AnneGreenGablesCasual Contributor
How do you continue to care?
Hello. This is my first time posting and I'm a little nervous to do so, but I figure it can't hurt. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have a daughter, 6. One and done, as the saying goes! As background, I almost died giving birth and suffered PND for about two years. I've been well since. About 3 years ago I noticed my husband, who was my main carer when I was ill, was showing signs of depression. In Dec 2016, after months of me trying to get him to go to the GP, he went and was put on meds. (Factors influencing his depression include PTSD from seeing me almost die, caring for me and not accepting much help, his previous high-stress managment position where he had to make people redundant and, in the past year, his dad's cancer diagnosis and death) To try and cut a very long story short we have had multiple med changes, referral to community mental health team, psychiatrists x 2 (happy with the second one), psychologist and now he is currently in hospital undergoing his second round of ECT. The first course he responded really well to but it was only 6 sessions, which in hindsight was probably not enough as he had a major crash about a week after coming home. He is halfway through his second course, which will be 12 treatments. It's been a battle every step of the way getting him treatment. It's taken weeks or months of me suggesting/coaxing/pleading/demanding he seek help, despite all we know about depression from my experience. The impact it has had on our lives is huge. He has lost almost all of the clients he had in our business, money is tight, I have stepped up working crazy long hours to make up the shortfall (although I still don't always cover it all). I've negotiated with the bank re mortgage, I work about 50 hrs a week paid work and then do all cooking, cleaning and parenting. He hates that I do this, and does feel bad, but I have little choice. In terms of help for myself I see a psychologist and psychiatrist (we were weaning off my meds but we've paused that for now), I did go to the gym which I loved but financially we can't afford it any more so now I walk the dogs, I have excellent friends and family support. I am also taking a few days off paid work this week (My first break in over a year) I guess my questions are:
* What helps you get by?
* How do you stay and care when you just want to leave? (I like it when he is in hospital as it's just my daughter and I and things are simple and happy at home)
* How do you manage taking over things that have to be done without damaging or setting your spouse back and denting their confidence and self-esteem? (My husband bemoans me being the breadwinner but he is earning little right now and we need food in the fridge and a roof over our heads. And I started mowing the grass as it was calf height! I've tried not to take over but the alternative is weeks of me reminding and nagging and I hate being 'that wife'. lol)
* Or how do you get your spouse to engage in family life and contribute even just a little bit?
Thank you for taking the time to read 🙂
