Sharing my life with Ms Sophie (Bipolar II)

@Sophie1, some of that's a bit outdside of my experience, but we have had the experience of trying to shield our kids from my undiagnosed-BPD Mum's meldowns. Which sound like they were very similar to your Mum's.
BPD behaviour is in one sense "bad behaviour", and can be really damaging to other people, but on another level, it's driven by a deep fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. So there's that hard balance of how to get the "we love you and we're here for you" message across while still keeping appropriate boundaries.
What we'd try to do is decide in advance that if things were heading towards "pear shaped", it was a good time to have an outing with the kids. Us getting out of the house for a bit often took down Mum's stress levels to tolerable. We'd also try to keep on top of some of the basic household tasks like food prep and clean up, because part of her "no-one loves me" mental script was "I have to do all the work". I think that was partially from her feeling like she had to earn our love, and partially from her feeling abandoned to slaving away in the kitchen? Neither of which were heathy or true things for her mind to feed on, so we tried to break to break the mental loop by voluntarily doing those tasks. It was somewhat successful- I won't claim complete efficacy.
So would it work for you if you mentioned sometime shortly after arriving that you'd like to go out to a certain place at some stage, but try not to let it turn into a big-production highly-organised outing- just a casual "at some random time we'd like to wander off and...."? If she knows in advance that you want to get out and about a bit, hopefully she won't interpret it as "running away from her".. even though on one level it is. If it's also giving her some space to regain equilibrium, it's "running away" for her benefit as well as yours. If that doesn't sit well with her, perhaps a more direct "there's a lot of people underfoot when we're all together. Would you like us to set a time each day when we all go out and do our own thing for a bit, so that you get some breathing space? Or so you can go out somewhere yourself?"
The BPD thing of feeling unwanted is very deep seated, so I know that no approach is going to solve that altogether, but I hope you can find something that works in your situation.

Is it possible to get any time out for yourselves to temporarily escape the family dramas @Sophie1?

Hi @Former-Member and @Smc

Thankyou for your advice - really great solid ideas

I found my alone time cleaning the bathroom for 5 hours today !! Sounds nutty but I loved it and the shower has been my nemesis for a while now so I'm well pleased with the results

was lovely to feel positive about achieving something and also not have to think or talk or interact - very relaxing 😌

If you ever feel the need to get away for 5 hours again, my bathroom/shower will readily be made available to you @Sophie1 😁😁😁

Hi @Former-Member @Smc @outlander @Shaz51 @Determined

MsS depressed and in a state of constant headaches at the moment and migraines a few a week ... in bed almost all time .. I have been doing ALL the work and organising in the house ...

feeling overwhelmed - have some new treatment options queued up for MsS headaches in the new year .. but for the next week we will be travelling to see MsS family interstate ... i offered to cancel the trip but MsS wants to see her family with or without the headaches

so now I'm procrastinating on doing dishes , watering garden , folding clothes so we are ready to just do final packs and make our flight tomorrow

today I am sad to be doing this all alone

Yikes @Sophie1

Depressive phase = ☹️☹️☹️

Will you get a breather while you are away.

@Former-Member it's only 4 days if exclude arrival/departure days

possibly mornings and late evenings may be my only chance to be alone .. they live near a beach so I think I'll take myself out for walks to take photos and have time out esp first thing

how do you keep yourself going when you MrD isn't functional ?

@Sophie1 once I was able to relax that Mr D was no longer suicidal (and only then) I held on to the hope that the darkness would lift. I kept up hope and positive talk that we can live well in spite of a mental health diagnosis. In an act of self care I got help with cleaning and a friend kindly paid for someone to help in the garden.

At the time I was not happy with the treatment being given to Mr D and spent a lot of time researching mental illness and it's treatment and I advocated very strongly in relation to this and I think it gave me some sort of purpose. He had a lot of medication induced sedation and slept all night and most afternoons. As the crisis meds were withdrawn things picked up.

Thanks @Former-Member ... I will think about where I could ease the load a bit ..

something I've been thinking about is giving myself another term off Cello lessons as I'm struggling to find time to attend lessons , practice in between lessons whilst also juggling work and rehab for my hip which still troubles me ...

I would love to have a bit more breathing space before and after work so I can maybe go for a swim or just relax ... otherwise every minute of the day is jammed with activities and I am easily overwhelmed even when MsS is semi functioning

At the time I pretty much gave up everything apart from work @Sophie1

I didn't realise the emotional toll his crisis took on me until after the event and I found counseling helpful.

Some things to consider:

phases are generally cyclical, reviewing treatment plan - what has previously helped (ie med tweakage, therapy, other) can be helpful. Is a med change necessary - perhaps the trade off in relation to side effects needs to be revisited.

It is tiring @Sophie1, sending very gentle thoughts your way