so sad

Welcome @axle. I'm glad you've come across the Forums and have found them helpful so far.

It sounds like things have been incredibly hard for you for a very long time. Although you have said a lot of negative things about yourself in your post, you come across as having a lot of compassion for the people around you and being truly sorry for the times you may have hurt them. That makes me think perhaps there is more kindness in you than you are acknowledging.

It's great that you are wanting to change things, with small steps becoming bigger steps, and have a long term counsellor to support you with this. You have mentioned that you struggle a lot with “your brain telling you you're a loser”. Is there anything you find helpful to manage these kinds of thoughts? You might like to have a read of the following discussions on this topic:

Top things NOT to say to yourself

Self-compassion

Feel free to add your own thoughts as well. And please keep looking around and join in where you'd like. There are social threads and more serious discussions as well.

Welcome once again @axle, and please keep posting 🙂

Hi @axle

I welcome you to the forum.

I am sad for the way that you feel about yourself.

Give you a break... you are not pathetic and you are not a loser... you are human just like all of us... we all have our issues and we are all here to work through it together.

Please know that you are safe here

I am here to talk if you need to 💐

Good morning @Mazarita

It’s so nice to meet you💐

I have been off the radar for a few days so I need to catch up on everything going on but I welcome you with open arms my friend.

I hope you will keep talking with everyone here... the people are beautiful and so supportive x

thankyou @Nay69 and @Former-Member and supporters again this is why i love this sight, i thought people would think ime some stupid idiot maniac and i didnt express myself clearly but obviously not the case, so thankyou, ive been living with this for so long now that i know ill be fine. i found myself wandering around the shops today grocery shopping thinking how sad i felt and watching all the happy people and particuarly noticing people who i sensed were sad and lonely, i do this all the time which makes me even sadder eg older people or people with disabillities it breaks my heart. this is my normal day, thought of suicide in past especially when i tried a particular anti depressant, that was scary but i know thats not for me i love being alive just not the being sad and guilty all the time, the past wont let me go. Current medication helps but is not a cure, I ve kind of ruined the good relationship i have with my councillor when i fell into this dark murk i swim in last year i have appoligised but its different now i thought after 20 years plus of councilling i would be more together but it seems so much worse now i think counsilor missed major depressive episodes over the years no offence to them though was also great help other times, i need to see a psych which has been a very slow process in doing. ime such a hermit now and very anxious around people or travelling, my brain tells me i must spend every spare minute at home with the dog or if ime out something might go wrong ive got a slight issue about leaving things on when i go out, sometimes ime half way down the street but have to turn around because i cant remember turning stuff off or if i locked the door. sometimes too far away and will be anxious to get home to see what i left on. I think ime writting here to let others that are on forum that i too have issues and to rid myself as havnt seen doc for months and i know its just building up, I think i relate mostly to Daniel johns of silverchair and David larrys charachter in curb your enthusiasm and mr bean all rolled into one. Like others have said on forum i feel like ime a shadow and the world just goes on around me, also today i have been flooded with memories of myself age 10 cleaning my mums false teeth as she was ill in bed with cancer, i dropped them in the sink and they broke we had to glue them as no money to fix them and ime so sad for what she went through, she had seperated from my dad and spent 5 years dying of cancer and i was a horrible spoilt brat i wagged most of grade 4 which didnt help much and i fought with my younger brother all the time to a ponint that one day my mum overmedicated if you know what i mean, and when i found her she said we would be better off with our father, i saw all the pills and i promised i wouldnt fight with my brother anymore, when i went and checked again she had taken them and it was all my fault i remember one visit where she was in a locked psych unit i clearly remember severely disabled people being fed and thinking she doesnt belong here. I ended up many years later working as a dissability support worker in community homes but came to realise i wasnt thorough enough or thoughtfull enough to give the correct care i was too ocd about cleaning and routine then, not good with emotional needs but i did try to be fun and easygoing without being attached i was too introverted. now ime so introverted ime in danger of becoming a black hole, another one of my obsticles in life that has held me back so yes going to a party will have me besides myself with anxiety, not that i get invites for a long time now. My mum made me promise before she died that i would look after my young brother and our family dog at the time, I didnt my family moved interstate a couple of years later and when i was old enough i ran back to my home state which began my many years of running missing years with my family and blaming them and dragging them down, now all these years on i regret thinking my life was like a sad movie and I the main victim my family really did the best they could and i just didnt see it. This is also a regular daily reminder going around my head. See an hour ago I was in total anxious panick attack mode but having written about my feelings and distracting my brain i feel like I can be ok for a few hours at least until my brain throws another memory or thought at me to stress on, already slight echos of guilt about what i ate yesterday and this morning and guilt that my family are all in different states this xmas and yes i loved the forum on xmas I would rather cellebrate thanksgiving not department stores in the guise of xmas. Damn another bad memory came but am stronger again so thanks for letting me express. Sorry too if i offend anyone with how i word things in advance and i hope ime doing this response in correct place as not so good with technology cheers

You don't sound like a loser to me at all @axle. You sound like a fighter. Strong. Keeps going. Doesn't give up.

Our negative self talk can be so damaging for us. Most of what it says is complete lies. I've named my self talk "Trump" - so now I say "f off Trump" & most of the time that works for me.

Have you talked to your treating team about dbt therapy? It might be a good help to you.

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share part of your story here. Thank you.