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Abortion ruined my life

CotteeCasual Contributor06 Dec 2018, 9:42 am AEDT

Abortion ruined my life

My name is Cottee and I am 25 years old. Five months ago I had an abortion and it has completely ruined my life.

My husband and I were newly married when we carelessly fell pregnant. We panicked, as we didn't feel "ready" to be parents - even though my dream is to be a mother. My husband said that we should terminate the pregnancy and try again when the time was right. We sought abortion counselling from a family planning clinic and were also assured that the abortion would have no affect on my future fertility - as this was a huge concern of mine. I agreed to the abortion but I never felt convinced that I was making the right decision. I expressed this to my husband who simply told me that my fears were not justified and it would all be okay.

Immediately following the abortion I was overcome with regret. This manifested into depression and suicidal thoughts. Over the following months I started to deteriorate physically and mentally. I was having increasing pelvic pains and new that something wasn't right. Finally I found answers, after being brushed off by many doctors. And last month I had surgery which found that I was suffering from a pelvic infection (most likely caused by the abortion) and also riddled with endometriosis. I was told that my prospects for future fertility are limited.

I feel like my life is over and I just want to die. The grief and regret are eating me inside. I cannot live knowing that I had the chance to be a mother and I let it slip away. I hate myself. I hate my husband. And I hate my life. Every minute of every day I think about the abortion. My mind spins in circles thinking about how much I regret the past, how much I hate the present and how much I fear the future. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that at any moment, if it all becomes too much - I have the power to end my own suffering by taking my life.

Please help me. I don't know what to do.

14 replies

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In response to: Abortion ruined my life

CotteeCasual Contributor13 Mar 2019, 2:33 pm AEDT

Re: Abortion ruined my life

Hi Samantha,

I am so sorry to hear that someone else is going through a similar situation. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Unfortunately since writing this post things have not improved for me. I still carry the emotional wounds of my abortion - grief, regret, guilt, sorrow. I live with these feelings every day. Sadly, as I write this, I am going through a second miscarriage since writing the original post. So you have caught me at a particularly raw point in my life. I pray that your journey is not as tough as mine. Take heart in knowing that you are not alone.

In response to: Abortion ruined my life

Samantha3New Contributor13 Mar 2019, 4:18 pm AEDT

Re: Abortion ruined my life

Hi @CheerBear,

i have full support from all of my family and even my partners, which I’m really greatful for. But it is all still so hard. A part of me just thinks that he’s not connected to it yet so doesn’t feel the same pain as I do.

In response to: Re: Abortion ruined my life

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Mar 2019, 5:36 pm AEDT

Re: Abortion ruined my life

@Cottee I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't improved and if anything they sound harder for you. Having an abortion can be an experience of great loss which is something I found over the couple of months since I had had mine. The miscarriages you've been through in addition to that would feel like more loss or layers added to that I imagine.

I hope there is space for you to be gentle and kind with yourself through what you're experiencing and the significance of it to you.

In response to: Re: Abortion ruined my life

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Mar 2019, 5:40 pm AEDT

Re: Abortion ruined my life

@Samantha3 it's great that you have the support of people close to you in your life. As far as your partner goes, I think even the most understanding and empathic people could struggle to understand what the feelings involved in this one might be, how intense they can get and the connection you can have with the life growing inside you (if that is how you see it as it sounds you do - I kind of swung between 'life' and 'cells' and struggled to work out what I thought about that one. I have nothing but respect for however someone views what is going on inside their own body though). I agree that the connection with a pregnancy can often be much stronger for the person who is actually pregnant. It is so hard 🙁

I was encouraged to reach out to those closest in my life to me as often it can be helpful to seek the support of our family and friends when we are struggling. In a way it can be super helpful as they are the people with us and who can offer important support. I also remember a counsellor saying that with this decision sometimes speaking with people who are part of our lives can also have the flip side that each person will bring their own thoughts, concerns, beliefs etc to those conversations, even with the strongest intentions not to. Because of that I found it incredibly helpful to speak with people who were not personally involved in my day to day life and those who could offer unbiased support. For me that was professional people - counselling helplines, my GP and my mental health worker.

How do you feel about the idea of speaking with a professional person outside of your family? There are heaps of options for that if it is something you'd like to do.

Thinking of you

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