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What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
ChrisSenior Contributor
What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
I will state from the outset that i do not feel connected to anyone. I guess it stems from a lifetime of being hurt,both in the family and out. I got to a stage at the age of nineteen i was hurt really badly and i vowed i would never let anyone hurt me again. However with recent therapy it become apparent that i do want to feel connected to my immediate family. Scarry stuff i know, very scary. Its bothersome.why cant i connect. Well i guess you cant undo a life time of being closed off in a short space time.
My questions are how do you know you are connecting?
What does it feel like, if anything?
Is it being fully engaged in the conversation, being in the moment.
In response to: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
CherryBombSenior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
@Chris this is a big question - a great question that has got me thinking tonight.
For me, a connection with someone feels like there is a level of mutual understanding, trust and respect. Overtime, it also feels like there's an element of growing together.
Perhaps some of other Forumnites can odd some insights here @Jacques@Appleblossom@Shaz51@BlueBay@Drac0@Mazarita?
In response to: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Unknown userMember
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Hi @Chris. Good questions. Others will have better responses than me. I never feel connected to people I have relationships with; it's just transactional, if that makes sense.
I do think I'm connected to my daughter though. Her life, the things that happen to her and what she thinks and feels, matter to me as much as things in my own life. I guess that's how I think of connection.
In response to: Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
That is a good question @Chris, @Former-Member, @CherryBomb
In response to: Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Drac0Senior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Great question @Chris. It's probably something that will mean something a little different to everyone. I see there being two different areas when we talk of connecting with someone. First is the personal relationship side of things, a more emotional connection. This is what people look for in family, friends and partners. On the other side there is the connection for support purposes - what we look for from health professionals, but can also include those from our emotional connections.
Like others here I too have trouble forming emotional attachments to people. Music, movies, stories, etc have much more of an affect on me than people. It's scary at times that a song can bring me to tears yet the death of my brother or sister did nothing. I was just detached from it all. I knew others we're hurting and provided comfort, all the while being an empty vessel.
But to me connecting with someone for support purposes is a different feeling. It's more about feeling comfortable, accepted & that they understand what we're feeling & going through.
Comfortable - In that you will be alright spending time with them and being able to talk more openly about almost anything going on.
Accepting - That they accept who you are. That they accept you have an illness, that you are not the illness but something separate. They know things won't always be good and that you won't always be comfortable, even with them.
Understanding - This for me is the biggest. The need to have someone understand what we've been through, what we're still going through & what we feel our future holds. I think this is what a lot of us want, to be understood. And I don't think you can be understood unless you are comfortable & accepted as well.
You can probably have a normal relationship with just the first two. If you're comfortable with them & they are accepting of your situation them perhaps they don't need to fully understand it all. You can still be friends, love and care for each other. They don't need to understand the why, just accept & support us through things.
But being understood is something different. I think feeling understood is what helps us move forward. It lets you explore the reasons behind our emotions. But understanding can be hard to find. I never felt like anyone understood me until I started talking to others with MI. Knowing that they had 'been there'. Maybe in a different way, but they still have some knowledge that you can't get out of a book as to what wea're going through.
It's like I can come here and read what people post. I may not have ever experienced what they are going through myself, but can understand how they could get there. It makes it so much easier for sharing & accepting thoughts/ideas on how to deal with things. It is better when you feel someone can understand the how's & why's of where you are.
I hope that all makes at least a little sense. 🙂
Take care all.
In response to: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
darkelfCasual Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Hi there, connection is a real exercise in passing through the obstacle course for me. I too have been hurt deeply by those around me, as a kid I was often alone and victimised for being....oh I don't know...Different I guess. Family is a real tough one for me. I have no siblings and my parents split at an early age. Isolation and living in my own world was the only way I could cope with life as a loner. Luckily the situation has improved over the last 10 years(yes years) for me. My family now when I see them don't have that scared look as often as they did earlier. Maybe being in my early 40s I've changed and can now see a little bit clearly or something. Trust is never a given. For me it needs to be earnt, for my sake, hence a bit of an obstacle course. I don't even see that as a problem, if you are a genuine good to know person, I will find that out. And given that I have a steady stream of guests at my flat on a regular basis I must be getting to the point where those defences are needed less and less, my friends are like family to me. A lot of them were loners, the outcasts, the weird ones, just my kind of people!!
In response to: Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
SCORPIONSenior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Hi great topic
I used too feel conected to many people but after depression and PSTD arrived in my life i have lost nearly all conections. Every morning i put on my mask and make out im happy but can no longer find a conection to nearly anyone i have my wife and one true freind that has stuck by me in my mood swings and the deep sorrow i offten slip into.
I supose the others either cant or dont want to deal or try to understand that how i am now is not a choise i have made but what has been delt to me. I want to be happy but now dont remember what that feels like so i supose that is where we loose the conection with so many around us, they have happy moments sad moments and normal times, me either im emonionally numb or deeply depressed and in tears and cant say why it just rolls over me anytime any where. or i seem very agitated and angery without reason, so people now avoid contact. this i think enforced my disconection with the world.
Just my view.
Scorpion
In response to: Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
In some ways I was the opposite, though I had been hurt, I just always saw it as my job to do the connecting and be the bridge between people.
Being connected sometimes surprises me ... as when I received news of my niece's wedding. I have put a lot of effort into maintaining a link and it was nice to feel there was reciprocation.
I guess I am disconnecting from my sister.
This last week has been lovely and given me a solid feeling of connection with my son. Its not over yet.
I tend to be very process oriented. So it wont be a fixed thing of being connected or disconnected but a dynamic that is not fixed.
I am getting better at connecting with others on more casual basis. Or maybe its a question of timing and the world is more in sync with me .. dunno.
Great topic @Chris
In response to: Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
ChrisSenior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Hi Draco
I can really relate to what you say. I think having a connection with my therapists is really important. I need to feel I can go in and say what I want to say without fear of being criticised . Having said that in the last two months or so I feel that she is judging me by things that she has said. As a result I have backed right off to the point of cancelling seeing her. With the current group work I am doing I am becoming more aware of my sensativities. I did ring the psychologist running the group. She pointed out to me this is what I do when I get close to a break through, and feel like I can't cope with it. By the time I got off the phone I was in tears because I know she "gets me" and can tell me in such a way that I realise it's ok to feel the way I do, and know she will support me. I guess emotion mind rears up and tell me a whole heap of stuff. I'm being manipulative, attentenion seeking. I guess this is getting away from my original question. Thank you for replying.everyone
In response to: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Unknown userMember
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
Good childhood connections help but we can learn later in life. Common interests together help connect Eye contact & asking questions. Trust & Respect are useful but can be on different levels.i have friends that are weary of me because of behaviours during MI relapses or breakthroughs - they keep me at arms length & I've learned that thats ok. Ever heard the saying "what planet are you on?" This is when you're NOT connecting. NOT on the same wavelength at all (radio frequency) I have trouble trusting & expecting good outcomes. Just keep trying.
In response to: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
MoonGalSenior Contributor
Re: What does it mean to be connected to another person or people related or not?
@Chris - what a great question and one I haven't thought about in any depth. I do know I am not connected to many people - my partner for sure. I had a dear friend to whom I had a deep connection, but she died quite a few years ago and that level of freindship trust and connection died with her.
I often really WANT to conenct to some people, they are warm and gregarious and loving (a bit like me when I am travelling really well, which isn't often!) and I think I blow it by being over identifying and sharing too much about myself too quickly. I am an intense bunny and scare people I trust...
For me knowing I am connected is when I share a person's values and can laugh with them.
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