Waiting for hospital

I am waiting for a bed in a psych hospital. It is taking every nanogram (I made that word up, don't try to sound smart using it to a scientist) of my energy to get through this. I'm not ending my life at all. I'm just in a really difficult headspace.

I'm throwing all my meds up, even antinausea pills. So I'm effectively off my medications now- mood stabilisers, antidepressants, thyroid meds, migraine preventatives, sedatives to get to sleep, etc. The throwing up is stress.

I've been laying in bed perfectly still trying to gather energy to move. I have Conversion Disorder (among many diagnoses mostly trauma related) which causes weakness and paralysis when I get overwhelmed. Holding my phone typing with one finger is my huge success at moving. My admitting dr called today to say I should be in hospital by the weekend.

I just want to lament that this is agonisingly torturous. I just want to be heard.

Please don't suggest breathing- that's a trigger of mine. I thought of going to an ED but I don't have the energy and I couldn't cope with it at all now.

I've been trying to distract with Netflix and podcasts but not even that is making a dent now.

I'm safe.

I'm just at my zombie end of functioning and wanted to be heard.

Please don't worry. I've survived every day of my life already. I'm strong and not suicidal. I'm just scared of completely shutting down and being unreachable in my shell. I feel myself shutting down like my generator is dying. What happens when I am completely paralysed? I'm scared of that.

Twerp.