sukuleleCasual Contributor
Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless
My very loving and amazing partner of 3 years has turned in somebody I do not recognise. Something is clearly wrong with her.
Last year, her personality (temper, life goals, feelings towards me, her own emotions) changed completely. It was a gradual switch and I did not understand its importance then - at first she'd get angry about tiny things, but I thought she was just stressed from work. Then, she started picking arguments out of seemingly nowhere, and I was dumbstruck. Those arguments started to escalate because she'd get more and more worked up, no matter what I said/did. After the arguments, she'd still be mad for a while (sometimes hours, sometimes days), but finally go back to being her old self - for a period of time. Then she'd get angry again and the cycle repeated, over and over again. She told me she couldn't let go of anything because we never resolved anything, we just argued about the same things every time eventually.
She'd go into a rage. Destroying our home, hitting doors behind which I was hiding, telling me she'd hurt me or herself and that everything was my fault, always, that I deserved her anger. She broke up with me two times in a rage and afterwards told people I was a terrible person for leaving her.
It was only when breaking up with me became a pattern that I realised that it wasn't actually my fault. That I was in no way doing the things she thought I was doing, that I wasn't to blame for her anger, that I didn't cause her life to fall apart and that there was something seriously wrong with her and we were both spiralling down fast.
At first, I suspected depression. It became clear over time though that yes, she might be suffering from depression, but she also - by now - perfectly fits the criteria for BPD, and I am still in a phase of shock because I didn't see it before, how very plainly ALL her actions can be attributed to it.
The problem is: by now, she doesn't believe a word I say. She tells people I'm manipulative, a liar, worthless - good old projection right there. She sees in me what she perceives to be true about herself.
I made her see a therapist after the 3rd time when she broke up with me and threw me out of our home - but the therapist has cleary been told what's my partner's view on reality. She says, since my partner evidently told her what a piece of shit I am, that I am very manipulative, probably suffer from BPD myself and need to leave my now ex-partner alone.
But I am leaving her alone. She threw me out and cancelled our flat, so I'm currently living with my mother again because I've also lost my job due to what has been going on. I can't process this. I cry all day. I hate her so much for ruining both our lives and futures like this and I never want to hear from her again - but on the other hand, I love her, so very much, I wanted to spend my whole life with her. I made a commitment to always be there for her, no matter what. I can't just turn away and let her ruin herself further. She needs professional help, treatment, anything really. She has been telling me she wants to die herself for a month now.
But her therapist is apparently content to blame it on me. She doesn't know about the suicide threats, the constant emotional manipulation and boundary crossing, that nothing happened as my partner describes it. Shouldn't she notice that things do not add up? Shouldn't she realise, since she has studied psychology and psychoanalysis, that something is not right?
Nobody she knows believes me. Her friends laugh about my concern, she is a totally different person with them. Her parents too. And now her therapist too. I would have believed that I am indeed a terrible person and make her angry all the time if there hadn't been one good friend of mine who keeps me in touch with reality. He has witnessed a few of her outbursts and has told me several times to call the police or an ambulance because he feared she'd hurt herself or me. He is the only one that I can talk to who believes me and also thinks there is something wrong with her.
I don't know what to do anymore. It gets worse every day. She broke up with me, threw me on the street after I refused to get in a car with her while she was in a rage, and yet she texts and calls every day. She tells me things about her day, in a neutral way, obviously tries to establish some sort of communication so she doesn't feel alone. In the evenings, her tone takes a turn for the worse and she says she wants to die, to hurt herself, that she doesn't have any hope - and that quickly escalates into "you are a piece of shit I hate you- you made this happen you caused me this pain so eff off like you always do and leave me alone I never want to hear from you this is the end goodbye"In the mornings, she then continues the neutral conversation as if nothing ever happened.
I am at a total loss. How do I handle this?
Have you tried reaching out to the SANE Help Centre or a Mental Health Professional yourself, as suggested by 
