then look at his own Mum, and self medicates or worse just to cope.

Despite her hollow words Bear knows the truth. He’s a smart man. And all the substances and SH is where truth, meets mental illness.

It might not be forever. But he needs a time out. If he had a partner that treated him like that, and Bear was my mate. I would say, leave! Now! I’ll help you pack your bags. She will never change, the behaviour has told you precisely what she thinks of you and where Bear ranks.

Of course they get it. But they're just not interested if it means it impacts their public image.

Just my perspective.

Corn Crisp.

Thanks @Corny,

you are 100% right... even I know that if it wasnt his mum, if it were anyone else, i would be like "nah thats not ok, its time to walk away".

Bear has tried to maintain the realtionship, purely because I asked him too, he is amazing despite all his baggage he lugs about.

Today, I have come home from work (I read your post earlier) we have talked it over and from now on no contact for him, and limited contact from me other than "he is alive, safe and happy".

About the title, I truely believe they dont get it... because they dont want too. They want no blame or responsibility to be attributed to them and their actions (to be fair the dad didnt really get a shot and he has asbergers but for the role he was allowed to play he did a pretty good job, just from a long way away). So i guess the title is wrong, maybe i should change it too "when they dont want to get it because they are narcissists" haha!

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I really appreciate you doing so.

I am sorry about your dad, as hard as some lives are, suicide is always a hard thing to reconcile for those of us left behind.

Thanks Again

xx

Tigz

It doesn't have to be for ever @Tiggeroo, but Bear's experiences have to be acknowledged somehow and it seems that his Mum is happy to look the other way. The reality is that it isn't too late. She could do the right thing and offer to go to family counselling with Bear, or say, "I understand that my reaction was very hurtful all those years ago, but if I can't fix it or change it, I'd still like to try and make it better". And she could take the reigns and make him feel protected. But she isn't doing any of that.

Just because he's all grown up doesn't mean he doesn't need a Mum.

If I was Bear I would have interpreted her reaction as her being ashamed and embarrassed about me. That she does in fact get it, or she wouldn't have tried to hide me. She just doesn't want to know about it, and hopes no one noticed or caused a fuss because people may question her parenting.

That's very painful.

Maybe in some time he will feel more robust to contact his Mum. But I would have a time out. If he's having memories, even if it's subconsciously, just coping with the irritation and anger and frustration that surfaces when you realise how negligent your parents were, is enough to tip anyone over the deep end. I know for myself I actually had to stay away from my family when I was in the worst of my realisation, because they were so triggering of me, and I felt I couldn't cope with that much harsh reality for too long. After a lot of therapy its a little easier now, but I still am very cautious with how much I give of myself to them. Family is supposed to make it feel all better, but mine often makes me feel worse, and think about the past and just become more sad and depressed. It's a delicate balance. It makes me sad that I have missed out on a connection that a lot of people have, but there's not much I can do about it. These are the cards I've been dealt in life.

You're right @Tiggeroo, suicide is extremely traumatising to say the least, my family is left very shaken and disturbed. I have a lot of emotions around my father, but that also includes being a little girl once, I am still human despite his abuse, and it is quite a statement when a parent does that. I was expecting it to be Mum.

Cheers. Corny

Helllllloooo @Corny, @Tiggeroo, @Bunniekins thinking of you lots and sending you all tender hugs

and to you too my friend @Former-Member xxxxxx

Hello my lovely @Corny (cornucopia, corn-cob, corn fritters and sweet corn)

I saw the username and foraged around your posts with a calm smile remembering our past connection. I haven't been 'there' for a long while because it became too familiar and triggering. I've missed you...your intelligence and amusing dry wit that makes you, well, you.

Reading your writings is as always, inspirational and enlightening. You're a survivor of impeccable calibre my sweet. How you've supported, advised and encouraged those around you, while tending to your own swollen heart and damaged mind, is most admirable. You are still as I remember...a champion.

You are loved; even though physical distance separates us, how could I not love you? Intimacy can be achieved via the ether, through prayer and loving thoughts. These you deserve in abundance. (And, have from me)

You're a precious child Corny. We don't choose our parents, but we have empowerment to choose our loved ones. So be sure that my healing heart and mind are with you.

Love always;

Hope xo

Thanks for your support @Shaz51 and @Hope4me.

Hope things are going well for you and your bear @Tiggeroo.

Here I am, saying, oh yes, I can run a little business from home and I've only just seen this. I'm so terrible and vague with the tech. Whoops! Sorry. Really need to smarten the hell up.

Now @Hope4me were you Beyond it and you chose to go inSane? So did I! Twinsies! Isn't being mental the best!

Well, despite being desperately unwell at the time, I was going in and out, on and off, like a chequer board between reality and non-reality, and I actually am pretty certain that I had my privacy broken by someone on Beyond it, who I will refer to as Freckles. Never met this person. But I was very very very very cranky to say the least as you can imagine considering who they are, and went off the website. How would they feel if I went around telling everyone who they were and about their most intimate private life. I have Google images, and dermatology is a very interesting field, it is amazing what stories the skin tells you. I'm not going to do anything about it, in breaking my privacy they exposed their own private life and recreational activities. I'm pretty sure I know what was behind the motivation to scout me out. Silly them. But I most definitely am not silly and can put 2&2 together. They should never have assumed anything about me in the first place and projected their relationship problems onto me. Who the hell do they think they are. Anyways there's my rant. Not worth worrying over is it @Hope4me, but I'm sure you, or anyone, would have felt the same. I have every right to be angry.

You're just doing so well @Hope4me!!! How marvelous! Keep doing what ya doing!! My god leaps and bounds gurl! Nothing wrong with goin' inSane is there!

Would you believe, that apparently, according to my youngest sibling the next 19 months is the first time in 12 years that I may find my 1 true love. I could be loved up! I can't date anyone with duck bill lips though. What's with pumping that stuff in there anyways!

See ya around @Hope4me, @Shaz51, @Shaz51, @Bunniekins, @Former-Member

Corn Dog

Oh I'm so sorry for thread hopping @Tiggeroo!

Stoopid me didn't take the time to look at who created this thread as I was carried away with words while replying to another.

You deserve better so please accept my apology.

Hope