Experiences please

Hi @Beatrix73 Welcome and thanks for sharing your story!

I am sorry to hear about how hard it's been trying to manage your mums negative judgements towards you as a new parent, especially when you've been struggling with depression and anxiety without the usual medication for support. Famiy boundaries are so important when you're trying to tune in with your new baby - everyone has an opinion, don't they!? On top of that, you have three other teens at home to wrangle. You have a lot on your plate right now! I am glad you found the Forums to reach out for further support. Look forward to hearing more of your story. Take care, Mosaic.

I told my mother and father I was having a nervous breakdown. My mother said be strong and my dad said how can we help you darling. Both are polish immigrants and survivors of WWII and a nation that was crushed in the war...they are survivors. I went on medication and the psychiatrist pointed out to me that my mother as the matriarch of the family is a practical person and isn't nurturing and that at her age she doesn't know or understand mental illness. Acceptance and peace in knowing they have been told was a key to it all for me. I am nothing like my mother who wears her heart on her sleeve and have a loving relationship with my daughter. When she makes comments such as "you look fat in that dress" instead of letting my blood boil I just calmly respond well I like this dress and think in my mind "whatever". BUT it did take me 20 years to realise this.

Yes it's easy to cut off negative people but I believe that blood is thicker than water and if push came to crunch and you called your mum for help she would come running...family is family. It's also a good life lesson for your children to actually see how there grandmother is and think lucky us that mums got a positive attitude. Don't underestimate the power of observation in children.

If your dad is more maybe talk to him first so he can explain it to your mum. Distance may be an option instead of cutting out, restrict phone calls and visits to what suits you and your needs. I guess you just have to do what works for you and your baby. I stopped breadt feeding at 3 months because of back issues...my daughter is now 16 and healthy as can be. Stopping breast feeding to go back on medication may be another thing to consider.

Wishing you you all the best.

I have a different experience to @Wisewomen

I had difficulty with my mother at the time I was breast feeding. I was committed to feeding and my mother made comments such as "I was not a cow". I continued with the feeding over medication and dont regret it as I think it helped my daughter grow stronger within herself.

My husband would ask my mother to stay for dinner if she visited, which she usually did, but she would make quiet little digs at me .. about the food or the table setting, or kids table manners.

Unfortunately I let my mother in. She is also quite a performer and very careful to indulge children in many ways. We were also grieving. I felt it important to allow grandmother relations as we did not have much other family and I wanted to be proud of my family. That we werent 2nd class citizens. Did I do the wrong thing. Maybe it could have worked out. I couldnt cut anybody out, but I found out that my mother really was not trustworthy and determined in the long haul to punish and undermine me. She "loved" me in her way, but it was very partial and not related to my existence or well-being.

I was very impressionable about our family's WWII stories. I now think they made more mileage of it than was honest given the circumstances my sibs and I endured.

It is true earlier generations have different contexts and often struggled with less equipment than mums of today. I wonder if that is the main cause of discord between so many mothers and their adult daughters

It seemed my mother was jealous of the "ease" she thought I was getting. She didnt take into account that I encouraged my husband and physically worked on our renovations, kept books, and never criticised his or her offerings. Whereas my mother was convinced she was a true lady and put down my father and me, and most other people, as not good enough, even when we gave everything to her and worked to a degree that ruined our health. Her style of self esteem cost my family a lot.

Not sure what to @Beatrix73 maybe you need a little separation with small meetings, so that you can be clearer what your real situation is.

Take care and be kind to yourself.