TranquilityCasual Contributor
New here and struggling
Hello everyone,
I am new here and this is my first post. I have been struggling a lot particularly for the last couple of months. I have always had some struggles with what could be described as anxiety and depression (never been officially diagnosed), but the last couple of months have been brutal.
I have been just coasting through everyday. I am not particularly interested in anything including things that I used to love. I am just kind of waking up, existing, and going to bed. I can sleep for 4 hours or 10 hours and I wake up tired. This past Sunday I spent the entire day in bed until finally forcing myself out around 8:30pm. My school semester is quickly spiraling out of control as I am doing just enough to get by which also wasn't the case. My appetite varies radically. I will go a few days and barely feel like eating anything even when I do notice feeling hungry. Then the next week I eat all of the terirble food I can find (all the while thinking, eh what's the point).
Sometimes I feel terrible about certain things, and other times it seems to be about nothing in particular. I just walk around with the "what's the point" whenever I try to do anything. In the past I have had times where it was bad, although this episode has lingered longer than most others.
To give an example, I have recently moved into a new apartment about 6 months ago and my dog is not with me, he is living with my parents. During this whole ordeal I have become painfully obsessed with him getting older and eventually passing on. I honestly don't think I could live without him. I spend hours searching the Internet about how people deal with pet deaths. (Even though I have no real reason to suspect he is about to pass away). He is the only thing in my life that seems to brighten my day up anymore.
My roommate works odd hours so or schedules are frequently opposite. I cannot stand being in my apartment. No pets, no significant other, half the time no roommate, it is terribly depressing. My sister was recenty in town for a short visit. After I dropped her off at the airport I was relegated to the couch for the remainder of the weekend as I was terribly sad that she was gone.
I seem to overanalyze every single thing in my life past, present, and future. My mind seems to like to think worst case scenario about everything, even memories I can't completely recall. I have convinced myself that I have done something wrong or bad before, even though I was explicitly told no, you did not. My brain just runs through the infinite what if scenarios.
Alcohol seems to numb the pain initially although if I drink too much it goes the other way. Then the next day after drinking my feelings plummet even worse than normal. I punish myself for doing it and then a day or two later, I am back at it searching for the momentary timeframe where I feel like a normal person again.
All of this has just left me feeling completely hopeless. Like I will never get out of the funk or be happy again. Every now and then I seem to briefly snap out of it momentarily and recognize how ridiculous this all is and how I can't believe I let myself obsess like that. Then 10 minutes later it is back to square one. Half the time I think I am just anxious about being anxious again which as you can imagine, makes me go through everything.
I have only seen a doctor and a psychologist one time in the past about it. I was given some medicine. Don't really remember if it worked. That was a few years ago. Never been back as I usually think that they will try to minimize my feelings or potentially just not believe me.
The most guilty thoughts I have are about death. (Not planning on killing myself). But the thought that one day we all pass on is the only real comforting thought. That it has to end at some point.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post if you made it this far. I hope everyone is doing well.
