Every day is a struggle

@Scarecrowe Hi and welcome, I hope you can ease some of your concerns here. I was one that responded to the Xmas post. Do you have family that are close? Being that you never married and no children etc, I too work in retail and put on the confident face. It’s hard work. I always say that when I perform at work I feel I’m working like a gear that won’t turn properly, if that makes any sense. Have you been able to determine what you think sets off your attacks? I’m glad you opened up here and shared your feelings, it’s hard to do and I was reluctant at first, it’s a big deal writing down personal stuff about ourselves. I’ve been on anti depressants for 20 years, high dose A’s was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. A little over a year ago I decided they only masked and band aid fixed my disorder so decided to wean myself off them. Everyone is different but I felt they gave me other problems, side effects such as muscle pain and poor concentration. I’m downhill again and pondering the thought of going back on them but because it took me a year to get off them and was hard slog to do I don’t really want too. You are definitely not complaining. Your feelings are real and we all think like that, not wanting to be a burden, others have it worse off etc but I found throwing it under the rug can only last so long until you crumble. Sooner or later we need to vent. But over experience I’ve learnt only like minded people will truly understand to struggle. I hope you can rely on me and vise verses as an outlet.

@Scarecrowe I came across these forums through an ad on tv too.

I’m the one that started the Xmas thread, and it does feel good to know that I’m not the only one who feels the way I do.

I’ve wondered for a long time if I’m the only person who feels “crazy” (for a better word), I know I view the world entirely different from everyone I know - I can thank my crap childhood for that.

It’s nice to read through other threads and know I’m not alone in this world, that there are other people who know exactly how I feel. I hope you can connect with a few on the forums and not feel so alone too.

I haven’t been here very long myself, but welcome to the forums and keep reaching out, there are a lot of people here that will respond. ❤️❤️

@Jumpingcactus Hi to you and thank you for your welcome. So very kind.

In answers to your questions I don't have any close family. My sister and I do get on to a certain point but we are so opposite to each other it is not funny. We have nothing in common, music, movies, types of men we are attracted too etc. If it wasn't for her three children we would be really stuck with common interests. My mum and I clash bigtime all the time. She does not understand me. My father did but he committed suicide in 1994, 11 days after my 24th birthday.

I am not really sure what starts my attacks but I think having to be in public is the main thing and putting on the brave face which is so tiring as you mentioned and know so well.

I had heaps of side effects when I was on anti depressants too, and as they did not make me feel any different, and then as you mentioned weaning off them was such a massive struggle I thought being depressed was easier to deal with. Strange but true and I concur, a band aid fix.

My eldest neice who is now 15 has been struggling with anorexia since late 2016. It was due to post traumatic stress after seeing her mother being physically and mentally abused by her father for over a decade. We nearly lost her a couple of times, but a few months ago she decided that she did not want this disease to keep controlling her and started eating. Mind you whenever she eats she still has the voices telling her, you should not have eaten that, you will get fat etc etc. Seeing her deal with that made me think my feelings and problems are not important or real etc.

And you see ads on tv saying talking helps. But I think how can talking help. It won't stop how I feel about things, waste of time. So that is another reason why I have kept things to myself.

But as you know you are dealing with them every day. And dealing with something everyday is a real thing. I often think of the late John Denver's song when he says "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Some times a hard time won't leave me alone." So very, very true John.

But now I have started to talk about my feelings (even though it is under a screen name) and people out there, like yourself, won't judge me but understand where I am coming from as you mentioned.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself about going back on anti depressants. That is a huge decision to make. I am sad to hear you are going down hill again. It is such a roller coaster ride isn't it. Up and then down and then up again. Drives one mental at times. There is so much more to it than just popping a pill, sadly.

And definately yes you can rely on me like I can rely on you. Thank you again, it means so much to a newbie like myself. All of a sudden I don't feel quite alone as I did.

@Razzle Thank you for another lovely welcome. So very kind.

I am sorry to hear you had a crap childhood. Children should never have a crap time. My eldest neice who is 15 is dealing with anorexia due to post traumatic stress seeing her mother physically and mentally abused by her father for over a decade. So very sad and should never happen to any child out there.

I am starting to not feel so alone all ready which is comforting. When people have no idea what you are going through and think you are strange, crazy or just simply complaining, it is nice to know that people out there know exactly what is going on inside your head.

Thank you for reaching out, appreciate it bigtime.

@Scarecrowe I believe those whom are using this forum are strong in that we are reaching out. I’ve always been ashamed of my condition. Then self doubt sets in and can’t help but put myself down first so no one else can. I am so so sorry to hear of your father. I relate to your niece, I suffered anorexia in my teens through early 20’s. never knew back then why I didn’t eat until my 30s through a therapist. I truly hope she can overcome it. I will have to listen to that song you mentioned. When I go out, (shopping etc) I get into a panic and I think it’s because I know I’m struggling and because I try so hard to act normal like there is no problem it just makes me worse, to the point where when I pull up in my drive way the relief is amazing! Phew I say, glad that ordeal is over. My mum and I clashed in my younger years, we are ok now because I told her perhaps all my issues stemed from undiagnosed depression. Don’t ever feel that your feelings are not worth talking about. Don’t ever feel you will be judged here. You have opened arms and support. It can’t take it away, but it can allow you a little relief your speaking with people who do care. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here.

@Jumpingcactus Wow your words on being out in public and the relief you feel when you get home is like reading a day in my life. I don't drive, so when I am walking home I am constantly saying, can't wait to get home, I'll be home soon, not long to go now before I am home etc. And when I put that key in the door and step inside it is the biggest relief off my shoulders. Then I take a deep breath and start to feel normal again. Then I put the kettle on and have a well deserved cuppa!!!!!

I am sorry you suffered with anorexia. Terrible, terrible disease and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I just kept thinking to myself, just eat something it is not that hard, it is not rocket science!!! But it is that hard and I am hoping that my beloved neice is on the way to recovery and won't go down hill again. She just graduated from a modelling course and she looked so beautiful. She had to talk a bit about herself and she spoke of her illness and she got very choked up and well I had water works too. It was beautiful and inspiring. I am very proud of her.

Yes please do listen to John Denver's Some Days are Diamonds. Great song and singer. Another we lost way too soon. Let me know what you think when you listen to it.

Thank you for your support and kind words. I do feel a bit better all ready. And no I am not alone!!!!!