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Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

WhatToDoNew Contributor19 Oct 2018, 2:21 pm AEDT

Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting. A few months ago our life was rocked when my husband found himself unable to function, crying, obsessive, controlling and moods all over the place. He had withdrawn from friends long before and seemed to be pushing me away for a while. It took a few weeks of getting worse before we went to the GP and started medications. He realised he's been pushing everyone away but instead turned and worried that I would leave so instead began tracking me and non stop texting or calling until with the help of a mental health worker we set boundaries and confirmed that I wasn't going anywhere. Unfortunately the GP is on holidays so we can't have the followup appt and things are spiralling.

This week I can do no right and I don't know how to be a better support. He's starting to see friends again but that leads to some drinking and that brings out emotions (anger, crying), nasty words, aggression (not physical just tone, body language, kicking things). He then wants to talk but I'm finding it increasingly hard to talk and be supportive when I've just heard how awful I am, unsupportive, don't understand, telling him to be normal (I never do that) etc.

I need him to get back to the GP but she's away for another 3 wks and I need him to speak to someone other than me but he refuses.

Please if anyone has any links I can go to for support so I know how to better support him and also any links that I can suggest for him to access. Also can anyone else confirm that they experience extreme guilt that it is their fault or guilt for not being able to help and then guilt for thinking maybe things wont get better. I will stay because I love him but our kids didn't sign up for this so how much longer can I hide it from them before it starts to effect them and what do I do when that happens.

Thanks in advance for reading and any support.

2 replies

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In response to: Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

Unknown userMember19 Oct 2018, 5:43 pm AEDT

Re: Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

Hi @WhatToDo,
Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to hear about your family's current difficulties. It sounds like you are in the tough position of trying to support someone who doesn't treat you very well at the moment and also trying to protect your kids from their dad's moods.

I am glad that you have found your way to the forums and I hope you'll relate to some of the stories that other members share of supporting loved ones who have a mental illness. I'm not sure if you've had a look at the SANE website? There are some great resources that may help both you and your husband. In particular you might be interested in this page here about the impact of mental illness on the families of people affected or this one here. You might also like to locate the mental health carers organisation in your state. The Mental Health Carers national helpline on 1300 554 660 or you can find a list of state-based services here.

As you've had contact with mental health services you may already be aware that there are 24 hr mobile teams that can support people in a mental health crisis. If you are concerned that your husband's condition is seriously deteriorating or that he is a danger to himself or others then you could contact them. This might be particularly useful if your gp is unavailable. To find a number for your state see here.

I have a couple of other ideas about services that may interest you . Feel free to disregard if they don't seem relevant at the moment.

MensLine
MensLine is not specifically a mental health helpline but they offer counselling, advice, referrals and support to men with a range of issues including family and relationship concerns. Women are also welcome to call the service if they are concerned about a partner or family member.

Call 1300 78 99 78

Visit MensLine

You've mentioned that your husband is sometimes very angry and aggressive which could be a bit scarey for you and the kids. I wonder if you might find it useful to talk through some of your experiences with a counsellor from the service below? They are available 24/7 to support people who don't feel safe in their relationships.

1800 RESPECT
https://www.1800respect.org.au

1800 737 732

I hope that something here will be useful and I wish you and your family all the best. I hope that you have people around you who understand something of what you are going through and really encourage you to keep reaching out for the support that you need.

Finally if you would like to discuss any of this or seek other referals you might contact the SANE Australia Help Centre on 1800 18 SANE (7263), Monday to Friday, 10am to 10pm EST. You could also offer this number to your husband as the service is available for people with lived experience and for friends and family members.

In response to: Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

Unknown userMember20 Oct 2018, 10:14 am AEDT

Re: Husband with Depression - How do I better Support Him?

Hello @WhatToDo

It is awful when mental illness strikes and we encounter many feelings that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Yes we do feel guilt and helplessness along with many other emotions. As for being told or feeling we are not doing a thing right ... I don't think there is a carer on this forum who would not have experienced that.

The early days are tough, diagnosis can take a while too and there are specific symptoms that are pertinent for the docs to know, which our loved ones are often unable to articulate, particularly if there has been mania or hypomania which (which can be caused by some psych drugs - something to watch for). This is where the mood is up and can result in grandiose thoughts, excessive spending, reckless behaviour (such as risk taking, speeding). Patients think of these periods as 'good times' and not symptoms.

There are a few of us who care for our significant others. Knowing we are not alone and getting coping tips from others = 😁.

These screenshots are from a guide I was given which may help you understand some MH symptoms.

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