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Story of my life.

MummaijkNew Contributor14 Nov 2018, 11:48 am AEDT

Story of my life.

I have never been a forum kind of person, or one to reach out or ask for someone to lean on. Even just someone to relate to, because we all know mental illness is a horribly isolating thing to live with.

But, here I am.

I'm 25. I have two beautiful babies. My son, 4 and my daughter, 2.

I have struggled with mental illness in one way or another for as long as I can remember.

I remember being only a small kid, but my mood swings were violent and endless. I had a less than average up bringing. My life has been plauged by sexual assault, rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, addiction and mental illness since the day I was born.

I have had an eating disorder, I spent 3 years in a state of different highs, without going more than 24 hours sober. I have tried to take my own life. I have hated myself so deeply I couldn't bare the thought of being happy. I have been on 10+ medications for a mental illness I still don't have a clear diagnosis for.

In the last 2 months I have been hospitalised twice for mental illness. I am currently coming off of a high dose of one anti depressant and being changed to another. Aswell as sedatives for night time. Bipolar is the general consensus. Major depressive disorder and chronic generalised anxiety also.

I am so exhausted and sick of struggling to keep my head above water. I feel endless guilt for not being a more stable minded mumma. I feel over whelmed by small adult tasks and I am a huge stress head over almost everything. Please tell me it gets better? Or that I am atleast not the only one?

My kids are the only reason I am still breathing. But more often than not, I feel like they deserve worlds better than me.

25 years of fighting to get on top, and I feel like I will never get there.

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In response to: Story of my life.

CheerBearSenior Contributor15 Nov 2018, 5:51 am AEDT

Re: Story of my life.

Hi @Mummaijk and welcome to the forum. You've been through a lot over a long time and it's great to see you here reaching out

I noticed that you asked whether it gets better. I believe that things can get better especially with the right support. Many people, myself included, find that a combination of supports and treatment including friends and family, professional support, medication, talk therapy, psychotherapy etc can really help. It can take time to work through and process everything and learn effective coping strategies but I need to believe, and do believe, that it can get better.

You're definitely not the only one who struggles with feelings of guilt and overwhelm involving your mental health and family. I have been living with mental health issues for a while and am also a mum. Like you, I believe my kids are the reason I am alive. I have had many moments of feeling incredible guilt that my mental health can stand in the way of me being the parent I want to be and that I think my kids deserve. I've also had times when even the smallest things can feel enormously overwhelming and difficult.

I hear many people talking about feeling a similar way and, while I wish things were different for everyone who struggles with that kind of guilt and difficulty, it does help to know I am not the only one. There's a thread here on the forum where you will find lots of others who share similar experiences, if you'd to check it out and get involved.

I hope it helps to be here. Keep talking and sharing if it does. Sometimes simply knowing we aren't alone and that people are hearing us, can make a difference.

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